Woman's husband leaves her OUT OF NOWHERE; 'After one flirtatious incident?! REALLY?' UPDATED 3X

When this woman is shocked by her husband's decision, she asks the internet:

"My husband just left me because he's been hit on by a woman?"

God, I am so angry at ... I don't know. Everything! right now. And this feels so fd up I don't even want to talk to my bff about this right now, it hurts too much atm :(

My husband just told me he is leaving me and I can't believe the reason. I need to give some background: I am 34F and my husband is 38M. We've been married for almost 2 years, have dated 2 years before that, so overall a bit more than 4 years.

He's always been very insecure about himself, even though he has a great personality (or so I thought), is generous, caring, can express his emotions and all this stuff. When I got to know him better, I couldn't believe he wasn't taken. In fact, he had only been in two relationships in his life (both 5+ years long, though).

He told me that's because he's shy and ugly and women don't really want anything from him, like, ever, especially not good-looking ones. I am fairly conventionally attractive and he has kept telling me for the past years how lucky he feels to finally have found his dream woman and then her being as attractive as me.

I was wary at the beginning, though, so I let him court me quite a bit before going out with him for the first time etc. I really was fearing for some dark secret of his that I just hadn't uncovered yet, plus I don't want to look easy. But turns out no, he's a really sweet guy, and just very shy. I also don't think he's ugly.

He's not in any way super-handsome or so, and frankly, originally I thought he was not my type, but his charm melted all of that away quickly. Once we starting thoroughly dating, things went fast, because it all was so wonderful!

Well, apparently a while ago he was on his own in the outside area of a restaurant having lunch when this woman went by, and apparently struck up a conversation with him.

(He's shown me a picture of her since I asked him, and she is drop-dead gorgeous. Maybe I am exaggerating because I am so mad, but she definitely looks better than me, I have to admit :( )

He didn't tell me much about what they talked, just that she was very friendly, and they exchanged numbers, and started texting more and more often. He says she at some point openly started pursuing him even though she knew he was married, saying she just really fell for him and can't let this opportunity pass.

He said that he was hesitant once he realized that she was hitting on him, and he was also excited because this literally has never happened in his life.

In the past, he repeatedly said that women, at least attractive ones like me, have it easy, because we can lean back and let the guys approach us, whereas for him it was always hard work to even get a single date.

I always replied that it's not really like that and that being attractive has its own problems, but he then always reminded me of the fact that he had to work really hard to get me to date him, too.

He swears he has only met her one more time (for lunch) after the first encounter, and that he thinks it is not yet an affair. However, he thinks he wants to go forward with her, because, as he put it: "This is the first woman who is genuinely interested in me, I didn't have to text her for three months to get a date or anything.

I can't let this pass." (Or something along those lines. My memory is a bit hazy.) The three months refers to the time it took him to get a date with me, btw.

And that is why he says he is breaking up with me. He says it's the right thing to do, because he wants to continue contact with her, but also feels doing that would be emotional cheating and he doesn't want to cheat on my, so he ends it before actually starting something with her.

I feel devastated. I know there's nothing I can do. I want to be mad at him, but I am also mad at myself. I really liked him when we first met - why did I give him a hard time? If I had said what I wanted back then, if I had pursued him instead of playing hard to get, he probably wouldn't be interested in that woman!

But I always felt if a woman does that, she shows she's easy and I didn't just wanna get laid, so I thought I must act that way. And now it is biting me in the butt :( And I of course am very mad at him, but he didn't even cheat on me.

He's behaving exactly the way I always say people should act when they fall in love with someone else! Ugh! I kinda wished he had actually cheated on me with her. That would actually make it easier...

Thanks for letting me rant. I don't need advice, I know I'm fd.

Edit: thisblew up so much! First, thank you all so much for your comments. This is much appreciated.. And also some of you made me really think. I still feel this was unwarranted, and if he was so unhappy he should have told me... but I guess I wasn't as good of a wife as I thought.

I didn't really show him that I love him, and why, and didn't put in much effort, and someone said he was starving for attention and I guess that's my fault in a way. Ugh. Still, I think just dropping me like this isn't right.

