Woman's husband ignores her calls during traumatic labor; brother plays horrible prank on him to get revenge. AITA? LEGAL UPDATES
When this woman is horrified by the prank played on her husband after he ignores her calls during labor, she asks the internet:
"My husband ignored my calls while I was in labor, then my brother played a very dark prank on him. AITA?"
My husband and I got in a fight prior to my daughter birth a week ago, when he casually suggested a paternity test for our daughter when she was born. TO BE CLEAR…This was completely out of the blue with no wanting or reason.
I’m a homebody who works remotely with no male friends other than my brother. I told him that he was accusing me of infidelity and he said he ‘just wanted to be sure’. And kept bringing it up until I told him (after three days of him asking and the stress starting to make me physically ill) that I didn’t want to talk to him and left to my brothers house.
I called him while I was gone and tried to work it out but he refused. After all this I went home the next day to grab some things while he was at work, and I went into labour. I called him 16 times. Before calling my brother who called him another half a dozen time himself while on the way to pick me up and then on the way to the hospital.
It was a horrible and traumatic birth. I started crowning in the car and the doctor delivered my daughter in the back of my brothers van because I was too far along to move me, before rushing me in when I kept bleeding. It was horrible.
I hated it all. My brothers wife who is a nurse even told me she honestly thought I wouldn’t make it. I also opted for a hysterectomy as it came to that or something more dangerous. I only ever wanted one or none but my husband wants a large family. I’m trying to bond with my daughter but it’s been hard.
The point is that during this while I was returning from surgery (10 hours after I called) my husband finally responded and asked why I hadn’t answered his call, however, my brother had my phone and was so angry that he said “this is [op’s brother] I’m at the hospital. She didn’t make it.” And turned it off.
My husband rushed over and got there when I had just woken up and started shouting until the security forced him out. And then didn’t get to see our daughter until the next day because I was mostly asleep and apparently they needed my signature to allow him back.
My sil thinks it was horribly cruel but that he deserved it. But my brother stands by his ‘prank’, and says that he only gave my husband 10 minutes of the same fear he had felt at my side for 10+ hrs.
Whenever he sees my husband he also keeps telling him that I nearly died because we waited for him. My brother used to be mostly indifferent to my husband, but now he absolutely hates him, you can see it in his face whenever my husband enters the room. And he’s been visiting a lot because he doesn’t trust my husband to care for me while I’m still healing.
My husband is furious that he won’t apologize and that I won’t ‘make him’ and yelled at me when I said that the only reason my brother had my phone was because he wasn’t there.
I am trying to be empathetic, I know he feels guilty. I’ve spoken to me therapist and she says the apathy I’m feeling is likely general and not solely focus on him from lingering shock from the trauma. But didn’t say much about the prank.
My MIL has been texting me to say that my family is horribly cruel for the prank and that I should go no contact with my brother, and now my husband is saying the same.
I just don’t know what to do, I’m not in a good headspace it’s been hard to be in the same room with my husband and I’ve been sleeping in the guest room with my daughter. He brought up the paternity once and I just exhaustedly told him to ‘either get out of my face or go stay with his mom if he’s planning on stressing me out even more.’
I really don’t feel myself…and yes, I am taking the likelihood of ppd seriously and my therapist who has suggested that it may be ptsd too. However, I just want more opinions because I just don’t know.
Before we read OP's two intense updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
zelousbierd writes:
Your husband sounds like a piece of work. Normally I would think what your brother did was very low, but I support this.
My brother used to be mostly indifferent to my husband, but now he absolutely hates him, you can see it in his face whenever my husband enters the room. And he’s been visiting a lot because he doesn’t trust my husband to care for me while I’m still healing.
Yes. He watched his sister terrified, in pain and very nearly slowly bleeding to death in agony all because her selfish man-child of a husband couldn't give a fuck. Honestly I think he's being reasonable, if this had happened to me one of my brother's would probably be in jail now.
I mean I know redditors are quick to say "divorce" but I also can't imagine why you would want this in your life. I'd go NC with your husband and his family tbh, focus on healing and taking care of your newborn, it sounds like your brother and SIL are in your corner.
cancerathena writes:
Your husband wanted to punish you with the paternity test and ignoring your calls. He wanted you to feel bad. He wanted control. He knew the risk of labor at that time.
Instead, he got punished by your brother. That's what he is mad about. That he lost. I don't mind what your brother did because I think your husband's behavior in a near-death situation warranted something extreme.
Based on your post, your man is not a good person. You're a remote-working homebody with no male friends. He gets you to take your brother out of the picture, he has full control to abuse and manipulate you when you are isolated, tired, now have a baby, and have little support. The therapist will be the next to go.
You should go live with your brother, who actually cares about you. Your husband does not. You've gone through major emotional and physical traumas. You deserve better, and so does your daughter. These are her first weeks on earth. Go no contact with your husband and make him earn his way back in.
invominutsrex writes:
I’m sorry, after everything that happened your husband STILL brought up the paternity test after you gave birth?!!!?!?!
You have SO much reason to divorce this guy. What your brother did was pretty horrible but honestly under the circumstances I kind of don’t blame him. Your husband is self centered on the extreme and his selfishness put your life in danger.
Your brother acted badly towards your husband but was there for you in your time of need and has continued to show up for you since then.
Your husband was nowhere to be found and instead of giving you an abject grovelling apology for how he let you down, he’s doubled down on this paternity test bullshit AND is demanding you cut off a loving supportive family member when you’ve just survived a traumatic birth. Who the f does he think he is?
