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Woman's husband's true colors come out when SIL has allergy attack, 'Is this all my fault?!' AITA? UPDATED

Woman's husband's true colors come out when SIL has allergy attack, 'Is this all my fault?!' AITA? UPDATED

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When this woman is shocked by her SIL and husband's behavior in reaction to SIL's allergy, she asks the internet:

"AITA for not knowing about my SIL's allergy and my husband's reaction in front of his family?"

My husband 36M and I 30F have been married for 6 years. We have two kids (4F/2M). I'm a SAHM now. We didn't discuss this before marriage but when I gave birth to our daughter I just couldn't manage working. taking care of our daughter. and doing all the house chores.

There were times when I needed help at home but I felt like I couldn't ask for help because I wasn't bringing in any money. It was also very difficult for me to be financially dependent on my husband. I never asked for anything for "me" because he sometimes voiced how he felt a lot of pressure as the sole provider.

Fast forward to 3 days ago. His younger sister lives in another country and comes to town once or twice a year. last week she told him she would visit. My husband and I invited the family for dinner.

We were all having a good time when my SIL started coughing and had trouble breathing. It was then I knew she was horribly allergic to peanuts (I later knew that she had gone into anaphylactic shock a few times before).

We all rushed to her side to help. I then got slapped on the face from behind (not so hard but it did sting) I was facing away from my husband so I didn't see it coming. I tried to explain that no one told me before (I had only seen her a few times after the wedding and never cooked for her).

He was yelling at me the whole time I was trying to explain myself. When I told him that he knew I would be doing all the cooking for tonight then why didn't think of telling me about it.

He then pushed me. His family rushed to us and stopped him. They checked if I was okay for a minute then went back to my SIL's side. His older brother stayed by my side to ensure I was okay and to see if I needed anything. After a few minutes my husband came back to the living room and acted like nothing happened.

My BIL asked him if he had told me about their sister's allergy before and he didn't answer. I told him I never knew about it until now. My in-laws checked on me one more time and then excused themselves. Only his older brother stayed with us.

He asked me if it was the first time my husband laid his hands on me. I couldn't answer with my husband sitting across from us. He suggested we take some time to process and think about what just happened.

I left that night with my BIL and took my kids with me. I'm still with him and his wife (my family lives in another country). both my BIL and his wife suggest I stay until my husband realizes what he really did.

My husband did apologize but said he panicked and was scared for his little sister (they are very close and growing up he was like a father to her)

He kept repeating that if I cared enough about his family I would have asked him if anyone has any allergies since I was the one cooking for the night and he blamed me for his brother reaction.

I don't know where to go from here. I have no relatives in here to stay with until I sort everything out. I only have one friend and can't stay with her.

I grew up in a house where being grabbed by the face or arm was normal. But what happened that night was a little too much. I want my kids and I don't want to lose them over my decision.

My husband suggested couples therapy yesterday. I'm thinking about getting a divorce or should I just let it slide and start therapy? I really have to think about it all because I know my family won't support me with my decision and I will be on my own.

Edit: My sister in law is okay. She's not angry with me for what happened. She even texted twice to check on me and the kids and apologized for not mentioning her allergy before (his family has always been good to me). Also my husband had not ever done something like this before.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

greaaa^^ writes:

NTA. The fact that BIL is taking your side should tell you that you need to leave your husband. You will need to start preparing for single life. He was abusive before by putting so much pressure on you that you had to quit your job. He has slowly been escalating it and now it’s come to this. It’s not going to get better. You need to be strategic if you want to leave.

wayywhi writes:

Your husband has displayed classic DARVO tactics, deny, attack, reverse victim offender.

I could be really cynical and wonder if OP's husband deliberately withheld the information about his sister's peanut allergy, as this is the sort of sick stunt a practised abuser would carry out.

It is certainly clear that OP's husband has assaulted her before, as she felt silenced by his presence when BIL was asking. OP you have some really tough decisions to make, and if making a police report would help, then that would start a paper trail. Certainly look up the resources available to you locally for domestic abuse.

With help, you might be looking at the husband only getting supervised access. Unfortunately, OP's upbringing seems the precursor to her marriage. Whatever you do, avoid minimising the assault, as it happened whilst your SIL was seriously ill, and it took several people to get him off you.

This will only get worse over time, not better. There is also a strong possibility that your in laws are aware of his behaviour, as you are likely not the first woman he has bullied.

leadgin@ writes:

You grew up in a house where abuse was normalized. Think about how that affected you. And then think about how it’s gonna affect your children if you choose to stay. Think about their feature.

Put that little girl in your place and imagine your daughter’s husband hitting her and abusing her and humiliating her. Is that the kind of future you want for your children? Do you want your daughter and son to grow up seeing abuse normalized like that, modeling that kind of behavior in their relationships?

