My BIL is recently single after a 10 year relationship, and has dived enthusiastically back into dating. He's in his early 30's, has a great job, and is fit and healthy, but he's frustrated with how difficult dating is. He gets lots of matches on the apps, but very few dates.
He asked my partner (his brother) and I for feedback on his texts with a few girls. For context, I've been with my partner (we're both 28, M&F) for 6 years, but before we stared dating I was single for several years so I have some experience with dating. My BIL knows this, and that's part of why he wanted my opinion.
When I looked at his messages with two women, I thought it was clear what the issue was. In his very first message, he greeted the woman and suggested dinner. She agreed, and they picked a place and time.
Then, after the reservation was booked, he asked her to split the cost. No response. With the other woman, the same thing happened except that after he asked her to split the bill, she responded "wait...u invited me out but can't pay?"
I told him that bringing up splitting the bill was putting these women off. He got irritated at this, and said that he didn't want to go out with a woman who wouldn't pay half the bill. I think that's a very reasonable opinion, but reiterated that bringing up the money was hurting his odds of getting dates.
Here's my reasoning. For one thing, inviting a girl to dinner implies that he'll pay, so the girls may be taken aback when he asks them to pay part. For another, bringing up money before even exchanging get-to-know-you messages or finding out if there's chemistry seems tactless.
Finally, (I know this is old fashioned, but lots of women still think this way) getting ready for a date is expensive and time consuming, going on dates is physically more risky for women, and a bad date can hurt your social reputation, so a lot of women expect the man to invest financially to justify her taking on the labor and risk of a date with a stranger.
I'm not saying this is good or right, but I think this is why the women are ghosting him. I told him that if he didn't want to date the kind of girl who doesn't want to help pay, that's totally fine and his strategy is working perfectly.
But, if he wanted to get more dates, he should stop asking them to pay. He accused me of taking their side, and contributing to the male loneliness epidemic. AITA for telling him my honest opinion about why he's not getting dates?
Terrible_Delivery84 said:
NTA. I do have a suggestion. If your BIL is going to jump right into asking women on dates, he should invite them for coffee instead. It's less expensive, so splitting the bill will be less off-putting. And if the date isn't going well, he can politely excuse himself after one cup. If it goes well, then ask them for dinner.
Tdluxon said:
NTA. He asked for advice, you gave it to him…not your fault it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. Would he rather that you lie?
merishore25 said:
NTA. He may not like the answer, but it’s the truth nonetheless. He is better off meeting them for coffee or a cocktail first. You do not invite a date to a nice restaurant and then tell them to split the cost.
keungy said:
NTA. If he wants to go Dutch, he should state that in the invite upfront.
Objective-Ear3842 said:
NTA. He asked, you answered. But over all, I’d back off and let him flail on his own if this is how he responds to the gentlest and nonpersonal attack type feedback you could have given. Sounds like a real buzzkill of a dude in general so he’ll get back what he’s putting out there.
kaedemi011 said:
NTA. He asked, you answered. He shouldn’t ask questions if he’s not ready for the hard truth.