Woman ignores husband on 4th of July and visits son instead; 'Am I supposed to IGNORE his history of financial abuse?!' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this woman offends her husband by ignoring him on July 4th, he asks the internet:

"AITA for ignoring my husband and visiting my son on the 4th of July?"

I (40F) have been married to my now-husband Joe for 15 years. I have a son, Matt (22), from my previous relationship with Jake. Right after I graduated high school, I moved into Jake's house.

He passed away three years later from cancer. Two years after that, I met Joe, and we got married a year later. Joe moved into my house, which was owned by my deceased husband.

When my son turned 18, Joe apparently told Matt that he had to pay $500 a month for rent and utilities. Matt told him that he actually owned the house we live in and, because he wanted to be vindictive, said Joe could pay $1000 a month to him or get out.

My husband didn't believe him, but I confirmed that this was Matt's house and we couldn't force him to do anything. Rent didn't matter to Matt because his dad left him a fortune to cover expenses for the rest of his life.

I really wish Joe had talked to me about this before saying anything because we have three other sons. I'm a middle school teacher, and my husband works in a factory, so our combined income is only $75,000.

Here, everyone has their own room, with a huge backyard and pool. We could never afford to own or rent a place like this otherwise. My husband was shocked and tried to apologize, but my son didn't accept it and insisted he had to pay or leave.

The most we could afford was a two-bedroom apartment in a bad neighborhood. I told Joe that uprooting our kids from a good school district and their friends because of his mistake wasn't an option.

A month passed, and my husband hadn't paid his rent. When my son asked for it, my husband laughed and said he wasn't paying. My son gave him an eviction notice.

My husband suggested we go to his parents' house, but I refused and said either he pays or he goes by himself. He paid and has continued to pay since then. However, my husband refuses to talk to Matt. Other than that, everything in the house is perfect.

My ex also left my son a lake house in Florida. My son graduated college and wanted to take all of us on vacation to celebrate before he starts law school.

My husband was excited, but my son quoted him $800. He explained that a grown man shouldn't be taking a handout. Joe stormed off. This morning, the five of us plus Matt's girlfriend were headed out the door.

Joe yelled at me and couldn't believe I was going. I told him I'm not going to let me and the kids suffer for a mistake he made trying to be macho.

I left, and my husband sent me a text message saying he was disappointed in me for siding with my son instead of him and for turning the kids against him. AITA?

I did leave a few things out after reading the replies I thought to add some things. I technically never married my ex, he was 50 when we had our son so he had a really good job and a few properties.

I never told Joe I that didn't own the house because he would have never agreed to staying in a house that my ex owned. So I handled all finances, Joe would just pay me his portion of utilities and bills.

A lot you guys are saying that I didn't handle the situation but I believe I handled it to the best of my ability.

When the situation first happened I told Joe I really love him and would love to remain a family with a decent quality of life, but if he couldn't remain in this household I would agree to a divorce him.

He begged me to not divorce and said that he'll just pay my son the money. I thought that was the best way to handle the situation. Also our finances our separate.

So it's not taking away from me or the kids, but Joe doesn't really have money for his hobbies and interests which was a problem for a while until he learned to just get over it. This all just feels financially abusive. Am I supposed to just IGNORE THAT?

Before we give you OP's 2 updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

festi6 writes:

NTA. Your husband didn’t make a “mistake.” He is a greedy asshole who tried to take money from your son for “rent” of a property he didn’t own. Even if Matt didn’t own the property and you did. It still wouldn’t have been his call. It would be 100% your call.

Your son is a hero. Your AH, freeloading husband is now living the find out stage. He could have continued to happily freeload if he wasn’t such a shady b@stard. Tell your son that he is significant undercharging your husband on rent.

lovebeingat writes:

ESH except the son and younger kids. I really have to wonder what your eldest son had to put up with while he was growing up?

Your husband knew it wasn’t his house, knew he wasn’t paying rent, and knew he was not your sons father I’m kind of at a loss as to why he thought it was ok to make that kind of demand without talking to his stepsons parent?

My guess is he saw a way to make $500 extra dollars and was counting on you not finding out and/or just bullying you into accepting it. Super icky.

gracelandroc writes:

I think you're to blame for this mess, OP. You should have made your financial situation very clear to Joe before he moved in. You should also have made it clear to Joe that parenting Matt was not expected from him. Instead, you hid things from Joe and didn't set your expectations straight.

Joe may not have wanted to move into Matt's house, given that he was okay to move out when he found out. Or he might have decided he wanted a smaller family. If you had given Joe all the info and set your expectations straight, Joe and Matt might have gotten along better.

You laid the foundation for their rocky relationship, and Joe poured the concrete. Matt is now building a mansion on it.

I'd say ESH. You're responsible for setting up this mess, Joe contributed majorly, and Matt is continuing the feud unnecessarily despite an apology from his step dad.

His siblings are going to have to pick and choose who they share experiences with, and with his money, Matt is the obvious choice. What are you doing to mend fences? Even now it seems like you're taking the path of least resistance, under the pretext of supporting your son.

yaazzh writes:

Your story sounds as if you're leaving a lot of things out. From your story, you were pregnant and living with your first husband straight out of high school.

He left your son a big house with a pool etc, a lake house in Florida and a fortune to cover expenses for the rest of his life - but not enough to you for you to ever afford to buy a house of your own.

