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Woman kicks 72 yo MIL out of the house in the middle of the night; 'I did NOT feel safe!' AITA? UPDATED 2X

Woman kicks 72 yo MIL out of the house in the middle of the night; 'I did NOT feel safe!' AITA? UPDATED 2X


When this woman is furious with her MIL, she asks the internet:

"AITA for kicking my 72 year old MIL out of the house in the middle of the night?"

I (36F) live with my husband (41M). I have a decent relationship with my MIL, compared to a lot of the horror stories I hear from friends, she’s quite sweet and warm. She is, however, a little… over-controlling? Overprotective?

I’m not sure of the exact word, but she has very strong ideas about things and no sense of boundaries. For example, when she stays at our house she takes over the kitchen completely and insists on cooking all our meals.

She cooks wonderfully, but she won’t let me help her at all, and puts everything away in the wrong places - and then insists that her way is more logical.

She only really comes for holidays, though, and I do like her a lot. So I don’t mind putting up with these mild annoyances. I’m currently pregnant with our little girl, who will be born in a few months.

This is a miracle - I really didn’t think it would happen, especially so late, but we got lucky. When my MIL heard, she was super excited and said she would come over to help us get ready for the baby.

She offered to stay for the next 6 months or so to help out, because my husband and I both work long hours and it will be hard to handle the baby on top of this.

She is also pretty emotionally invested in this, because she truly sees herself as part of our family. She arrived a few days ago and set herself up, then she started with the cleaning.

I like collecting things from garage sales and such. Things like little sculptures and books and baskets, stuff a lot of people would consider utter junk. Our house is definitely overstuffed, but it’s reasonably tidy and doesn’t seem like a hoarder’s house or anything.

My MIL, on the other hand, likes everything surgically clean. Yesterday I came home from work to find the house like a war zone, she went through my cabinets and cleared out everything she considered junk, and had apparently made several trips to goodwill before I got home.

I was really angry and I asked her why she would ever do this. She said the house has to be tidy for the baby, and that it would be “dangerous” for the baby to be in my cluttered house.

Then she took the next huge bag of stuff and tried to walk out the door. I kind of lost it, and I told her she could get out right now. She was shocked that I was serious, and she said she doesn’t have anywhere to go and it’s so late. It was about 9:30. I booked her a hotel room and called a taxi.

My husband came home an hour later, and when I told him what happened, he was furious with me. He says I disrespected his mom and was ungrateful for everything she’s trying to do for us. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

And now, OP's first update, which was in response to comments:

g986 writes:

She definitely overstepped, but she may have been trying to help if your house is super cluttered.

OP responded:

It’s not cluttered. I don’t just have piles of stuff lying around, everything is in cabinets and arranged in a visually pleasing way. It’s sort of a “cluttered aesthetic”, but I’ve had guests over and everyone thinks it’s pretty cool. Due date: Baby is due in 2 months. She said she’d stay for a bit after the baby was born.

OP reponds to accusations of being a hoarder:

Okay. I’m just going to give y’all a list of all my “junk” and you can decide if I’m a hoarder. a walk in closet with a lot of thrifted clothes, some that I altered myself; 4 quilts in said walk in closet; an antique wood desk with a typewriter (that is admittedly just taking up space, but it is gorgeous)

a LOT of wall art (none of it matches, which my MIL hates. But it’s all hung properly and intentionally.); two shelves of fancy china in the dining room, which I’m never going to use, but again, it’s displayed purposefully; a coin collection, in ziplock bags in my closet; two “ugly” end tables.

several rugs from garage sales (that are in use, not just rolled up in a corner); two bookcases of books (you can never have too many books) and fine, books lying around on the coffee table, kitchen table, and couch; a few shelves in said bookcases with family memorabilia and such.

houseplants; a lot of throw pillows that also don’t match at all; a tree sculpture with Christmas ornaments and pictures hung on it; lamps on every table; a geode collection; a spice rack with a lot of little spice bottles; too many dishes (it fits in two kitchen cabinets though); normal house things.

What she gave away - a bag or two of my clothes that supposedly aren’t practical; a box of books; a bunch of paintings; some pillows; dishes; a whole drawer of my rocks.

Before we give you OP's second update, let's read some more responses:

bamg writes:

NTA. What your MIL did crossed every line for a guest in anyone's home, and, in fact, you could make a very good case for theft of your belongings.

