Woman's husband asked to be a groomsman but SHE's not invited. 'He doesn't even have a plus one.' AITA? UPDATED 4X OVER 1 YEAR
When this woman is confused by an upcoming wedding, she asks the internet:
"My Husband Is Invited To Be A Groomsman But I Am NOT Invited To The Wedding? I'm so annoyed. AITA?"
Hey all, need some advice on how I should proceed. My husband is a groomsman in his childhood friends wedding.
The bride is best friends with my husbands ex (he dumped her months before even meeting me) and the bride has obviously asked said ex to be a bridesmaid. I’ve only met the bride and groom a couple times in passing, and I’ve never met the ex.
(But thanks to mutual friends I do know the ex was regularly “creeping” me online up until quite recently).
So with all that being said, yesterday we received the formal invitation, and it’s addressed only to my husband. I’m not mentioned anywhere, there’s nothing about a +1.
My husband (bless his heart) assumed it was an oversight and texted the groom to see if I was actually invited. And the groom responded along the lines of “oh, I guess, it would be really awkward for ‘ex’ but if she really wants to come I guess she can.”
Ummm. I personally have no interest going to the time and expense of attending a wedding where I’m clearly not welcome, and my husband has said he will just back out of the wedding.
But it’s only about three months away, and as offended as I am I am not sure this justifies my husband potentially ending an almost two decade long friendship with the groom?
I’m genuinely not sure how to proceed. Please help y’all!
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
babafr writes:
So that’s not only rude because you are his WIFE, but also because as a groomsman, really he should get to invite someone regardless of relationship. I don’t blame you for not wanting to go, but I would have a conversation with your husband about options.
Do you want to just not go, and let him go? Do you want him to have a more frank conversation with the groom about how it’s quite disrespectful of your relationship to cut you out AND make you feel unwelcome?
I get there are complex relationship issues here, but it’s a pretty dick move of the groom to not invite his groomsman’s wife. Or was this a steamroll decision by the bride? Sorry you’re dealing with this but it sounds like you’re approaching it as level-headedly as possible, which is all you can do.
OP responded:
I think I’m only holding it together because I don’t know the bride and groom well. I would be much more upset if they were a couple I knew and cared about. I’m highly offended, and very unimpressed by this couple and the way they conduct themselves.
But more than anything I’m upset at them doing this to my husband. My husband has been an extremely loyal friend to the groom for going on 20 years, so I think this is really hurting my husband. And if you hurt my husband, I’m coming for you.
jackiejseru writes:
So that’s not only rude because you are his WIFE, but also because as a groomsman, really he should get to invite someone regardless of relationship. I don’t blame you for not wanting to go, but I would have a conversation with your husband about options.
Do you want to just not go, and let him go? Do you want him to have a more frank conversation with the groom about how it’s quite disrespectful of your relationship to cut you out AND make you feel unwelcome?
I get there are complex relationship issues here, but it’s a pretty dick move of the groom to not invite his groomsman’s wife. Or was this a steamroll decision by the bride? Sorry you’re dealing with this but it sounds like you’re approaching it as level-headedly as possible, which is all you can do.
fonda writes:
This is ridiculous. I would definitely go. If the bride and groom have any sense of what is appropriate they should have made it clear you were welcome. They do realize he is married, right?
Totally wondering. But yeah I would totally go and kill them with kindness. It would be the perfect revenge and my own personal 'eff you' to get something really fantastic to wear and show them all who the WIFE is. Yeah I'd go.
OP replies:
Oh yes, they know he’s married. They were BOTH invited to our wedding. And yes part of me really wants to go for that exact reason. I’m worked up so I’m sorry for sounding vain/anti-feminist, but I’m objectively better looking and more successful than both the bride and the ex.
By a lot. So if I were to go I would definitely “win.” But I’m also just not like them: I dont thrive on drama, I thrive on kindness and compassion. Which is upsetting me even more because I feel like this is bringing out an ugly side of me that I dont care for!
pink11 writes:
Wow. That's really tacky not to invite you. Did you have a row with them or something in the past or is it strictly because you are married to his brides bestfriends-ex?
