Woman humiliates fiancé at his office after he changes the wedding menu behind her back. AITA? UPDATED

When this woman humiliates her fiancé at the office, she asks the internet:

"AITA flipping out on my fiance for completely changing the wedding menu behind my back?"

My fiance (31 male) and I (25 female) are getting married soon. There wasn't much that disagreed on during the wedding planning except for food.

Me and my family are vegans, and there so many reasons why we chose this lifestyle and one of them being that we have a history of health issues. My fiance and his family are the complete opposite. they're hardcore meat eaters which is fine by me obviously.

However, When deciding on the wedding food menu, I wanted to add 4-5 vegan options. My fiance and his mom objected saying it was a waste of money over food that 'isn't real food'.

They also argued that this would be offensive for 'their' guests and suggested my vegan options just be "the good ol' salads & appetizers" (his mom wanted cupcakes lol). I said no because for one it's me and my family who's paying.

and two I want to make my guests feel welcome and not be treated as second class citizens by being served "salad". my fiance made a face and said "isn't that what vegans eat?". I refused to argue about it and said it was final.

The other day, I found out that he had cancelled all the vegan options and took them off the menu completely and behind my back. I was seething. I called him at work but he kept hanging up on me. I went straight to his workplace and confronted him there and just flipped out on him.

He was stunned to see me. He at first said it was his mom's idea then told me to go home because I was making a scene at the office. the fight continued at home and he defended himself by saying that I sort of made him resort to doing this after I kept brushing off his thoughs and input, and refusing to accommadate his family.

but there were PLENTY of meat options why why can't I get 4-5 vegan options? when I'm paying for it?. He yelled that it was his wedding too not my family's. My family said it was fine and they'll figure it out and told me to let it go but I refused. AITA for putting my foot down on this?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

kyraphim writes:

NTA. As someone who has been vegan/vegetarian for 15 years and very familiar with this kind of hostility from meat eaters, I beg of you to seriously reconsider your relationship.

His family is one thing, but if he's so flippant about your lifestyle and makes comments about it not being real food, it means he doesn't respect you. Especially if he's doing shit like this behind your back.

Doesn't seem like he's trustworthy. He sounds like the type of person that would intentionally feed you non vegan things because he thinks it's funny and would teach you a lesson.

copperman writes:

NTA. Is your fiancé always this disrespectful to you and your family? I’m sure he knows your reasons for being vegan and he still went ahead and made the choice to exclude you and your family at your own wedding while you are footing the bill. OP, this seems indicative of the type of treatment you should expect after the wedding.

Complete disregard for your needs, your HEALTH, your choices, and your happiness as well as the willingness to withhold the truth from you. It seems like a big red flag to me, OP. You should reconsider going forward with this marriage to a man who is already demonstrating this level of entitlement and disregard for you.

garaty writes:

ESH only because OP showed up to his workplace to yell at him. Regardless of the situation, creating drama that could potentially impact his financial security is not okay. Otherwise NTA. OP is paying for it so fiancé has no right to cancel the order. It does seem like his mother is enmeshed.

He should be listening to OP’s requests about her food limitations and be respectful to her and her family. Also love OP’s family for being so nice and being flexible about food. I assume they will go out before, after or have to order their own food.

Esp when OP is paying for the food it’s sad that her family will have to find other options. Op asking for information: Can you call the catering service and reorder and then put yourself as the contact not your fiancé or his mother?

bigrpe writes:

ESH. How in the world are you getting married to a man who doesn't respect your diet? I mean seriously, how did your relationship progress to this point? Was he always dismissive of your food choices? Did he somehow hold his tongue until it got to the wedding?

I say ESH, because how did you let it get to this point without noticing? Also, why are you not saying, "You know, I don't think you're the right guy for me". He doesn't have to be a vegan, but he damn sure better respect your choice to be one.

It doesn't seem like he is willing to even pretend to respect that. You're seeing right now what your marriage is going to be like.

