Woman is furious when fiancé after proposes with 'upsetting' engagement ring; 'It's OBVIOUS you don't really love me.' AITA? UPDATED

When this woman is furious with her fiance, she asks the internet:

"AITA For being upset at what my fiancé spent on my engagement ring?"

My fiancé proposed to me 3 days ago. We dated for 6 years previously. To give you some insight as to why I’m upset, it’s because he’s RICH. Like owns a Rolls Royce and a mansion rich. Gucci belts and Chanel bags type rich. I didn’t know this when we initially started dating, he revealed it about 9 months into our relationship.

The ring is beautiful and I know that the ring says little about the quality of a marriage, But when he told me he got it from Etsy (I think) for only $140 after I had been gushing about it to everybody that would listen, I was really, really hurt. He spent more on his dogs cage than my ring.

I feel like he doesn’t care about me, but when I let him know, he started accusing me of being a gold digger. His family is accusing me of being a gold digger.

I’m just really jarred because he previously had no qualms with spending money with me and I never took that for granted.

I know I’m not entitled to his money and I was never with him for his money, but considering the extent to his wealth I don’t think I’m being unreasonable in my expectations. Am I TA?

OP's update:

Edit: I want to explain myself further. I‘m upset about the ring because he has no problem shelling out money to everyone but me. He gives his mom AND sister $6k every month. He bought his brother a house, and his friend a car. He drives a Rolls Royce. He owns a yacht. That cage he bought for his dog was $850.

I’ve been with him six years, the most he’s spent on me before this ring is $200 (an order from Fashionnova). He encouraged me to spend that much. That was 4 years in to our relationship.

This upsets me because it makes me feel like I’m not a priority. 12k a month goes to his mother and sister. 6 years and he’s never made a purchase bigger than $200 on me.

I’ve always been hurting about his reluctance to spend on me, because that shows that he doesn’t trust me or possibly even care, but this ring hurt me more than anything because considering how much he shells out to his mother and sister I would expect a statement of his love and dedication to me to to be a little more grand.

I’m not expecting him to break the bank. I would be okay with a 1k ring, he gives more than that to his mother and sister.

I’m not with him for his money. I drive the car that I bought, I pay my own rent, I buy my own food. I’m in college studying for my bachelors in economics. If I only wanted his money I would have left a long time ago. I It’s fact that he CAN spend more than $140 on my engagement ring but is CHOOSING not to that hurts me. Makes me feel like he thinks I’m not worth it.

I never brought this up because I didn’t want to seem like a gold digger and he does have a sort of paranoia about people only liking him for his money. So I never brought it up. I would think that 6 years and no complaints would ease his suspicion, but that’s probably why he thought I’d be okay with the ring.

But I wasn’t, so I sat him down and said verbatim “I wasn’t expecting a ring from Etsy. I think it’s beautiful, but that actually kind of hurt me. I would expect something a little better quality.” And he just went off on me. Called his mom and sister and they went off on me.

I still think the ring is beautiful, and if that was all he could afford I would understand. But he could afford much, much more but doesn’t think I’m worth the money. I don’t want to be 2nd place to his mother and sister. Furthermore, the gem on the ring just fell off.

Let's see what readers thought:

freighamui writes:

NTA, I feel like this is a sort of test. Of course his mom and sister are on his side. They would lose $12,000 if they weren't.

I think you should really think about if you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like a gold digger. Even if you aren't one, once you start asking for anything at all it will be seen as you gold digging.

You can pay your rent and all your bills. You don't need him making you feel like a burden.

This isn't about a $100 ring, but he doesn't want to listen to why you are hurt by the ring. Worse yet, he makes you feel bad when you try to communicate with him.

Like you said, you would have been fine with a $1000 ring and to me it seems like you want to at least be seen as more special than his dog. Right, now you feel like less than a dog because he can spend $800 on a dog's cage but not on your engagement ring.

When you tried to explain that to him he made you look like a gold digger. You want to be respected and seen like an equal.

The fact that the gem fell off proves that he didn't look for something long-lasting. He got something cheap and it made you feel cheap.