I managed to get the courage to talk to my BFF, and we'll meet later so I can tell her everything, and she spontaneously will take me out for a spa weekend. I hope I can get my head clear there.

I was so scared, but she was not at all condescending, she's the best. I feel like I couldn't have mustered up the courage for that were it not for all your support, so thank you all so much, even the critical ones!

Relevant Comments: (OOP had hundreds. I tried to include a spread of her answers)

Commenter: Does he look like he has money? Nice clothes, fancy watch, expensive car etc? Definitely getting some potential gold digger vibes here

OOP: Apparently she has a job and a house. WE don't have a house, we rent... Commenter: That’s just bananas, i thought I was insecure but he takes the cake…Crazy town…feels like you dodged a bullet imagine him pulling this s*** after 10 yrs of marriage and 3 kids in…..

im so sorry but i don’t think there is anything you could have done different to have a different outcome, he will always be insecure and this experience will give him validation for a bit and then he will continue looking for it outside of himself.

OOP: I dunno :( makes me think it's my fault for playing hard to get back then even though I liked him. But, I mean, we're always told it's better to not give your defense up too easily with guys... and not it's biting me in the but.

Commenter: [...] just because it wasn’t physical or even “emotional” (which i think it was no matter what your husband says) he still cheated on you by accepting this woman’s number and going out to eat with her without telling you.

OOP: Yeah, exchanging numbers, that makes me mad. But he said I have guy friends I met at parties or events and he's never complained about that, and that is right. Then again, I never flirted with any of them. I would never do that while I'm in a serious relationship.

OOP clarifies their relationship timeline:

He first started mentioned the 3 months thing after I told him that as soon as he started talking to me back then I fell for him, but intentionally made him wait. Truth be told, I was head over heels for him five minutes after first starting to talk to him.

So he always pulled my leg saying "you made me wait three months even though you knew after five minutes!" I sort of get what he's complaining about there, but then again I think that's what I have to do as a woman to ensure a guy has honest intentions.

Commenter: OP you husbands sounds like the kinda guy that would have called you cheap if you had given in quickly.. you know the kind that are insecure and don’t think they deserve nice things so they nitpick and try to find something wrong with you so you stop being a nice thing

Also a man that uses the phrase “pretty women have it so easy” is such a red flag

OOP: Honestly I don't think so, he rarely calls women cheap, and when he does, you and I would have MUCH worse things to say about that hoe. He is a very strong supporter for equality and the right of women to be se%ually active without them being ridiculed for that.

He once told be he thinks it is so unfair that when guys have a high body count, they get praise, whereas when women do that, they get scorn, he thinks that is hypocritical.

Commenter: That’s just awful…What a dick that guy is. What do you think you’re going to do when he comes crawling back to you? He will.

OOP: Frankly? I don't know. My self respect says to never look at him again, but seriously, he's the love of my life and the best guy I ever dated. That's why I married him after just two years :(

Commenter (part of a longer comment): OP - Your man may be far from perfect, but in your own explanation, you decided to play “games” with his courting of you, and those games came back to haunt you.

OOP: Yes the haunting part is what makes me feel so stupid. I mean, I knew right away he's awesome, but I played hard to get, because... well, because that's what you do to make sure a guy really means it and doesn't just want to get in your pants.

Commenter (part of a very long comment): [...] I'm not saying this is your situation, but given how little you showed interest in him, and made him do all the work to start the relationship, my guess is that the dynamic hasn't changed much, and you still expected the relationship to be mostly one way.

You may not realize that dynamic because of social norms and modem dating expectations. But let me let you in on a secret. Men want to be wanted every single bit as much as women. And it is absolutely unfair to believe that they shouldn't be shown that much love if they are willing to give it. I wish you luck.

OOP: Mh. I guess yeah, I sorta see myself as the prize. But he was always okay with this. I mean, it's not like I don't tell him I love him, or things like that. I guess I could show my affection more, yeah, but. I don't feel like that is necessary, I mean he should know, right? I married him, after all!

Commenter: I'm in no way trying to justify this or say that someone is wrong or right but it really is sad as hell that men, lots of men are so stomped on by society at large that a compliment is enough for one to say "fuck this marriage, someone else wants to treat me better".