And to be clear, you're being an A H to yourself to put up with this. You deserve better, stop mistreating yourself by allowing others to mistreat you.

mmilseoveh writes:

Nta that’s messed up, I will say using I’m paying for whole thing can be a tough response. As it is his wedding too and you guys have to decide together, not with this food thing that’s fd up on him. It’s like telling a stay at home spouse that cause you make all the money it’s your decision. but I’m just curious what’s the eating situation?

You guys sound like your spending way too much on different food options. Usually appetizers there’s like 4 in total and main course there’s 3. Are these appetizers or main dishes? It’s your wedding do whatever but you guys should try to lower the amount if u have 5 vegan options plus the meat options, which idk how many that is.

Unless it’s buffet style, but my sister did a buffet with like 6 things in total, people barely eat at weddings. From my experience too many options lead to wasted money and food. Just curious cause there’s other comments that’ll say why he’s the asshole better then me.

snook76 writes:

NTA. I would straight up cancel the wedding. Food is a basic need, respecting your partner is a basic requirement and in this case it imploded like this.

At my wedding the catering messed up what "vegan" is, and it was just one family that was strictly vegan. I hissed at them at my wedding for the disrespect. (I told them half the people would be vegan, I am vegetarian and so are many of my friends.)

And they bought entirely too many meat options, that nobody ate and I refused to pay. It was a whole showdown. If I imagine my husband had caused this, rings would have been off the finger so fast.

Having in-laws itself is a struggle at times, but having a husband who blames the in laws for his bad choices... If you have kids, this is going to suck the life out of you, because they will put their nose into everything. Including your kids nutrition, you better believe they won't agree that your kid has allergies...

knownabitm7 writes:

NTA. Do you want to be with someone that doesn’t respect you or your family? Because that’s exactly what this is. He would rather have you and your family barely have anything to eat at your wedding.

What the f. Him and his family aren’t the only people present. And as you being one of the people getting married, you should be able to have at least one proper dish that you can eat. Not an appetiser or a salad. An actual dish.

You cannot be with someone that disrespects and hurts you like that. If he respected you, he wouldn’t have gotten rid of those options behind your back. He would’ve accepted that you and your family also need to eat.

Your family is only saying that it’s fine and that they will figure it out because they want to support you. But it’s not fine. They should be able to eat at your wedding and not be uncomfortable because the groom didn’t want there to be options for them to eat. Again, NTA.

And now, OP's update:

UPDATE: So his mom messaged me earlier to try to get me to listen to what she had to say after I kept ignoring her phonecalls. She spent long walls of text just to "address" what I did at her son's workplace, calling it all kinds of stuff from immature to unhinged.

She then went to explain how she's noticed that me and my family kept "acting dismissive" of her son's input and "contributations" to the wedding. She said that she noticed my behavior towards him and her entire family and wanted to speak up earlier but didn't and tried to keep the peace.

She then went on to address the food menu issue and denied her involvement in the cancellation of the vegan option but that didn't mean she doesn't support her son's decision. moreover, she thought it was soooo responsible of him to make that move because of my continual refusal to see how this stuff is waste of money.

she also pointed out how I kept saying "I paid for it" and said that technically this isn't just my money, it's mine and his because we're getting married she suggested I wisen up and get rid of "my money, I paid for it" mentality.

She finally mentioned how "bad" this whole situation is making me look, and said that she and her son had already offered a number of compromises that I chose to brush off and decided to make it my "weird" hill to die on.

She said that not only her son is upset but she and "the family" are as well after hearing about it and suggested I just agrre on their compromise and be done with it.

This pissed me off beyond belief I responded by letting her know that I'm still standing my ground on this even if I'll have to call the whole wedding off because of it because honestly? this is just ridiculous, it is!!! my mom and dad....they don't even know what to say anymore.

Apparently, my fiance saw my response to her (he's with her) and is now trying to call me but right now I'm waiting on him to get home and see if he's still insisting on the stance he took. I'll update if there's anything worth adding after we talk.