If you honestly haven't done anything - I'd expect Husband to back down out of principle for not inviting you and letting you make the decision if you wanted to come or not.
gosleuthyourself writes:
I have only met the bride and groom a couple of times, very briefly each time. I cant imagine what I could have done to offend them during such short encounters. I just shook their hands, said nice to meet/see you, asked them about themselves (how they met each other, how they are enjoying their new house etc.)
and then they got chatting with my husband and I just listened and didn’t interrupt (I figured it was their reunion and I didnt want to monopolize their time together.) maybe I was TOO quiet and came across as rude?
staty writes:
I have a feeling that this might be coming from the Ex? Like she asked the bride not to invite you? If that's the case, she must be extremely immature and petty.
I think you have two options here- You don't go, your husband does, all will seem okay on the surface but there will be a lingering awkwardness between you all. Can you live with that?
Option two- You go, look absolutely f-g amazing and act like the most serene guest that has ever attended a wedding (even if you feel awkward as hell underneath).
Will you know more people there? Like have somebody to sit with at the ceremony and reception? If so, I would definitely go and look like the bigger person. If you're going to be on your own though you might look a bit out of place?
OP replies:
I’ve never met the ex, but from what I’ve heard from my husband and mutual friends she is quite immature. And I guess their breakup really did a number on her. I can understand that to an extent, if I had had someone as amazing as my husband then lost him I would be upset too.
But not for six years. I wouldnt know anyone there but my husband, who would be at the head table. I would probably be fine sitting with strangers (I’m pretty friendly and social) but it would still be insanely awkward for me and I’m not sure it would be worth it, even to glide in there and put both those catty ladies to shame lol.
husker65 writes:
I was in a similar situation, but I was invited to the wedding. My now Fiancé was a groomsman, and his ex wife was a bridesmaid.
They were high school sweethearts, got married young, and 6 months after they got married she cheated on him. Fiancé and I were together for almost 3 years by the time this wedding rolled around, but they were still both in it.
The bride stayed close with his ex, and the groom stayed close with my Fiancé. Days prior to the wedding my FH ex reached out to him and it was real weird, and I won't lie I was so nervous to attend this wedding, just because I had never met her, and well it was just awkward.
The first event was the rehearsal dinner, and she showed up an hour late, and then left immediately after the bride to be gave out gifts. She didn't interact with anyone and was super weird about everything. FH and I had a great time.
The wedding went super well, and we never said one word to each other, and she only said two words to FH. It was actually one of the best weddings I have ever been to, and I never thought I would have said that prior to the wedding. FH and I had a blast and acted like nothing was weird.
The point of this is that I don't know why they are making this into a bigger deal than it should be.
They are both two grown adults and the bride and groom asked them both to be in the wedding, and YOU should be included in this celebration as well. They are making this an even bigger deal by not including you.
I would honestly just go, and act like an adult and that there is nothing wrong with you attending a wedding with your husband.... I mean you are his wife, not his girlfriend of 2 months.... please keep us all updated on what happens. I am sorry that this is happening to you.
lemoncake6 writes:
I would love to get some insight into timeframe here - how long have they been broken up? Unless there are extenuating circumstances here - ie a really nasty breakup of some kind - it sounds weird that they would accommodate that. Your husband must be a good friend of the groom, surely they want you there!
OP replies:
That’s why I’m so confused! They broke up over six YEARS ago. My husband moved to a new state (my state) a few months after they broke up, then we met and started dating a few months after that. So at least 6 months had passed between him dumping her, and him dating me.
A mutual friend said the ex was holding out hope he would eventually move home and they would get back together. But I feel like when he got engaged to someone else that flame of hope should have gone out. Or if not then, then definitely on the wedding day. Or one year anniversary. Or five year anniversary.
unwatedchild5 writes:
My question is: who is your husband walking with during the ceremony? If it’s his ex then I can see why it would be uncomfortable for her. I feel there is more going on then you are aware of.
OP replies:
The ex is one of the MOHs (there’s two) and they will be escorted by the grooms two brothers (the best men) so my husband will be escorting someone else. And yes I agree, something more has to be going on.
None of this makes sense at all. I feel like the awkward part is having both of them in the wedding party, not necessarily having me in the pews. The only thing I can think of is the ex is crazy.
