Sleep hygiene is so important. When this woman is upset with her partner's sleep apnea, weight and snoring, she asks Reddit:
First of all, yes he’s been evaluated for sleep apnea and no he does not have it. But I have pretty chronic insomnia, which thousands of dollars in specialist visits, sleep studies, and meticulous sleep hygiene have not been able to alleviate.
I’ve been told that at this point there’s nothing left to do, and I basically have to learn to live with it. In an average month I’ll get about two weeks of “normal” sleep, in which I get 4-6 hours, and two weeks of “disrupted” sleep, in which I get maybe one hour every other night.
\When I’m in a period of disrupted sleep, I DO offer to go lay on the couch so as to disturb him less, but he says he’d rather share a bed with me thrashing around like a cat in a bathtub than sleep separately knowing there’s no way I can sleep on the couch.
However, my periods of disrupted sleep are easily twice as frequent now that we live together and share a bed every night, and lately I’ve become really resentful of the fact that his snoring keeps me up A LOT, especially as sleep apnea and sinus issues have been ruled out, leaving only the fact that he is at least 40 lbs overweight as the cause.
It’s not like he’s morbidly obese, so his weight is NONE of my business, but since we are both 5’7” I know that being well over 200 lbs is kind of a lot, even for a man. I’ve tried to gently address it by upping my exercise to some form (cardio or yoga) every day and encouraging him to join, cooking vegan 3-4 nights a week, making a healthy lunch every day, and never snacking or having sweets around him. But zero change.
That has come to bother me as we have an unrelated but recurring argument about how he feels I’m not putting in enough of the right kind of effort in life, which is inherently true as I have ADHD.
\But as I do 90% of the chores and household management, pay 60% of the expenses, make six figures with only a liberal arts degree, and take meticulous care of my health/body, it makes me increasingly angry to be lectured about being lazy by a guy who is by his own admission lugging around a beer gut that weighs the equivalent of a well-fed toddler.
Personally I’m very sensitive about my weight, so I’ve made an effort not to tell him how angry that makes me, as I know addressing someone’s weight for any reason other than severe health issues is hurtful and wrong. But even though I wear really good earplugs to bed, his snoring is so loud that it literally vibrates the mattress!
Would I be out of line for communicating to him that being called lazy by a fat guy pisses me off, and/or that his excess weight is directly contributing to my serious sleep issues?
Obviously I would never use the word fat, to be clear. But I almost snapped this morning after he kept me up all night and then told me I’m “not focusing hard enough” on fixing my insomnia.
Mentioning his weight at all feels so off-limits, especially since wrapped up in it is my own totally unrelated frustration about him believing I’m the lazy one. WIBTA?
YTA…I totally understand your frustration, but you would basically be offering the same kind of unconstructive criticism you’re so frustrated about receiving.
I do think this situation is crying out for some honesty, but about how much you’re hurt by the fact he’s blaming your disease on you rather than showing empathy. I agree with other post that therapy is a great idea.
Also, I’m a happily married person who will put in a plug for sleeping separately if together isn’t working. You can think of it as prioritizing the quality of your intimacy when you’re awake rather than sacrificing the day for a few hours of being conked out next to each other.
NTA for not being able to communicate better than this and dragging every possible issue into this debate. Needing to sleep separately sometimes could pretty obviously be solved by buying another bed or a comfortable couch.
The fact that you're instead arguing about weight and laziness and whether you're 'focusing hard enough' on fixing your insomnia and whether his being fat makes him wrong to criticize you suggests that couples therapy would be a good plan.
NTA and, handled properly, weight is not a topic that is off-limits for domestic partners. Especially if it is contributing to your insomnia. It is no different than pointing out that someone would cough less if they quit smoking.
I spent years putting up with something similar, and I missed a good bit of my kids' younger years because I was in a fog all the time. It is not worth it. Find a way to sleep separately. You deserve to get a good night's rest.
YTA. You claim you're sensitive about YOUR weight but think it's ok to be an asshole about his and think you somehow wouldn't be the asshole in the situation?
If you don't like you boyfriend fine no one is forcing you to date him but if the only thing you can think of is being a nasty piece of work and dragging people down to your level of misery...YTA and shouldn't be in a relationship until you get control of your nasty cruel streak.