Woman's husband of 2 years finds out details about her past; 'I'm scared he's going to divorce me.' UPDATED 2X

"My husband [M34] of 2 years found out details about my [F31] past, and I'm scared it could lead to divorce."

I'll try and keep this short. We've known each other 5 years, been married for 2 years, and up until last weekend things were perfectly fine. Maybe once in a while we'd bicker about money or something, but 99% of the time we were happy together.

While out last weekend for a friends birthday, a (now ex) friend of mine told my husband about a relationship I had in college. My husband knew about my college boyfriend, but obviously I didn't share intimate details about our se% life.

Well... it came out that I used to engage in group things with him and his male roommate. Probably 12-15 times in total, but all my husband knows is that it was 'more than once'.

College was a totally different time in my life. I was drinking every weekend, doing recreational dr@gs every month, partying, having casual flings - just like everyone else at that age.

It was a hedonistic "live for today" lifestyle that I thankfully grew out of. I look back on those years with a lot of regrets, and not just about my se% life. I mean, it was 10+ years ago. I'm a totally different person now.

Regardless, I know my husband sees me in a totally different light. He hasn't slept in our bed since he found out, and he's barely spoken to me all week.

I'm so scared he'll divorce me, I'm walking on eggshells just trying to stay out of his way while he works through this. I really want to sit him down and clear the air, I just don't know where to begin... I feel like one slip of the tongue and our relationship could be completely over.

I know I'm not a good person for keeping this from him, so please don't lecture me. It was a chapter of my life I'd thought I'd closed for good. It was my ONE secret, and I honestly debated telling him about it but came to the conclusion that no positive outcome could come from it.

TL;DR - My husband [M34] of 2 years found out some of my [F31] se%ual exploits in college. He has barely talked to me since he found out, and I'm afraid our relationship might be finished over something I did 10 years ago before I even knew him.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

fingy writes:

People don't change THAT much. It could be that he just simply knows more about how you view se% now, and it may not be compatible with his own views. I honestly don't blame him for being creeped out about that.

OOP: It's not something I'd EVER want to do at this age. Like I said, it was a lifetime ago.

putsch80: Is your husband upset that you used to be dventurous because he has a moral problem with it? Or is it because you are not adventurous with him?

OOP: He's never complained about our se% life.

aghao writes:

Honestly, I don't think you've done anything wrong and if this (something that occurred when he wasn't in your life whatsoever) is a deal breaker for him then you are better off. He's being a childish idiot about it.

The past was meant to stay in the past and I don't believe you were obligated to talk to him about your experiences with previous partners. The way he is acting is ridiculous. I understand he may be bothered by it but wow, handle it like a man, dude.

OOP I'm not "better off" without him. This is the man I love, we've built a life together. A divorce would completely ruin my life.

How did her husband find out the information

He was talking to an old friend of mine on a night where we were all drinking. My friend claims it was a "drunken slip of the tongue" but she has a history of pulling stuff like this. I'm 100% done with her, I no longer consider her a friend. I'm looking to save my marriage and don't want to discuss this with friends/family.

Update 1:

As of this morning, we still hadn't slept in the same bed or spoken more than 10 words to each other in passing. As I was waking up, he was walking in the front door with two coffees. He sat me down at our kitchen table and finally opened up to me.

Basically he feels that he was "conned" (his word) into the marriage, saying that he wouldn't have even dated me, let alone married me, if he'd known what he knows now.

His view of me has been irreparably changed and he no longer sees me "as someone worthy of being [his] wife". (quoting him here... loving prick) Beyond the se%al aspect, he says he no longer trusts me because I "kept something this big" from him our whole relationship.

Nothing I could do or say could convince him that these were past mistakes and not reflective of who I am today. He wasn't angry with me, didn't call me a sl& or anything like that. Never once raised his voice. Part of me wishes he did, although I can't exactly say why right now. It felt like I was being laid off from a job.

So that's it. We are getting divorced. My supposed life-partner turning his back on me without a second thought. He didn't even have the decency to discuss it with me first - apparently he visited his lawyer during the week and "the process is in motion" (his words). Knowing him, there is absolutely no changing his mind.

My husband owns multiple businesses and wouldn't get married without a prenup. I signed it, honest-to-god thinking we'd never, EVER have to use it. Well, he had the loving document with him this morning.

He said he'd pay off the remainder of my student loans, which he isn't "legally obligated" to do. While I appreciate that, I am going to meet with my lawyer this week and see if the agreement can be challenged in court. We have built a life together, I gave him 5 of the best years of my life and I've been 100% faithful to him - I don't loving deserve to be tossed out like a piece of trash.

So that's it. My life turned upside-down in the span of a week, over something I did 10+ YEARS AGO BEFORE I EVEN KNEW HIM. The thing is, even as I wrote the original post, in the back of my mind I knew he was through with me. He's ended friendships and business partnerships over less.