Which I know is a cliche assumption, but she took the breakup very badly, begged for him back for months, reached out to him after we started dating (he shut her down, told me immediately, and blocked her, good hubby award) and is still single.
So I am trying to be sympathetic as this is obviously still very hard for her, but I really just don’t understand. It’s been six years.
lanimarried writes:
It really sounds like it's the bride being catty and not particularly the groom being catty (maybe it is, but I think we brides have more of a say when it comes to the guest list, idk) so I feel no invite to you doesn't merit ending what isn't your friendship, but your husband's friendship.
Although it was disrespectful and your husband's offer not to go was great, I think there are two choices here for him.
If his friendship was a good one, he should just go to support his friend at the altar, then not attend the reception (or attend for a short time only basically to eat). I definitely would not want to attend if I were in your shoes anyway just because as a groomsman he would have a lot to do and you would be alone much of the night unless you know other people there.
Or he could just do as he offered and not attend and maybe just send a more groom-centric wedding gift specifically from him.
In either case, his friend should get an explanation from your husband as to why he was offended by you not getting an invite in the first place (it honestly is really catty). If they had a good friendship then this would not be a "friendship ending move" I think.
gingerspiceee writes:
First, it is really messed up that he is a groomsmen, but was not given a plus one when they know that he is married. Who cares if it is awkward for the ex! I would be pissed if I was you and your husband.
Also, that is a rude response from the groom. Also, if I was your husband I would be rethinking this friendship because what couple has a wedding and does not invite the spouses of their guests?!
I invited any significant others unless they were newly dating (like one month or two) because I did not even know about them. Good luck! I appreciate your maturity about the situation, I would not be so kind if I was in your shoes.
And now, OP's official update:
Hey all! A bunch of people asked me to follow up once my husband spoke with the groom, so I’m just creating a new post rather than try to respond to everyone individually.
Recap: my husband was asked to be a groomsman in an old friends wedding (I’ve only met the bride and groom a couple times), my husbands ex is a bridesmaid (I’ve never met the ex). I was not invited due to it making the ex uncomfortable.
ANYWAY: My husband called the groom up last night, and the convo went as well as it could under the circumstances. My husband explained to the groom that we are a team, a social unit, and used what a lot of you guys said about the bride and groom asking him to celebrate their relationship as they disrespected ours etc.
The groom said he never intended to hurt or offend us, and hadn’t thought through the situation well enough and realized how stupid and ignorant it was, apologized profusely and said of course I was invited and they would love to have me.
Their original reasoning (as told to my husband then repeated to me) is that the ex always thought my husband would move home and get back together with her. So even though they were broken up well before the two of us met, she didn’t fully believe their breakup was permanent until we got engaged.
And she kind of feels like he chose me over her, and never got closure. And she didn’t want to be around the girl she “lost to.”
And so because the bride and groom live in the same small town as the ex and spend a lot of time with her, they thought it would be an easy way to keep the peace by just not having me come, and figured I wouldn’t care to attend the wedding anyway since I barely know them.
I believe the groom was genuinely clueless about etiquette, and I believe his apology was sincere. I am not convinced the same is true of the bride, but I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt.
The solution we came to is this: we will both attend the church ceremony (him as a groomsman, me as a guest) so that he can stand up with his friend. Then we will both skip the reception to avoid any uncomfortable situations for anyone, and go have a romantic weekend to ourselves.
The groom was disappointed my husband wouldn’t be there for all the festivities but was very understanding and apologetic, and is planning a trip out to see us after the honeymoon.
Small Update 2:
Yeah I feel bad for the groom, he’s a nice enough guy. Just oblivious, and let’s people walk over him. Hopefully this opens up some good dialogue between him and the bride so this behavior doesn’t continue in their marriage.
Small Update 3:
Wow totally forgot to update! My bad. It was really uneventful and drama free, so no crazy stories.
The groom called my husband less than two weeks before the wedding more or less begging us to reconsider and come to the reception. We decided to just get over it, so hubby agreed to go to the reception and I stuck with my original plan to attend the ceremony only.
Ceremony was nice and simple (hubby escorted the grooms sister, not the ex, yay!), it looked like they overestimated attendance because there were a lot of empty seats. I would say a little less than 1/3 empty. After the ceremony I headed back to the hotel and relaxed in the hot tub and caught up on some reading.