OOP: Well. I never really thought about it. I mean. I am used to getting lots of attention and frankly, most of the time it is just annoying. I don't wanna be hit on all the time. But I guess I never thought about how it is when you NEVER had that: I mean, I married him - I thought that must count for something?

Commenter: He just dropped you, his wife, for some chick who asked for his number. I’d say he’s probably the worst guy you’ve ever had the misfortune of dating. Sorry you married such a loser.

OOP: I wish I could see it like that. But you don't know him. I mean. Yeah, in college I would have called him a loser, but back then I was stupid I guess

Commenter: You don't say much about your relationship or anything positive about him other than he has a great personality, is sweet, shy and compliments you. You don't even say that you love him in the original post.

If in a private rant on the internet you can't say you love him or express anything other than "he is a nice guy" it sounds like you feel as if you settled for him. If he is calling you his dream woman all the time and you don't say anything nice in return, well he is going to feel/know that you don't really love him.

OOP: I mean it. I love him. I didn't settle for him. True, his looks aren't my favorite, but frankly, he just... swept me away with his personality. He can be so charming. And he has a dry humor. Have you ever met someone from Germany? They have the best and worst humor at the same time. He always knows how to make me chuckle.

Commenter: You say maybe you should have shown him more attention, but marriage is about communication and finding common ground. He also owes it to you to talk about this, not do what he's doing.

But, like, every word out of this guy's mouth seems to be self pity and whining about how hard things are for him. I am not a fan.

OOP: I mean, I agree, he should have talked to me. But a lot of comments here did open my eyes... God, I was fairly egoistic, really. Took him. For granted, let him court me but didn't reciprocate. It was very one sided and that I am at fault for :(

The only lighter comment:

Commenter: I'm not sure I would be able to believe a great looking woman if she did this to me and I WASN'T married. I'd be afraid she was after my kidney. Or it was a youtube prank.

OOP: Somehow I like the idea of her wanting his kidney.

OOP reflects the next day:

I dunno, I never even thought of this you know? In all relations I had so far it was always like this, the man courted me and I'm...

Well someone asked if I feel like I'm the prize, and yes, frankly, I do, or at least did, and was always given the impression I am... I really thought that like marrying him and telling him I love him is what I as the woman do. I didn't even think men wand compliments or stuff...

Mini Update 1 (3 days later):

If I post this as a comment, will you people see this as an update? I don't know. Anyway, just a short notice: I have texted my husband telling him I wish to meet up with him to talk about this... thing. I've told him I love him and don't understand where this is suddenly coming from, and that I think I deserve to at least have an earnest conversation with me about it. I haven't got any answer yet.

Someone replies:

Commenter: Have you taken anything to heart that anyone who isn't fully bashing your husband has said?

You've emotionally deprived this man. He has felt unappreciated in this marriage with a wife who regularly gives her number to randoms, who doesn't think she has to do anything nice for him because that's the "man's job", and who doesn't tell him that he's handsome or that she's attracted to him because she's "honest".

If you still don't understand how you've been damaging and driving your husband away, then there's no point in talking to him about this "thing", as you put it.

He's not gonna come crawling back to you after you've made him feel unwanted for who knows how long.

OP: I have taken it to heart. Which is why I want to talk to him. He never expressed these things to me.

Mini Update 2 (2 days later):

Just as a quick update: My husband has finally replied, and agreed to meet with me today in the afternoon. I thought it was better to choose a public place, so we'll meet at a café in town. I am scared.

Update 3:

A couple days ago, I posted in /r /TrueOffMyChest about my husband suddenly leaving me because of, well, having experienced for the first time that a woman actually showed active interest in him. Since links are not allowed in this subreddit, please check my profile for my post history.

Yesterday, my husband and I met for the first time since he up and left last Friday. And frankly, after the meetup, I was very shaken, so it took me until today to be able to write about this.

Since so many people have reached out to me with helpful comments and all, I think you deserve an update, but I really wasn't up to it yesterday. Also, this is really long, so sorry in advance, there's just so much to cope with...

So here we go: The situation felt very awkward, and I got the impression the whole time that he genuinely feels sorry for how things were and that what he is doing hurts me. I know many of you said he's a douche, a cheater and whatnot, and I really really understand you and are mad at him myself... but on the other hand, you all do not know him like I do.

