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Woman has 'glow up' after divorce, 'My children blame me for breaking up our family.' AITA? UPDATED

Woman has 'glow up' after divorce, 'My children blame me for breaking up our family.' AITA? UPDATED

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When this woman feels responsible for her divorce, she asks the internet:

'AITAH for glowing up after my divorce and not before?'

I (53F) have been divorced from my ex-husband "Larry" (54M) for 6 years. Larry and I have two adult children, "Steve" (27M) and "Carla" (25F).

Larry and I met in college when we were both electrical engineering students. We were both very much on the nerdy side and looked the part, but were very attracted to each other (so I thought anyway). We got married soon after we graduated and both worked as engineers, but after a few years Larry decided he wanted to go to law school (to become a patent lawyer).

In order to look the lawyer part, Larry underwent a major glow-up during this time on pretty much all levels (tailored clothes, fancy haircuts, designer accessories like watches, etc., along with working out to trade his "dad bod" for a lean gym bod).

During this time, I was having/raising our small children, while taking care of about 95% of household matters because of his long working hours, all while working full time.

I admit I did not "glow up" along with Larry. My own appearance has always been on the plainer side - I'm not overweight but a bit stocky (5'5"/140 lbs), simply cut hair, glasses, practical clothes, not much makeup.

Larry loved me as-is for about the first decade of our relationship, but after he started working as a lawyer, he started to become drawn to more conventionally attractive women and had several affairs.

When I pressed for counseling, he said that the issues were things like my big nose and post-baby tummy pooch (not things I could fix with a simple makeover). I was getting organized to ask for a divorce when Carla was hit by a car while riding her bike.

She survived and is fine now, but needed several years of intensive surgeries and rehab. In order to provide a unified front for Carla (and Steve), Larry and I agreed to stay married and be as cordial as possible (he continued to see other women during this time, but by this time I was past trying to get him to be faithful).

We did separate (and divorce) after Carla went off to college. Larry is remarried now to a much younger woman (33F).

In the past couple years, I have actually decided to focus more on myself - including my appearance. Now that my children are grown and out of the house, and I don't have to worry about tiptoeing around a difficult husband, I finally have time and resources to do so.

I didn't get a nose job or other plastic surgery like Larry had wanted, but I did update and color my hair, started working out more (lost about 15 pounds), got a new wardrobe, and actually started dating (I don't have a steady partner yet, but regularly go to age-appropriate singles events and go on dates).

Unfortunately, my children detest the "new me." In particular, they blame me for the divorce and are angry that I didn't "glow up" to accommodate Larry, saying I was too selfish and lazy to do so "when it mattered." My son Steve is getting married soon, and says he is too angry to invite me to the wedding.

Carla has gone low-contact with me. I had great relationships with both of them until I started my own glow-up process a couple years ago, which was a few years after Larry and I finalized our divorce.

Steve and Carla have told me that the only way to fix this - the only thing that would be fair - is to go back to the way I was before - meaning stop coloring my hair, dress in my former plain/frumpy way, and stop dating. They say they are most upset about the dating and that it's not fair for me to be looking for a new partner.

So, AITAH for everything I have done here - for not improving my appearance until after I got divorced? I really don't think Larry would have been faithful to me no matter how much I twisted myself in knots.

I felt I did the best I could given the energy and resources I had, and, while it may seem selfish, I do believe I deserve to have my own life now? But I am open to other opinions if I have done something wrong here.

Additional Information from OOP to clarify some things

OOP: I appreciate your perspective, but I think there may be some unfair conclusions here. First, where did I ever say I had no sex drive? Our sex life was fantastic for the first decade of our relationship (including after having two kids). It only diminished after he decided he had other attraction preferences as he started to rise in the lawyer ranks at his firm. Next, where did I ever say I didn't maintain my appearance? I did, in fact, maintain the appearance I'd had since college. I said we were both on the nerdy side.

I maintained a healthy weight (even after kids) and always looked tidy and appropriate for the occasion (in my case, the occasion just happened to be my engineering job and my family/household responsibilities). I just didn't have high-end haircuts and designer clothes, etc.

Was I a bit "frumpy"? Probably, as compared to a big-firm lawyer with a $500 haircut and regular spa treatments. But I didn't "let myself go" by changing my appearance for the worse after marriage.

Also, I don't think it's fair to say that I didn't "improve myself" in any capacity during our marriage. I advanced significantly in my career while keeping a warm and loving home, cooking healthy meals, and otherwise raising our kids. Those were my priorities, especially after Carla's accident.