And sure today maybe it’s you and you can take it for the sake of “keeping the family together”. But what if tomorrow he decides to lay hands on your children? Is that the risk you’re willing to take?

forgetregr writes:

The first time a man puts his hands on a woman in anger has to be the last time. It cannot be allowed to continue, there is no excuse worth anything to justify violence. I’m not saying OP’s husband is beyond help, it may be possible for him to change, but for the foreseeable future, he cannot be trusted to control himself.

His actions proved that. But I’m much more concerned that this isn’t the first time, since OP couldn’t immediately say no when asked if it had happened before. This is the definition of abuse. It’s not a one time occurrence. He’s violent. OP please protect yourself and your children at all costs.

His family seems to understand that he’s completely in the wrong here. It was his responsibility to tell you about family allergies and his responsibility to act like a man and control himself.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through and I know it’s not a simple matter to walk away but I don’t see another option for you. I hope his family will step up in your defense and support and that you find your way to a safe, healthy new life. NTA obviously.

hatesaoninn writes:

NTA. Your BIL has seen the alarming behavior and intervened for your safety. For the love of all that is good, take his help. Ask for more. Get yourself situated and safe because that is NOT a normal reaction. You don’t smack and hit your spouse over something like this.

As others have caught on and you admitted, this isn’t the first time he laid hands on you. And he’s no problem doing it in front of his family.

Do you want your children to see you beaten and bruised black and blue before you realize you need to get out?

Try therapy if you want, you know your relationship better than strangers on the internet but understand that this isn’t going to improve if he’s escalating. Because this isn’t solely a couple problem.

This is a HIM problem. He has anger issues and he’s physically violent with you. What do you think he’s going to do to your child when he’s upset and you’re not in the room? Rely on the family who see the alarming behavior to help you get yourself some financial stability and don’t let yourself be abused.

And now, OP's major update:

Most of you suggested I stay with my brother in law. I couldn't bring myself to ask him for help (if I can stay with them until I sort everything out). Last night he asked me if it's okay to talk about it now.

I told him some things because I couldn't lay it all out. I told him that it wasn't the first time and nothing was new to me that night except for the slap. I asked him if he can help me find a safe way out because I'm scared to go back and need help looking up for resources.

Both him and his wife assured me that my kids and I are more than welcome to stay with them until I get back on my feet. They made it clear that they're willing to help us in any way possible.

BIL said I have the right to decide what to do about it that he could even drive me to report my husband if that's what I want but just don't get him involved. I get it. I thanked them for everything and promised them to try and find a job asap.

He also mentioned that my MIL offered to pay 3 months' rent and childcare if I’m planning to leave but he thinks it’s better for me to stay with them for now and promised he will make sure my MIL follows through once I find a job because it will be more helpful then since it will be hard taking care of the kids and working.

He told me to never feel like I owe them something because I would've done the same for them (I met my husband through my BIL when I worked with him for 6 month) and that he doesn't want my children to grow up wondering why no one loved them enough to step up and help their mother.

Or end up abused or being abusers in the future. His words made wonder If he referred to his own brother as an abuser then why am I still trying to look for ways to justify it or accept the blame.

Although I'm not planning to get the police involved but my BIL's wife is helping me document everything. She took pictures of the marks the moment we made it to their house.

She's also helping me get him to admit to everything that happened that night and before. to this moment I have two texts and one recorded call (along with other pictures I took before).

I don't know why I ever took them because I never planned on doing anything. She said even if I'm not planning to press charges now I could document everything just in case for later and citing safety would be enough reason for my delay.

As for my family I called my parents this morning and they weren't happy with what I told them. It's nothing I didn't expect. I knew they would not take a divorced daughter with two kids in.

My cousin called me later and was so sad to hear about my situation and promised to send me some money to help. I'm not gonna lie. I never asked for help before but when she offered I found myself ready to accept. I really want to make things work for my kids. I don't want to lose them.

By the way both my BIL and his wife on top of letting me stay with them without any financial contribution. They do things. if I cook my BIL or his wife do the dishes (they both work and share the chores) yesterday I only did the laundry and some cleaning around the house and they insisted I do nothing for dinner.

While I'm glad to have some time to rest throughout the day. I can't shake the feeling that I should do more since I'm not paying for anything.

I also want to mention that I'm planning to see a lawyer this week to understand my options and start the divorce process. I'm hoping this will help me take the right steps to ensure the safety and well being of my kids. I'm also planning to start looking for a job this week but I need to get my documents first.

I'm beyond thankful for everything my in laws doing for me but I'm still scared and I don't know what I'm even scared of precisely now that I decided I won't go back to him. But yesterday I couldn't close my eyes and get some sleep.

Whenever I close them I imagine my kids getting hurt. And if I'm being honest I still feel like at some point I will mess everything up but I hope I don't. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and all the advice you gave me.

I'm sorry I just realized I've been referring to him as "my husband" instead of "soon to be ex-husband" I'm still adjusting.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for her?

Sources: Reddit
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