Hubby went with the bridal party to do photos then went to the reception. He said the reception was pretty underwhelming, the food/toasts/cake/first dance etc were all pretty rushed and a good chunk of people left shortly after that. Hubby also left as soon as all the traditions were out of the way, so he doesn’t know if it picked up at all.
He didn’t say anything to the ex aside from a polite greeting and the ex didn’t try to approach him, so no drama there.
It was pretty much just a typical, kinda boring wedding experience, and I’m not sure why the bride and groom were so worried it would be an issue.
And now, OP's 4th update, 1 year later:
Hey all! Just wanted to share the (over) 1 year update to my story, since there is actually an update to share. This is going to be pretty long so I will add a tl;dr to the very bottom.
Situation recap (my other posts provide more context, it was a really bizarre situation):
Over a year ago my husbands friend asked him to be a groomsman, and my husbands ex (best friend of the bride) was a bridesmaid. I was not invited, and when my husband asked why, the groom informed him it was because my presence would make the bridesmaid/ex uncomfortable.
My husband explained how offensive that was, and that he wasn’t going to attend if they were going to disrespect our own marriage like that. The groom was genuinely apologetic, and we believed he just didn’t realize how taboo it was.
We were pretty confident it was all the bride and her bridesmaid, and the groom was just clueless and went along with it.
But anyway, the groom backpedaled and said I should definitely come, and my husband and I ended up deciding that I would attend the ceremony then leave, and my husband would get the formalities out of the way (pictures, cake cutting at reception, toasts etc) then we would connect and have our own romantic evening.
Wedding recap: Nothing crazy happened, the ceremony itself was low-key. The bride and groom did a receiving line at the end so I took the opportunity to be kind. I congratulated them and expressed well wishes, and told the bride she looked lovely, and then moved right along.
My husband went with the rest of the bridal party to have pictures taken, and said it was uneventful. He and the ex didn’t really speak (they had exchanged greetings prior to the ceremony) and it was all fine.
He said the reception was a bit disorganized. By the time the bridal party got there most everybody had already eaten their buffet dinner, so they went right into first dances and toasts and such, and the bridal party just ate as they were able.
By the time the cake was cut and passed out many people were leaving, so my hubby just ate some cake, said his goodbyes, and headed back to me! The ex didn’t approach him and neither the bride nor groom said anything about it.
So here is the most recent interesting stuff. Shortly after the wedding, my husbands relationship with the groom became stilted. The groom would take days/weeks to respond to texts, and when he did it was like a one word answer type situation.
Wouldn’t even attempt to connect when we were in the area, etc. It was pretty crappy, but my husband took the “oh well, I tried, his loss” mentality. Fast forward to this week (like literally three days ago): groom calls my husband out of the blue, he is getting divorced.
He didn’t share every single detail, but apparently his (soon to be ex) wife had been acting like a crazy person from the time they got engaged up to the wedding and he just let it go thinking it was just some bridezilla crap that would go away after the wedding.
But the bride actually got worse after the wedding, was super manipulative and controlling, to the point that she was dictating who he could and could not spend time with.
So he filed for divorce and actually seems happy and at peace with his decision. He and my husband have been talking a lot the last couple of days, and it seems like they are going to be able to be close friends again!
From what the groom (ex groom now I guess) has told us, it seems like the wedding drama was primarily the bride, and the ex-girlfriend was just egging it on, rather than the other way around which is what I had originally thought.
But regardless I am happy this poor guy is getting out of a relationship that was toxic at best, abusive at worst. And I am very happy that my husband has his friend back! The end!
Tl;dr my husband was a groomsman in his friends wedding, his ex-girlfriend was a bridesmaid, I wasn’t invited to avoid making the ex uncomfortable (??). My husband wasn’t going to go without me, and after realizing how rude it was so exclude me, the groom invited me.
I only went to the ceremony and was as kind as could be. Husband went for photos and to the reception and said it was uneventful. After the wedding the groom basically vanished, and we thought he was just ending the friendship.
Fast-forward to a few days ago, and the groom calls my husband out of the blue to say he is getting divorced because the bride is borderline abusive.
The bride was the one who “started” the drama and the ex encouraged it to continue. Regardless, my husband got his friend back so that’s great :)