He's a very honest person, he despises lying (and is really bad at this), he carries his heart on his tongue and I know him well enough to sense his feelings. Did that help me? Not much.

Now, even if I wished, I couldn't paraphrase our talk, and I am sure I will miss certain things, and overall, it was a mixture of him telling and me asking questions, and all is a big flurry in my head, so I'll just summarize I guess?

First he told me that he really really loved me, and he still does, but he feels that his feelings for the new woman are stronger. He told me her name, let's call her Jasmin (not her real name). He admits Jasmin is gorgeous, but claims that that on its own was in no ways relevant for his decision. (Yeah, right!)

He told me that she originally approached him because of a book he was reading during lunch. Supposedly, the book's author is her uncle, and she was able to tell my husband some funny stories about the time her uncle drafted that book.

He says he and Jasmin have very similar interests (Jasmin also reads sci-fi as he does, because of said uncle who is a sci-fi author), and both like gaming and stuff. He says after they exchanged numbers, they initially only wrote about stuff like that, and later on they talked about other hobbies and interests and found "more and more and more common ground" as he put it.

He also admitted that like two weeks or so ago he started to wonder if he should actively tell me about her, seeing how she turned from an acquaintance to what he deems a friend.

I interjected that they don't know each other long enough to consider her a friend, but he says he feels Jasmin is really genuine with him. (This is a man who cannot pick up social clues unless they are spelled out for him, but whatever.)

He also feels a lot more in tune with Jasmin than he does with me. Admittedly, we seem to have less common interests, but I never felt like I have to be exactly like my partner; opposites can complement each other well, and I always felt we do. Well, looks like he feels much happier with someone catering to his interests a lot more.

He also became a bit self-critical then. He says after he left for his friend's place, he sat down and re-read his conversation history with Jasmin, and he realized that she had indeed been flirting with him before she told him she wanted more. It didn't start out flirtatious, but he admits he totally missed that.

He opened up the app on his phone and showed me the beginning and then when she started flirting. He might have tuned the messages, but at least the beginnings really ready friendly. The flirtatious parts however where blatantly obvious in my eyes, but...

He actually blames himself for that and says that while that doesn't change his feelings for her, it means he should have noticed this earlier and, well, he said, "make the decision to pursue her earlier".

That sort of broke me and I started sobbing, because it sounds as if I never had a chance compared to Jasmin :( He even wanted to console me, and I allowed that for a couple minutes, but then I sought some distance again. It both felt good and bad to be in his arms :(

Then it was time to ask me why she is so attractive to him that he leaves me, his wife, for just the mere possibility of being with another woman. I mentioned that someone (I didn't say Reddit) suggested she might be a scam, or just interested in breaking up marriages and going after men who are taken, and such. He (of course) vehemently denied that.

Supposedly, they met last Sunday to go out for dinner, and they talked about the fact that she approached him even though he is married, and she claims to have a really bad conscience about this, and that she never would have done it, had she not felt such a deep connection between them bla bla bla. I must admit I really struggled through that part.. because if it is true, it hurts me, and if it isn't, it hurts even more that he falls for bs :(

He then told me in excruciating detail about his dating life, and how long he was a virgin, and how he was always treated by girls back in middle school and high school, and by the women in college and later on, how he really feels that he always has to be the one initiating,

fighting even for a chance, and felt like he was always treated as unworthy by almost all women, and how that made him bitter (he admitted that) but also how he always thought that someone who truly fits him, fits his personality, his character, his being, would be someone who would not make him jump through hoops, someone who'd outright tell him she is intrigued by him and wants him.

He says he loves me dearly and was always very grateful for being with me, but that even with me he always felt somewhere between a beggar and the subject of a pity party, where I bestowed the grace of my companionship onto him instead of actually liking and wanting him.

When I asked him whether that means he settled for me, he vehemently denied that. He said when we started to date, I really treated him better than any woman had done before so he really thought this was what he had been looking for and before meeting Jasmin he never felt like he needed more.

