Woman is honest with her friend: 'it's your fault you haven't been on a date.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my (F24) friend it's her fault she (f23) hasn't been on a date?"
Around June of this year my friend confided in me and told me that she has never been on a date, has never been kissed, and has never been intimate. She told me she felt really insecure about all of this and was convinced that men did not like her enough to be with her, especially if they knew she was a "virgin."
I comforted her and told her that nobody would care if she was had never been with anyone and was in no way required to tell a man her dating history anyways. We talked a lot about putting herself out there and going out more and building confidence etc. She expressed to me that she was ready to date!
I tend to keep my social life pretty busy, going out a lot, travelling for the weekends when I can, hosting group hang outs and what not. I took to inviting her to more of these events than before, even with the friend circles she was not as familiar with. I even straight up introduced her to a guy friend that I thought was her type.
Well last night she asked me to come over and then sobbed about how unlovable she was and how nobody wants her. I then asked her if she has been talking with people when we go out, if she has been flirting, if she was even on dating apps.
She said NO to all of these. I was like well wait a minute I thought you said you were wanting to date it doesn't sound like you've been trying to date? I asked her if anything happened with the guy friend I introduced her to and she said he didn't seem interested in her when they spoke one time.
At this point I am kind of baffled by her behavior, especially because she is a sobbing mess. I asked her what she expected to happen after we talked in June and she said she was disappointed that no men approached her in public flirting or anything. I said well you haven't approached men either and she said she's more comfortable if men approach because she's too nervous.
I then told her that it was entirely her fault she wasn't getting dates because she wasn't even trying, which made her cry harder. I went on and told her that she needs to stop playing the "nobody likes me" excuse because she won't even talk to men she likes.
She told me to get out of her apartment and then later texted me and told me that was the meanest thing anyone had ever said to her and she was reconsidering our friendship. I responded and told her that I cared for her but she needed a wake up call big time.
This morning, I do feel bad for being so harsh, but I was so beyond frustrated after having this conversation for months and then finding out she wasn't even doing anything about it. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
JimmyAintSure4646 said:
NTA at all! It sounds like your friend is waiting for a man to fall from the sky and appear in her lap? It's quite astounding really. I feel like there is more to this story, like perhaps your friend is extremely unattractive or socially awkward in some way? Either way, none of this is your fault. You can't help those who won't help themselves.
Loquacious555 said:
NTA. She needed to hear that she's not even trying. Men are just as nervous. Why should the onus be on them to interact w/ her? She needs to get over herself and stop whining and do something about it.
IAmTAAlways said:
NTA, a boyfriend isn't just going to fall into her lap. I made the first move with my husband so I can't relate as I will go after what I want. She's also got to understand that men can be just as hesitant to make the first move. She won't find a boyfriend without putting herself out there.
3kids_nomoney said:
NTA - someone had to tell her…
buttpickles99 said:
NTA - it’s not going to magically happen without putting herself out there! You are 100%, she needed the wake up call. If she doesn’t want to be friends after this that is her decision, but real friends tell you the truth like you did. She has incel energy.
AnUnassumingGrade9 said:
YTA. Why phrase it like that when she's obviously in an extremely emotional state?
ReleaseDifferent8915 said:
NTA. Sometimes the truth hurts, but needs to be said. That said, I might apologize for getting frustrated about it. There’s really no need for you to get frustrated over something you can’t control.