I would advise that you try again to talk to him. If he won't hear you try writing a letter to voice your concerns. Don't only talk about the ring but about your future if you two get married.

Would you need to sign a prenup? Would you combine incomes? Would you have separate incomes and pay 50/50 of everything? What happens if you have kids? Would you be expected to stay home with them?

Would you still have to work in order to pay your share of the bills? Would that mean getting a nanny so you can work for your bills?

These are all things you have to think about before continuing this relationship. If you don't like the answers it's ok to walk away.

Just because you have been with him 6 years doesn't mean you have to marry him. Honestly, living alone and at peace with yourself would be a lot better than having to defend yourself everyday. You'll always be seen as a gold digger to him and to his family.

The fact that he still calls you a gold digger after all these years shows that he won't change.

If you even ask him for $20 for gas, you'll be seen as a gold digger. Is that something you want to live with for the rest of your life?

deedaymurphy writes:

Against the grain here but ESH. Even though an Etsy ring CAN be of low quality and wouldn’t be long lasting (as proven by your edit saying the gem fell off) it may of been the ring he picked for you because it was a handmade piece of jewellery that he thought might be of more sentimental value than a store bought ring.

How do you not know that he wasn’t going to get one of those expensive bridal sets for the actual wedding with the engagement and wedding ring sold together? It does come across a little ungrateful that you’re disappointed in what he picked out for you and I can see his paranoia with you wanting his money based on your reaction.

Although I do understand your frustration seeing as he spends so much more on his mum and sister I do think that you’re expectations are a little uncalled for-yes he may HAVE the money to spend on you but you aren’t entitled to have it spent on you if you get my meaning.

He may not of spend a great deal on/for you over the 6 years you’ve been together but he seems to value you enough to want to marry you and share assets.

I do have a problem with him running to mummy to solve his problems and allowing them to abuse you over this matter and also him unwilling to discuss your concerns over the quality especially as the gem has now fallen off and you mentioned he still isn’t speaking with you.

I do think this could be resolved but it will take communication and vulnerability from the both of you and maybe even look into the different love languages and see if maybe his shows his love to you in different ways than he does show to his mum and sister-it may change your perspective on him providing for his family but not for you.

littledarksta writes:

OP, you're so far from being the AH here. This man is showing you what he thinks you're worth and you should listen to him.

I once had a boyfriend give me a papercraft model he'd printed off the internet and stuck together as my birthday present. I was happy he'd given me a gift at all, but it felt the same way (on a much smaller scale) as this ring must feel to you.

It's a slap in the face to how you think this man feels about you. (Said boyfriend later went on to gaslight me and became emotionally manipulative, for what it's worth).

To my mind, this dude is either testing your reaction (which after 6 years together and an engagement is a Massive. Red. Flag.) or he genuinely doesn't think you're worth more than pocket change (if he's a wealthy as you imply, then $140 is his pocket change).

It's not about the money, it's about him treating you like a priority in his life, and this situation is just confirming that you aren't one. If you were, he'd be breaking bank to convince you that he's the one for you, especially if he's proposing. NTA.

aerochan writes:

I would give him back the ring. This isn't about the money it's about trust and priorities.

If after 6 years he doesn't trust you enough, then he shouldn't have proposed. If he doesn't trust you with his life, his money or his future, then tell him not to marry you. Doesn't mean the relationship has to end, but you guys need some counciling if it is to continue.

If he says he does trust you, then you should have an honest long overdue conversation about finances going forward.

He is really holding you guys back with his paranoia.

The other big red flag is that he lost it and then called his momma. I'm sorry, but wife comes before mom. That is a decision that a grown man has to make.

I get where he is coming from, I made 6 x more than my now wife did when I met her. Now we share a bank account and have equal spending power. That is how marriage works, equal partners. It is my money or her money, it is our money. Money is the most common cause of divorce, you have to get that sorted out.

Given all the red flags you have mentioned, his paranoia, his preference for his mom, his quickness to anger. Sweetheart, I would run away as fast as you can.