Woman gives birth; husband immediately demands 'maternity' test; 'Are you dumb or having a mental break?!' AITA? UPDATED
When this woman is horrified by her husband's demands, she asks the internet:
"My husband wants a maternity test. AITA?"
This is not a troll post. I really wish that this was a troll post. I know that you’re sitting there thinking that nobody can be this dumb, but I assure you, this man is.
I gave birth to our daughter two weeks ago. I have red hair and blue eyes and my husband has blonde hair and blue eyes. Our daughter has grayish-brown eyes and a tuft of dark brown hair, and is a bit darker than my husband or I.
Both of my parents have very dark brown hair and brown eyes, as does the rest of my family (my mom’s parents are from Sicily and my dad immigrated from Greece, so on the darker side of white people) but I got the genetic mutation for red hair. This is only relevant because my husband apparently does not understand genetics.
Now, to make this perfectly clear, I did not cheat on my husband. He is convinced that it is not his baby because of how much darker her complexion is.
To ease his mind, I said I wouldn’t be offended if he wanted a paternity test (I’ve got nothing to hide), but then he started insisting that I should have to get a maternity test as well.
Yeah. In his words, he doesn’t even trust me enough to trust that I’m the mother. I’m very confused. I’ve tried to explain to him several times that he was there throughout all 38 weeks of my pregnancy.
He watched me go from no bump to being very obviously pregnant. I asked him if he though that I had gotten someone else’s egg put into me and he just shrugged.
I’m at a loss. I’ve been trying to explain genetics and why I don’t need a maternity test to prove that it’s my child for two weeks now. I just legitimately do not know how to get through to him. Even his mom tried to explain it.
He’s usually very smart. He’s a software engineer. He has a masters degree and is planning on going back to school for his PhD. I swear that he usually isn’t this dumb. I just do not know what to do.
Please help me, I am at a loss. I seriously don’t know what to do. Can I even get a maternity test done? Do they do those?
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
dubjayhan writes:
Can’t believe I haven’t seen this comment yet: the baby’s eye color, skin color, and hair color may not be at all what they ACTUALLY are/will be for life. Hair color and texture also changes throughout childhood into adulthood.
A lot of times, those things aren’t their true color for 6months to a year. This is an easy google search. My two younger sons are half Korean and even their eye shape has changed completely since birth.
My older son was born brunette with blue eyes- he’s blonde with hazel. My middle and youngest sons were born with dark brown hair that has a blonde look to it in the light. Middle son has chocolate hair now. (Youngest is only 7 weeks.) Middle son looked white at birth, now his skin is olive.
karen65 writes:
Most babies are born with an ambiguous eye color, most a dark grayish color. The true eye color doesn’t show itself for many months. Dark hair and eye color are dominant traits so it makes sense that given your heritage, the baby would be more likely to have darker hair and brown eyes.
However, a large number of babies are born with dark hair that falls out and is replaced by lighter hair. Genetics is a very fickle fiend. I am AB+ as is my husband. When you daughter was a newborn, the pediatrician came into my room, shut the door and stated that there seemed to be a problem in that the baby had O- blood.
I am sure she thought there was shenanigans going on on my part. But I laughed and told her that both grandmothers were O-. Two recessive genes can make a child with that trait. It is why you have red hair and blue eyes.
Hopefully, your husband has met your family. Your husband is a stunning example of a person who is very smart in one area but completely clueless in biology. Make an appointment with a genetics counselor.
I wouldn’t do the DNA test as those can be totally misleading, unless the counselor recommends it and will go through the results with you two. But mostly, I would give the baby time to grow. By 6 months, relatives on both sides will be saying how much she looks like mommy or daddy at that age.
crane writes:
Genetics are SUPER weird. My youngest son looks exactly like my husband’s brother, he has since the day he was born, and 5 years later still looks exactly like.
So much so that BiL’s own son (6) doesn’t look as much like him as my son, and everyone jokes that we swapped babies (obviously a joke since his is a 18 months older than mine lol).
And the weirdest part is that my youngest also looks like a clone of his older brother, who looks nothing like my husband’s brother, and never has. How can one child resemble them both?
It makes no sense, but you slap their baby pics side by side and you’re like damn that’s the same kid, then you stick my little one with my brother in law and you’re like wow is that his clone?
lurker76 writes:
Just a personal story here. There is a family in my hometown, grew up with all 4 kids. The family are all tall, lean and dark haired except the youngest which is blonde and personality wise different from the rest.
My brother dates her for a couple of years and during that time she gets ill and while in the hospital discovers that she is not related to her family. She was truly switched at birth. They tracked it all down at the birth hospital. So there it is. It does happen. I am not saying you have such a case just my personal experience.
lightooo writes:
You did say that you wouldn't be offended in doing so, with hopes in easing his mind... Yet this post seems solely about the fact that you are offended in his request for you to follow through with your offer.
It shouldn't be seen as offensive. Women are lucky enough to know their babies are THEIRS, undoubtedly. Men aren't given such a natural sense of honesty when it comes to paternal investments.
I can't blame him. I feel, for how often men get bamboozled on this topic, paternity tests should be allowed (without taboo) an optional request at birth before signing the birth certificate. Once the birth certificate is signed, I believe, recourse for financial and welfare obligation is very complicated (at least in US).
nobob7 writes:
While it seems like your husband is a complete idiot I’m wondering if it’s not so much that he isn’t capable of understanding why you are definitely the biological mother but maybe his brain is set on that being a possibility to ease his mind about what’s really bothering him.
He said that he doesn’t trust YOU enough to trust that you’re the mom (which obviously you are), so maybe look into why he doesn’t trust you rather than convincing him that he’s wrong. It could be any number of subconscious issues that he can’t face like past cheating (including in past relationships), fear of being a dad, etc.
It just sounds like this is abnormally irrational behavior for him and not someone who is actually that stupid.
And now, OP's update:
Long story short, my husband isn’t stupid, he was just having a mental breakdown. I guess the stress of being a new father just kind of got to him. He didn’t think (or want to acknowledge) that the baby was ours.
He had his first therapy session for this yesterday, and hopefully that will help. Having a baby is obviously a really big change. Our sleep schedules are both messed up. Postpartum depression in men is a bigger issue than many people realize.
I’m doing my best to provide him with a good support system while taking care of a newborn. I think he’ll be okay in due time.
But for everyone wondering, to sum it up, he is not dumb and he is not cheating on me, he’s just going through a hard time right now.