TL;DR - My husband finally spoke to me, and is apparently proceeding with a divorce.

gaegsuat writes:

I think when it comes to stuff like this people need to realise it's a two way street. Sure you have no obligation to tell your partner about stuff like this, but he also has no obligation to stay with you if he finds out you didn't tell him.

A lot of dudes are forgiving and understanding and will 'own it'. It's just like why did you keep it from him? People don't like to think they are getting a 'raw deal' or don't 'know what they're getting into'.

I know it seems strange because like I said a lot of guys probably won't care.

It's not really about se%, because that can be forgotten it's about weird social dynamics.

People need to make up their mind and realise society isn't the way they want it to be just because they wish it so.

Just because some people with high partner counts say they "aren't ashamed of what they did", then why do they hide it at every opportunity? Why do they lie when they want a man to commit to them?

Why do they get so defensive when it's discussed and get so hurt even discussing about preferences? Why does the idea of a man preferring a woman who has the same boundaries or viewpoints on se% as him offend them so much?

It's because they know it is seen as less attractive to some men, but they want to have their cake and eat it. You can only be the best person you can be regardless of if you made mistakes in the past.

But if you haven't made them yet, just know that doing certain things may close certain doors even though some stay open. You can't force people to want you after you have had 100 men if they've only had 2 women.

Some people are fine with that, but all this "don't judge me" stuff is ridiculous. People judge on many things when they get into serious relationships, including marriage.

The clowns who come on posts to do with high counts or se%ual secrets always betray their true feelings and regrets. If it's not such a big deal, why do you hide it? That shows you know that it has repercussions.

It doesn't matter if it's fair or not, it's the way it is. Some women don't like ethnic men, some don't like short men.. But a lot do. You cannot force attraction.

Every time these posts get made and many men come out and say they don't like women that have that view of se% or have that count for whatever reason, no amount of shaming or self persuasion will change the way they feel.

And lying doesn't help. It's only worse, because it just encourages men that feel that way to drop you like a hot potato when they find out with no chance at making it better.

If you own it and tell them after they have known the real you and have 'proof it's in the past' then many men will be ok with it. I know I would actually love a girl that has character to admit that. But the extreme is I'd be enraged at being manipulated and wonder what else she is lying about if she lied.

The best thing you can do is curb the actions if you feel you want those kind of men, or 'own' it. If you 'own' it, it convinces the man to accept it. I mean how bad can it be if you admit to him what happened?

Lying to him is the worst thing possible because that in itself shows it's so bad that you cannot even admit reality to him. It also means even if you do tell the truth there will still be doubt. It will taint a lot of things in the relationship and they'll feel they will ever know the end of all the undesirable things that you hid.

Update 2 (with comments and responses from OP):

fortuaa writes:

I'm curious, why are you looking to challenge the pre-nup in court? Do you feel that you have a right to his assets or money from HIS businesses, or are you just being a vengeful person?? Were you an investor or founding member of any these projects with him? Were you instrumental in their development and success in any material way?

Don't give me this "emotional support" crap. The whole time you were supposedly "emotionally supporting" him, he was using the proceeds from his businesses to provide for you. That's the deal in a marriage.

Now that the marriage is ending, the monetary support from his businesses is going to be cut off from you. He's being generous by offering to pay off your loans. It sounds like you're just being a spiteful person looking to suck as much of his money as the legal system will allow.

OOP Exactly. What do I have to lose? To protect his fragile ego, I have to start my life over at square one. I'Il probably have to move in with my parents. I don't even know if |'lI have a car by summer. I get why he's mad. I totally get it. He just didn't even give us a chance. He doesn't KNOW our relationship won't work out.

He didn't even try. He ran to his lawyer and excersized a contingency argreement without even TALKING TO ME. He's taking the cowards way out and it destroys my life in the process

aggg09 writes:

I seriously don't know what is going on in this thread where the to voted comments are about how it's all on you because you're a liar?!??

This is the same subreddit that will tell most posters that their past is no one else's business. Maybe these people only read your update and assumed you hid both of those from him? I don't know.

Either way, YOU did nothing wrong. If your past was such a big deal for him, HE should have asked you some questions, not just assumed you were some pure little angel living in a bubble just waiting for this one specific man to come whisk you away. If having a past is a dealbreaker and he didn't question you, that's on him. Not you.

Lawyer up, make the split, and go find some guy who won't judge you for actions that happened 15 years ago and have no bearing on him whatsoever.

OOP: Any time I mentioned an ex-boyfriend just in conversation, like "Oh, I went to [destination] with 'ex-boyfriend]" - he'd get unhappy. He never came out and said it, but I could tell it made him uncomfortable. So early on in our relationship, I made the conscious decision to stop talking about my past boyfriends completely.