Woman tells husband 'no' at workplace, 'you're EMBARRASSING.' AITA? 'He blamed me.'

"AITA for telling my husband 'no' at our workplace?"

Me (23F) and my husband (27M) have been married for two years, no kids. We both work at a high-stress luxury hotel/restaurant, but in different departments. He smokes grass daily, and I don’t. I vape, and he’s recently said he’s trying to quit nicotine, but continues to smoke weed multiple times a day.

Lately, he’s been on a strict “health journey” after getting genetic results warning of potential Type 2 diabetes and kidney issues. He cut out sugar, carbs, salt, dyes, basically everything he used to enjoy. I’ve made it clear I’m not ready to quit vaping yet, and that’s a personal choice I stand by.

Although he claims to be quitting, he still asks to hit my vape--something I’ve generally been okay with. However, I’ve set a boundary: don’t ask for it at work. I’ve explained multiple times that I’m busy and don’t want to stop what I’m doing to dig in my pockets or track him down later to get it back. I pay for my vapes, and while we’re married, I believe my personal belongings and boundaries still matter.

Today at work, he came up and asked if he could take my vape to the bathroom. I calmly told him, “No, but you can hit it here.” He insisted, again with annoyance in his tone. I repeated myself, firmer this time “No, you can hit it here, I don’t want you walking off with it.” A third time, more demanding now, and I said, slightly irritated, “Honey, I said no.”

He immediately snapped “You’re embarrassing," and stormed off in front of coworkers. I was humiliated. Later, when I got in the car after clocking out, he was waiting for me and went off accusing me of disrespecting him in public, talking down to him, and being selfish for setting a boundary around my vape. I told him again: I didn’t disrespect him, I just said no and I deserve to have my boundaries respected.

He said my boundary didn’t count because we’re married, and I was being stingy “with my own husband.” He blamed me for his nicotine problem (despite being older than me and choosing to vape on his own), then said he hates me, I’ll age ugly, and he’s “done with me” until I quit but yet refuses to quit the tree.

He hasn’t spoken to me since and is avoiding me in our home. So AITA for standing firm on a personal boundary? Or was I supposed to just submit because I’m his spouse?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

LetsGoChowder said:

NTA. But why are you still with him? "Your boundaries don't count because we're married????" What in the cinnamon toast f?

Prize-Telephone3615 said:

NTA. The truly “embarrassing” thing here is the way he reacted to being told no. He is “done with you” until YOU quit? YOU aren’t the one who blew up at their spouse for not getting their nicotine fix when they wanted it. He reacted poorly in the moment, doubled down when alone in the car with you, and continued to act like a child in your home after all was said and done.

He needs a reality check and if I were you, I wouldn’t be able to move forward until I got a genuine apology from him. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that, imo, and I hope he doesn’t behave like this in other areas of your life (though I’m not hopeful about that). Stay safe.

sluttykittten said:

Why are you married to someone who's bitching at you because you said no (didn't even really say no, you just asked if he could stay) for a hit of a VAPE?! OP your husband doesn't respect your boundaries, DISRESPECTS YOU blatantly while throwing insults at you, and is throwing "fits" over not being able to use a vape in the bathroom. He never left middle school. NTA!

Special_Compote_719 said:

He said your boundary doesn't count because you're married? wtf? What if he said that to you about access to your finances or your body? Personally I would consider divorce. That's a dangerous mindset he doesn't seem interested in outgrowing. NTA.

CPSue said:

The minute your partner tells you he hates you and that you’re going to be ugly at some point when he doesn’t get his own way is the minute you have definitive proof your partner neither loves nor respects you. NTA.

Ok_Dealer_9498 said:

NTA. I know you made the personal choice to keep doing it but since he decided to go on this journey to quit, I think you should cut him off from your vape completely. If he keeps talking to you that way or acts aggressive for you trying to support him, you may need to analyze the relationship.