I don't think I "got what I had coming" just for not wanting painful and time-consuming plastic surgery. Especially as one of the big things he wanted me to do was get a nose job when I was already perfectly happy with my nose. If he'd suggested some smaller changes -

like updating my hairstyle and wardrobe or even a gym membership - and had broached the idea kindly and had given me time to do these things - I likely would have been more amenable. But as it was he set the bar so high (surgery) that it didn't seem like I could reasonably make him happy.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

OOP on prioritizing herself and her health in order to be there for her marriage and family

OOP: Thanks for this. I do want to say that it's not like I didn't take care of myself at all - I maintained a healthy weight, wore clean and tidy clothes, etc. I just wasn't extremely polished like the high-powered lawyers who were Larry's new colleagues because there wasn't time to prioritize that. I didn't let myself go by any means, I just stayed the same person that Larry married while he changed.

The kids have said that I didn't put in the work to make Larry happy (something he has complained loudly about to them) so I don't deserve to have a relationship now. I'm trying to understand their position but it seems very judgmental.

OOP responds to comments on if her children knew their father cheated on her

OOP: Yes, they know he cheated. He regularly paraded the other women in front of them "as Daddy's friends" and openly left me for the young woman he subsequently married. But he convinced them that he had "no choice" because I was a slob (I disagree with this assessment, I just had a plain and simple appearance) and he became out of my league in terms of looks and professional standing.

Yes, they know he was repeatedly unfaithful and that he ultimately left me for someone else (he did not try to hide this), but he has convinced them that I drove him away after he begged me to pay more attention to my appearance and I refused.

I mean, no, I wasn't going to go get painful and time-consuming plastic surgeries while I was working full-time, doing nearly all the childcare and household tasks, and then coordinating my daughter's medical care and rehab after her accident, especially as it's not like he offered to help and do more so that I'd have time to do more appearance-related stuff. I do appreciate you saying that I deserve to be happy and healthy now.

Yes, they know about the cheating and still blame me. They say (as he does) that he wouldn't have cheated if I'd paid more attention to my appearance.

OOP on why her children have a say in what she wears

OOP: They think that I'm basically rubbing it in my ex's face (and theirs) that I never cared about him because I couldn't be bothered to fix myself up until after we were divorced. I've explained that it just had to do with time and bandwidth that I have now that I'm single and the kids are grown but they aren't buying it.

And no, of course the ex doesn't go back. The kids just think I deserve to be alone and frumpy, I guess, because I wasn't a perfect wife in my marriage.

OOP on if her ex did anything for her during their marriage together

OOP: Heh, he really didn't do anything. I mean, he made good money so we had a nice house, but honestly it was a pretty cold and lonely place. I would have been much happier if he'd stayed an engineer working normal hours and we could have equally shared childcare/household responsibilities and had quality time together.

Update:

First, thanks so much for everyone who responded to my initial post. I started out trying to acknowledge everyone's responses but as they grew to the thousands I wasn't able to keep up - I'm so sorry. I did read everything and appreciate your time and thoughts, both for those who offered support and those who had more critical feedback.

As a small update, while I do agree that the behavior of my adult children Steve (27M) and Carla (25F) has been extremely judgmental and unkind, to say the least, I am not ready to write them off. I realized that since they started in with their criticisms a couple years ago when I started changing my appearance, I have been very defensive and dismissive.

Perhaps that is justified, but as I do want to make every effort to maintain a good relationship with my children, I decided that it would be best to listen with an open mind.

(This doesn't mean I'm going to go back to my old frumpy appearance to accommodate them, of course not, but just that I am open to hearing what is really bothering them so we can hopefully talk it out.)

When I contacted them both to request this, they agreed to have brunch with me this coming weekend, which is a good start. Perhaps the conversation won't change anything, but I'd always regret it if I didn't try, and listening is free.

Many of the commenters felt that some info must have been missing from my initial post. I thought I hit all the main points, but can fill in a bit more detail here. For about the first decade of my relationship with my ex-husband Larry, things were really wonderful - or at least I thought so.

As I mentioned, we met in college as electrical engineering students who both had fairly plain and unfashionable appearances by conventional. Honestly, as a nerdy woman I have always been much, much more attracted to nerdy-looking men than super-polished ones, just a better match for me I guess. Larry seemed crazy about me from the get go and I was equally crazy about him.

We graduated, both got good engineering jobs, bought a house, and started our family. We had a very warm and loving home, lots of quality intimacy, and frequently hosted our equally nerdy friends for D&D and anime nights.

Then Larry decided he wanted to go to law school; nothing really changed for the first couple years, but the law school career counselors advised him to spruce up his appearance when it was time to start applying for attorney jobs. Hence his own glow-up began.