Honestly I wouldn’t listen to shit your MIL says - she raised this asshole, she probably wants you to make up so she doesn’t have to take him back at home.
But after everything that happened I don’t know if it’s worth even trying to forgive him - and he’s certainly not acting like someone who thinks his actions need forgiveness.
Oh and you don’t need to extend empathy to him because he feels guilty - he SHOULD feel guilty! And instead of apologizing for his actions he’s lashing out at his traumatised post partum wife! What an absolute shit.
Congratulations on your daughter, I hope you will treat yourself with the respect you would want her to have in this situation.
annizupulo writes:
The same way you were traumatized, I'd say so was your brother. It wasn't a prank as much as a twisted atempt at a lesson.
Your brother suffered with you and he tried to make your husband feel a bit of that trauma. Not saying he's right, but if anything he was a justifiable asshole.
Your husband wants to cut him off so as to not face the consequences of his actions. Your brother is a constant reminder of how he failed you. His hurt is honestly minimal compared to what you went through. Don't let him gaslit you otherwise.
Don't let your husband take away your support network. He behaved appallingly prior to the birth and continues to make it all about himself.
Honestly, OP I don't know if staying with him right how is what's best for you and baby. You probably have PPD given your comment about bonding with baby and he isn't helping.
Either he supports you and respects your need to have family close or maybe going back to your brother's house is a good viable option. Whatever is better for your mental health and baby.
It's a hard talk but it needs to happen. Your husband wasn't with you when you needed him the most and he had questioned your fidelity before that. Now is not the time, but you will probably need to revisit the relationship...
mysterymeat writes:
OK first of all, your husband sounds like a toxic guy. First he springs a paternity test on you. Then he ignores calls from multiple people during your labor week. This is beyond selfish! And when he finally gets through, he complains that you don't answer his one measly call....
Your brother then gives him a dose of his own medicine. If your husband apologized or showed any remorse, then you might be on the right track. But he's still thinking about how all of this is affecting him.
Does he realize that YOU ALMOST DIED? Has he acknowledged that & how he wasn't there? Did he ever explain why he ignored your calls & how dumb it was? Unless he's expressing guilt or remorse, you have way bigger problems.
He's using your brothers prank to hide behind his toxic behavior. Don't let him. I highly recommend couples therapy. He's got major problems
And now, OP's update:
I can’t update the old post? But since so many people reached out I thought I’d make a new one.
So…I don’t think this will be something we can come back from. I just don’t think I’ll be able to heal with him, because there is no way he didn’t know it was me calling, and he still hasn’t told me why he didn’t answer.
I know I thought I wouldn’t decide right away, but I actually don’t want to forget how terrible it was waiting on him, thinking he couldn’t possibly leave me like that no matter how anger he was.
I took the time to think of that moment before it all went down, and just how grossly betrayed and scared and alone I felt while the contractions were hitting and I was on my knees trying to breath through the pain while waiting on the phone while it rang though.
And I just don’t think there’s any coming back for that. I wouldn’t want my daughter think it’s okay to stay with a man who destroyed her trust that way either.
I will be contacting an attorney, and will be meeting with them in the coming weeks. We had a prenup so it hopefully won’t be to hellish, I hope.
I feel like this situation became even clearer when my friend asked me if I’d still trust him as the one to sign off on my medical papers and the reaction to that idea was visceral. I wouldn’t—and I want him to get off that legality as soon as possible, in fact. There are roommates I had in college would trusted more.
I would have never ignored so many calls from him consecutively unless I had told him expressly that I was unavailable at a specific time, and even then…
I feel good with my brother and Sil here with me, especially so with her being a nurse and having been there through the birth. It’s really helped us bond in a way that we’d never really had time to. I’ve also finally told my old friends about the baby, and they are alternating to come and help me out for the next little while.
None of this even touched the paternity test, but I’ll get it for the proceedings, I guess. So I guess he’ll get what he wanted.
Anyway, I’m safe and well. And my daughter is healthy and happy as a peach and pretty much an angel who is happy to sleep peacefully anywhere and took to the boob with ease. Which is such a blessing since everything still hurts. Just making this decision has taken an odd weight off my shoulders, and my SIL has been really helping us bond.
Anyway thank you for letting me write this out I’m not good at diaries or journals but writing to people feels different and it’s actually brilliant for the clarity of the situation, even my therapist said that I seemed clearer and calmer. (I might try a diary again as she suggested).
Then, OP's legal update:
Some Intro in the case. Popped the paternity test question on me with no reason. We fought, for a couple days, before I went to my brother’s (I was within two weeks of my due date).
Went into labour (at our house) called him 16 times, bother called him 7-9 more. He did not answer. My brother had to pick me up. Had a Traumatic birth, was kept bleeding, was lucky to conscious enough to sign for myself to get a hysterectomy when things went wrong.
Nearly died. He contacted me 10+hours later. Unapologetic. Has mentioned the paternity test against the week+ since. Still has not told me why he didn’t answer.
I will now be going forward with divorcing him, as I no longer trust him as a partner. We do have a pre-nup. Me with my house and my business, and him with money from his family.
I do intend on filing for full custody, as I think his reaction, whether spiteful or not was dangerous and as a father missing calls …23+ in a row could be a life an death situation.
Is it always worth investigating infidelity in divorces, if it’s suspected? And do any divorce lawyers find this all seemingly suspicious in there opinions? I will be contacting my a lawyer this week. (I will likely be getting the paternity test for the divorce.)