You must have had enough dealings with his lawyer about his will that you would be very clear on the financial situation - there must have been arrangements about how the expenses of the house would be paid while your son was a minor. How, after all that...

you could actually bring a new husband into the house and not tell him anything about these finances seems quite unbelievable. If you haven't left anything out, YTA for never telling your present husband that the house has never been yours.

prudent6 writes:

NTA. Divorce Joe. He’s a manipulating ass who thinks he controls told you. I hate when parents financially abuse their blood children AND their step children. He wanted to charge your son rent, never discussed this with you. What was he going to do with the money? Keep it for himself!! Get rid of him.

shadlowash writes:

ESH but I do think Joe should divorce you and get out of there. If he’s not able to have money for himself and is getting left alone during holidays because he can’t pay after four years of this, he needs to be somewhere he’s actually cared about and financially stable.

eggplantguru writes:

I think you and Joe should consider the $1000 rent and ahole tax. Joe is in the wrong and his pride is in his way.

He needs to self reflect and figure out exactly why he decided, without consulting you his large net and mother of said son, to start charging her child rent w/o a discussion.

What exactly was his motivation and what did he plan on doing w the money? Was he going to charge each of his bio kids rent when they turn 18 or just the step kid?

If Jere can’t be sincere remorseful for his actions and humble himself to apologize then you have choices. Pay the rent/ahole tax and condiser it cheap and well worth it. Technically you should have been paying rent once the others moved in to go to your son’s account as it was his house.

Free for you to live but why shouldn’t he pay rent? And now that son is an adult? He deserves rent. I strongly urge you to get a lease in writing or a rptenant agreement and formalize this before your idiot husband gets you homeless. Joe is tha ahole and so is OP.

And now, OP's 1st update:

So I took your advice to try to solve this situation. I asked Matt why Joe paying rent is necessary. Matt told me it isn't and that he hasn't touched the money Joe gave him. It's in a bank account.

I asked him why is he doing this then. Matt told me Joe has never apologized for demanding rent money to begin with. I was confused and said Joe told me he apologized. Matt explained he never got an apology and when he does Joe can stop paying rent and get the money back.

I called Joe and asked why he's never apologized to Matt. And he was honest with his answer and said because Matt disrespected him in his house. And he should be the man of the house and have authority. But was embarrassed when he found out about the house because he realized that Matt was actually in control of him.

I asked what was his full intentions when he asked Matt to pay rent. Joe said it was to help lessen the bills. Joe only makes 2500 a month and 500 went bills another 500 went to the kids and another 250 on groceries.

He also helps his parents out. He had nothing at the end of the month for his personal expenses and this 1000 a month definitely did not help.

He thought about apologizing but he said his ego wouldn't let him. Joe said he loves Matt but doesn't think he could ever forgive him. I told him he started this mess and honestly if he thought I owned the house it wasn't his place to charge my son rent.

He just hung up the phone. So that's where we stand. I don't know what to do now.

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

Parents expect rent from adult children all the time. It helps teach them responsibility.

OP Responds:

Ummm. No. That is not good. Unless your child is failing in life there is no reason to charge your child rent. If you charge your child rent as soon as they turn 18 you never seen your kids as your children, but as burden’s.

There are so many other ways to teach your child responsibility that doesn’t involve taking money from them. If you expect rent from your child who’s trying to better their life, you are not a good parent.

Another comment:

But it’s okay for your son to exhort money from his step dad. Your son views your husband as a burden. And you want to live comfy instead of being with your husband and father of three of your children. Your getting with a man 32 or so years older than yourself when you’re fresh out of high school tells a lot about what type of person you are.

OP Responds:

My son did not choose to be my son. I choose to be his mom and Joe definitely chose to be his stepdad. It’s not extortion if he’s just paying half the typical rent around the neighborhood.

Why would I leave out my other child if I have the chance to be with all four. I hope you don’t have kids and definitely don’t become a step parent.

Update 2 (12 days later):

When we got home Joe's parents were there. Me, Matt, Joe and his parents had a talk. They asked me how can I let Matt treat him this way and that a wife should back her husband up.

Before I could talk, Matt said and a Man who marries a mother should treat her kids like his own but he hasn't been doing that for the past 15 years. I asked Matt what is he talking about.

He said everytime I went on one of my teacher conferences or went on vacation, Joe would leave him at home by himself and take the other boys out to do something fun. He always disguised it as it was kid stuff and I wouldn't like it, but tell you I didn't want to go.

At 18 he actually planned on moving out but Covid happened so he just decided to stay. I asked Joe if it was true and he looked at me and said yea, he shouldn't have to take care of someone else's kid.

His parents looked disgusted and his Dad just went off on him and said he didn't raise him like this. I yelled at him and told him to get the f out. He pleaded that he was sorry and that he realized that he was wrong with how he felt.

His dad told him to leave and when my husband tried to get in their car to go home with them, they said absolutely not and that he was on his own.

He tried going to his brothers house but when he heard the full story he said no because he has kids and would be upset if their stepmom treated them horribly.

From what I heard he's staying with a friend. I had divorce papers given to him at his job. He texted me and asked if we can meet.

We met at a cafe, and he said he was really sorry and has been for a long time. And that he never meant to hurt me or Matt but that he said it was hard to love another man's child.

I just left. He's filed the papers so I guess our divorce is about to start. I apologized to Matt for being a bad mom. He's fine, and our oldest son heard the conversation and doesn't want anything to do with his dad, the youngest 2 still spends time with him.