Even after that, for his first couple years as a law firm associate, he jokingly referred to his new look as his "silly lawyer costume" and looked forward to coming him to change into his anime T-shirts.

I didn't try to match his new appearance because (a) he never asked me to; and (b) initially it seemed like it was just some sort of uniform for him that he was somewhat uncomfortable with.

However, this all changed abruptly one night when I was supposed to accompany him to an awards dinner for his firm. Knowing that it was a fancy thing, and that I wasn't the best with fashion, etc., I actually went and got my hair and makeup professionally done and worked with a personal shopper to select what I thought was a flattering dress and shoes appropriate for the occasion.

However, when Larry saw me in this getup he suddenly got angry, made "lipstick on a pig" type comments, and threw out the insults about my nose and post-baby tummy pooch. I learned shortly afterwards that he'd started an affair with a colleague (who happened to have a small, pert nose and flat stomach).

Even after he was so mean, I was still hopeful that we could get counseling and work through this, but he didn't want to. I will admit I was paralyzed for a while and also didn't want to make any rash moves due to the impact on the kids, and perhaps I could have made better decisions there.

But by the time I was actually ready, emotionally and logistically, to proceed with a divorce, Carla had her accident and I had to shift gears to prioritizing her recovery.

On another note - contrary to what some commenters assumed, my post-divorce glow-up had nothing to do with wanting to meet new men.

Initially, it was precipitated by having a work-related opportunity to do more high-profile client-facing activities, and I received some gentle guidance from my supervisor that it would be a great time to update my appearance - hence the new hairstyle, wardrobe, makeup, manicures, etc.

In addition, once I hit 50 my A1C started creeping a bit higher - as diabetes runs in my family, although at 5'5" and 140 lbs I wasn't medically overweight, my doctor advised that losing just a few pounds, coupled with some dietary tweaks and changing up my exercise routine, would be a good idea.

So I added yoga, pilates and strength training to the hiking and cycling I already did, and ended up losing about 15 pounds over the course of a year. I'd always been physically active (despite some commenters accusing me of being lazy),

I just wasn't focused on scuplting my body to look a certain way as opposed to general fitness. Once I slimmed down and updated my look, I did find myself getting a lot more attention from men, so I figured since I'd been single for a few years I might as well lean into it and start dating - but again that wasn't the initial reason.

Some commenters asked if I'd spent "family money" on my makeover and if that might be what was making my children upset. The answer to that is no - Larry and I divided our assets in the divorce, he got the big house we had lived in and paid me for my share which allowed me to buy a much smaller house and have plenty left.

Although, as a law firm partner, he makes about 10x what I do, I did not request any alimony beyond my 50% of our assets, which had all been accumulated during the marriage.

Anyway, if folks are interested I can post an additional update next week once I can talk to my children and find out more about what their issue is.

Relevant Comments

What was OOP’s ex’s reactions to her glow up

OOP: Larry and I have been divorced for 6 years and he's been remarried for 5 years now. He hasn't said anything to me about it directly either way! As the children are adults we aren't in contact much and only occasionally see each other at group family events.

I've seen him a few times in passing. He is now married to an extremely conventionally attractive woman in her early 30s (over 20 years younger than we are).

He told me, when we were married, that he was no longer attracted to me because my nose is too big and because I had a post-baby tummy pooch and that, basically, he was going to keep seeing other women unless I had plastic surgery.

And no, my makeover did not include any plastic surgery so it's not like I eventually did the things he demanded. I do think I look great for my age (53) but I'm certainly not going to compete in the looks department with a woman 20 years younger.

OOP on her children’s thoughts about her

OOP: I'm pretty perplexed as well. They are adults with their own lives (they are both employed and have their own residences) and they both have significant others, so it's not like what I look like or whether or not I date affects their day to day lives. But it's possible I may be missing something.

I will ask them when I see them this weekend, at least if there is an opening to do so. He doesn't have kids with the new wife - I don't know what their plans are there, but they have been married for 5 years and haven't had kids yet.

I'm still planning to keep up my new appearance (which I need to do anyway for job and health reasons as stated in my post) regardless of what they say.

But I do really want to know why they are so upset about me improving myself. I updated my look because my job required it - much like Larry had to update his own look for professional reasons all those years ago.

I lost weight recently because my doctor suggested it to stave off diabetes - before, there wasn't a health-related reason to lose weight because I wasn't medically overweight and didn't have any health issues.

They likely don't know the full extent of the verbal abuse. Frankly, I didn't want to air dirty laundry and come between my children and their father (per the advice of any mental health expert advising people going through a divorce). But perhaps I can share a bit more now that they appear to be judging me without having all the info.

Sources: Reddit
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