I of course tried to tell him that he I am not with him out of pity our anything and explained why I made him wait three months, and why I think the man should court the woman and so forth, and then I also admitted that I might not have given him the appreciation he deserved.

This time, it actually was his turn to drop tears for a bit. He said hearing that made him both grateful - and unhappy that he never really communicated better about this. I told him that hearing him say that feels like he is putting the blame on me.

And I swear to God, his eyes like doubled their size, and he looked genuinely shocked, and he apologized many times and said he did not want me to think he actually has any bad feelings about having to wait back then and that this is a situation where no one is to blame, but especially not me.

He said I have been a wonderful wife and all, but that with Jasmin, it just feels different, and like a deeper connection that the two of us have, and that while he thought that I was wonderful, he now realizes that what he really was looking for in life what something else.

So he says reconciliation is not really an option because he realized that we're not right for each other, and even if it doesn't work out with Jasmin, he knows now that he actually needs something that I just not am. I mentioned marriage counseling, and he said that it's not like our marriage has issues, but that the issue is that we're just not right for each other.

There were more things we said, and maybe I'll add some later, but right now I am too mentally exhausted. Especially because I still don't feel like I can hate him, because he felt so freaking honest, I think he at least truly believes all the things he said, but that woman still might be a total liar or a scam. He at least promised to be careful with her financial-wise but he assured me she's not that...

I don't know what to make with any of this. It hurts. I guess my marriage is over :(

Relevant Comments: Your soon to be ex and his side piece suck. Instead of just walking out of the marriage, he should have talked to you in order to see if you could work things out. He’s a coward for just leaving at the first sign of a woman showing interest.

The side piece sucks because she knowingly flirted with a married man and pushed a relationship. Their relationship, if it gets that far, will probably implode. Hopefully, you’ll be on to a much better relationship.

OOP: I'm so torn :( On the one hand, I feel like you say - if he had talked to me, I would have given him more attention and ackowledgement, I think.

Commenter: "I think" lol.Should've been doing that anyways, him being your spouse and all.

OOP: You're right.

Commenter: Here’s the thing though- how can he know in a few weeks if it’s a real connection or he’s just likes the ego boost?

OOP: I know! But then again... wouldn't indulging in it for months without telling me be cheating? Because he hates cheaters and has sworn to never become one himself...

Commenter: How in the hell can he say that no one is to blame? He’s leaving you for another woman, he is absolutely to blame.

OOP: Well, he says he just realized we're not meant to be together since we don't "fit". And I mean, I've had had relationships where I realized we actually didn't click, and well, then you split up. That's what he thinks is the case here. Just doesn't feel like it to me, but then again, I don't have a new guy already :(

Commenter: I find it incredibly hard to believe that no one ever have him attention right out the gate so much and no one he ever found attractive gave him attention right out the gate.

OOP: I dunno how to put this? He's... not very physically attractive, and he is... very insecure, and rather nerdy, and shut-off. Unless he's lawyering, which is the only thing he feels he is actually good at.

(Even though he is good at so many things!) And when he was younger, he wasn't just chubby, he was outright fat. And always hated himself for it, and all. I do believe him when he says that, and actually his sister has told me a couple times how he always was miserable when he was younger because of this...

Se% life:

OOP: You're wrong on the sec life, it was good and plenty. And uhm I do desire him physically... Just his looks aren't exactly a turn-on, but uhm, certain parts of his body definitely are.

Commenter: Not to defend what this guy has done, but he may not have noticed when women flirted with him in the past. This is just the first time he figured someone was flirting with him. There are a lot of details that make me wonder about autism/neurodivergence here.

OOP: Yeah I think so too, even though I think it will have been rare anyway. But yeah, he's so smart, but totally dense that way. I think that is why "Jasmin" switched from flirting to full-on telling him that she wants him... because he didn't pick up on it.

Therapy:

Yeah my BFF also recommended therapy. She gave me the number of a therapist that has helped her sister in the past, I'm giving her a call later, I think I really need this :(

One last thought from OOP:

Commenter: You sound so much smarter, mature and non-bitter compared to the average visitor to this subreddit. Please don't take any advice from here. It's a cesspool of bitter people you would like to have contact with in real life.

OOP: Oh I definitely do not feel smart.