Woman gives partner 'major attitude' when he 'fails to parent' their newborn. AITA?
When this woman is annoyed with her partner as they deal with their newborn, she asks the internet:
"AITA 30f for giving my partner 33m attitude for not getting up with our baby after being asked multiple different days?"
Im 30f and have a baby with my partner who is 33m. When we met he already had an established life for the most part. He has a house, hobbies and cars. When I moved in my contribution to bills was to buy all of our groceries, pay the internet and buy things the house may need.
(He probably makes 200k more than I was at the time.) so this was what felt fair with my salary. I found out I was pregnant, we decided to have the baby. One day he told me I could stay home for a couple of years while our baby is little and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything bill wise.
Fast forward to our baby now being nearly a year old, I’m the one who solely cares for the baby as he says “we have our set roles.” Never once did we sit down and talk about how I’d only be caring for the child.
To also add I still work part time because he doesn’t pay for my bills, I pay for mymy car, my phone, my car insurance and our internet. I bring our baby to work with me everytime I go. He works from home 90% of the time.
The last three days in an row I’ve asked him if he can get up with our baby because I am exhausted from doing it all the time and waking up with our baby multiple times a night every night.
So we are laying in bed and our son is wining, crying and kicking because he wants to get up. He doesn’t get up, I do yet again. About an hour an half passes and he’s still just in bed. At this point I can tell my son is ready for a nap so I go back into the room to feed him and put him down.
He asked if I wanted him to feed him to which I just said “no.” With slight attitude. To he responds “what’s your issue.” I tell him that he asked him to get up with him so I can sleep a bit more and his response is “I was up with him, and besides we both have our set roles.”
And proceeds to say like “ I never give you attitude like this, we’re already off to a bad day and it’s only the morning.” Am I in the wrong for feeling upset over the set up? It seems really disrespectful to me and I just feel walked all over. TIA!
Let's see what readers had to say:
nemesis45 writes:
ESH. You admit you’ve literally never discussed how things would be broken down. It sounds like he just assumed your roles would be more traditional, and you just assumed your roles would be more modern.
You should have talked about it and reached a compromise before conceiving a child. You should have done it while you were pregnant. You darn sure should have done it before your child reached a year old. But you’ve each decided to ignore the problem and get more and more frustrated with a partner who is not meeting expectations that were never voiced.
I also have thoughts about the types of red flags that go up when people insist on traditional gender roles, but that’s almost a separate problem. Communicating… at all… in any way…should be your #1 priority.
eeeek writes:
"Never once did we sit down and talk about how I’d only be caring for the child. To also add I still work part time because he doesn’t pay for my bills, I pay for mymy car, my phone, my car insurance and our internet." - there is your problem.
I told my wife she can stay home when we had our first kid and at first she was going to see how it goes .. Well two weeks after baby arrived she definitely wanted to stay home.. I had no issue and told her specifically, that I will take care of all the bills and house and everything..
I just expect the baby to be taken care of and to get whatever is needed done, done during the day.. She is a motherly-type person and so she put her career on hold and we have now been doing this for 4 years and have a 3rd due very soon lol.
I will note, I do help with the bab(ies) and kids when I am not working. I wake up during the nights at least 25-40% of the time to assist with changing/prepping a bottle and especially if my wife clearly needs the rest.
I help out around the house every day and clean up the chaos from the days events, inside and out. I do the yard, house maintenance chores, errands, etc. My wife handles dinners/laundry and kids 90% of the time and that is what she enjoys and likes to do so there is no issues..
She is not the best with cleaning and all of that and its just who she is so I just do it because I like order and minimal chaos (enough in the brain LOL).
I think you two just missed the mark on defining what responsibilities were going to be when you changed your arrangement.
He should definitely help more, but with our first, my wife was predominantly the one waking up because of pumping anyways.. and she would just nap during the day with the baby if she needed one.
When the second came around, I increased my baby contribution tenfold because now there is no guaranteed nap in the day with a toddler and baby, or at least at perfect timing.
I just wanted to give you an idea of how it went for me and my wife.. We clearly established what each others responsibilities were when the baby came and we have stuck to it.. The fact your partner works from home most of the time is the kicker for me..
No excuse not to help from time to time.. or want to help at least.. I never not wanted to help so idk maybe he just never wanted kids or wasn't fully aware of what happens and what changes in life when you create new life. NTA.
grajj writes:
YTA. Your car and your phone are small expenses compared to food, mortgage, and child expenses. Your partner is footing most of the bill as he should.
The issue is that you can’t hold up your end of the bargain. If he gives you that help you will ask for more help to the point where he’s working, paying the bills and doing most of the childcare while you’re on social media and Reddit complaining.
Gratitude doesn’t just spout from nowhere. If you’re complaining now you’ll complain when you get help.
dearmon writes:
NTA, “set roles”my ass men love to use that excuse to do absolutely nothing but go to work. Must be nice asf. I’m sorry but adulthood and LIFE is more than going to work from 8-5.
If you’re still working part time idgaf how much you’re making, could care less, he needs to get tf up and pull the other half of the baby weight he AGREED to having. Insane.