Woman keeps step-kids home from daycare without bio parents permission; 'I think I did what's best.' AITA?

"AITA for keeping my step-kids home from daycare without the parents permission?"

My husband has two boys from a previous relationship, 3 and 4. We get them every other week and I adore them. In the last few months they have been crying about going to daycare. They are so little, it breaks my heart every single time.

But his ex doesn’t want me to spend more time with them than she does. And also my husband wanted them to keep their schedule for stability. But he said that as long as I drop them off at 9, I could pick them up early.

I did this for a while but one morning the older one was begging me to stay home and I was just in tears and couldn’t do it. So I called the daycare to tell them they were sick. And I kept them home for the entire week. I feel so guilty but I also told them not to say anything to dad.

They were such happy kids for the entire week and I loved having them with me. Anyway, the daycare must have ended up telling the mother that they were absent. When my husband picked them up from her she asked if they were sick. That’s when it unravelled.

She is extremely mad at me, and even worse than my husband being mad at me and blames the boys. And taking it out on them even though it was my fault.

Edit: I feel like just refusing to take care of them ever again. it’s all my fault and I obviously can’t be trusted with them so not my responsibility to be involved. She can have all the custody im literally done.

Let's see what readers thought:

frogt writes:

They’re crying about not wanting to go to daycare, and instead of explaining we don’t always get to do what they want, you’re teaching them that if they throw a fit you’ll undermine both mom and dad to make sure they get their way. If you had kept the kids home for just one day I might of said N T A, but you overstepped and let them stay home for a week.

What are you gonna do when they get to actual school? Are you gonna let them skip a week of school behind mom and dads back because they cried? I’m not saying it’s wrong to take a mental health day, everyone deserves to take one now and then, but OP a week is excessive.

They weren’t actually sick, they should of went the next day if you really just had to keep them home that one day. YTA.

Edit // not only that but you knew you were wrong. Otherwise you wouldn’t have told them to keep it a secret from dad. You don’t tell kids to keep secrets from their parents for you. Major asshat behavior.

flounce writes:

don’t think you’re the asshole as your intentions seem pure. I feel like you should’ve done things differently though. And at least let your husband know you wanted to keep them from daycare.

I would have also just kept them for one day and let the kids know it was a one and only time. Or talked to your husband if once a month you could let them stay for a mental health day with you, as kids also deserve a break from school/daycare every once in a while.

The most important thing you did wrong was ask the kids to lie. Keeping secrets from their parents as silly or little, for example giving them candy and telling them don’t tell your dad it’s our secret, is not ok. Why? Because that’s how they learn that it’s ok to keep secrets and lie to their parents if an adult tells them too.

So if they were to get abused by a trusted adult, and that adult told them don’t tell your parents, they’d already have the mindset that that’s okay!

We always tell the kids in my family it’s not ok to hide secrets and lie to us, and if an adult tells you to do so, you immediately tell us. Maybe it’s a bit extreme to think that way, but that’s the reality of it in some cases.

I also don’t think it’s ok your husband is taking it out on them, that’s not okay. In the end they just wanted a fun time with you, which I’m sure they’d have a fun time with mom too. But their reactions are normal, I’d also be upset if I didn’t even know where my kids were for a whole week.

NTA but definitely something that should’ve been handled differently and their reactions are normal. I hope it’s a learning experience and I hope everyone can learn forgiveness and honesty.

lulubelle writes:

YTA. Never lie to parents about where their child is. Don’t tell children to lie to their parents. Don’t keep children who aren’t yours home for an entire week against the explicit wishes of both the parents. Don’t mess with daycare schedule, especially if the daycare has rules about absence which the majority do have.

Apparently their mother has a good reason for being worried about your influence on these kids. She and their father agree that daycare is the way to go, you knew that and you chose to be the Disney stepmom by giving in to tears and telling both those children to lie to their father for an entire week. They then had to go to daycare and lie to the staff about having been sick for a week. That is both an asshole move and dangerous.

Also did you really not think that the daycare would contact the parents or at least mention to their mother that both children had been absent for a week?

For both kids to be sick an entire week means they were properly poorly, of course the daycare asked their mother what was going on, are they better, is there any medicine or something that they need to be aware of- basic care giver stuff.

And now they realise that these children’s stepmother will lie about the children to them and tell the kids to lie, so you’ve given yourself a reputation and they will be on alert for absence from now on.

I would not be surprised if you are not trusted in the future as regards the children. You lied to your husband, their father, for a full week. You told his children to lie to him. If you have to go behind someone’s back then you know you are messing up and it’s a choice.

If his ex were someone who is litigious or their custody were a battle then your actions are exactly what can be brought up in court to say why access be more limited for one parent. If this is real rather than rage bait then make your mea culpas and apologise then stay on your lane.

foundry writes:

YTA. I thought you were going to say that one of the kids woke up with a tummy ache or something and you decided to keep them both home for a day and couldn’t reach your husband to let him know.

Undermining your husband and his ex is not okay (it would also not be okay to undermine your husband if these were your shared kids). And it’s sketchy to ask the kids to lie.