If your MIL truly wanted to help you, she would have asked before she touched a single thing and would have accepted it if you told her "no" for any action she wanted to do. Instead - she did everything while you were away, when she knew you could not object or tell her no.

You also have a husband problem. He made a vow to "forsake all others until death do you part" - and it looks like he is not doing that now - it looks like he is choosing his mother over you.

He should have been enforcing the sanctity of the two of your home against her overbearing ways all along. And you need to get this worked out now before the baby comes, or your MIL is going to be running your home, not you.

shoutout6 writes:

NTA - but your MIL wants to be a mom raising a baby again, your baby. If you allow her to stay, you will change the relationship with your child forever. She will never allow you to bond with your child, cook a meal, whatever. She is taking over your house and she will take over raising your baby.

This isn’t going to work. Throwing her out at 9:30 at night was not the best way to handle this, but her tearing your house apart as if she is in charge and it’s her house is just as wrong.

Just because you like or tolerate your MIL in small doses doesn’t mean it is healthy for you in large doses or permanently. She isn’t coming for 6 months. She to,d you 6 months because by that time she will be embedded in your house and won’t leave.

You and your husband need to have a talk about all of this. You and your husband and the little human you are growing. Your life will change with this baby. You are growing the little human for 40 weeks.

You will have a bond with your baby, you won’t want to leave your baby. You won’t want to consistently work long hours because you will miss your baby and want to get home quick to be with your baby. There are no words to adequately describe what you will feel physically, emotionally, and mentally once your baby is born.

My husband and I had high tech, high energy careers. I travelled a lot for my job. Totally type A take no prisoners in my career. When I had our son, everything changed.

I hated traveling all the time, I preferred to be home. I went from being the in the office or on the road to working from home 3 days a week and having my SIL babysit the other 2 days.

She would babysit more often when I had to travel. When our son got to be 3 and we wanted him in preschool, I changed positions to eliminate the travel to twice a year because my husband couldn’t control his travel, but I could by changing positions which involved a pay cut, but tolerable because it was important to put the needs of our child first.

You cannot be an effective parent to your child and develop a bond with your child if you have a MIL that wants to take over your house. It’s not going to work, she will make you feel incompetent, she already does… she will take over everything including your baby.

I suspect that is not what you want. She can’t help herself, it’s who she is. She doesn’t allow you in your own kitchen when she visits. Do you really think she will allow you around your own baby??

If you want her raising your child, that’s fine, that is what happens in some cultures, the parents work and the grandparents raise the children.

So as you don’t get to raise your own child, but you will raise your grandchildren, unless the now adult child moves out…. If you want to raise your own child your way, your MIL cannot live with you. You need to figure out an alternative for child care.

methinkdum writes:

NTA. My mom cleaned my house once and threw away a bunch of stuff while I was at work (she was visiting and staying with me) Didn’t talk to her for almost a year and didn’t go to any family events that entire year as well.

Those were not her possessions to be giving away. She needs to at least reimburse you, or I’d be filling a police report for theft. Her opinion of what a house is supposed to be like differs from yours, it is NOT her house and stuff and as an old lady she should have learned about this as a kid, back when people were strict about manners.

Tbh I say just call the cops and file a police report. I’m petty, I’d be beyond mad if my things got thrown out. The lack of common sense and good manners by MIL is outrageous. I’d be asking where her brain was when she decided that was okay to do.

cretin writes:

NTA. She wasn’t there to help. She was there to control. Your MIL crossed a line And you had every right to put her out. I wouldn’t have gotten her a hotel. I would have grabbed her shit and thrown it out into the street.

She has no boundaries and even less respect. She would not be allowed near me until she apologized. Even with an apology she would never be allowed to stay at my house again.

Do not allow this woman near you doing your PP. She will make you miserable. She will tell you everything you are doing wrong, refuse to give you your baby back and do whatever she wants with your child. She is will give you 6 months of HELL!

Tell your husband that she was the disrespectful one and ask him exactly what you have to be grateful for? For someone going through your house and taking your property without your permission. Where I come from that’s called theft. She’s lucky you don’t press charges.

educa6 writes:

ESH. I know this is against the grain but I just don't get why you need to kick her out in the middle of the night. I think this is rude and unnecessary. It's very possible that although you think things aren't cluttered they actually are and you need to be careful of things with old paint as they may contain lead and are actually harmful for the baby.

Does that justify what your MIL did - not really. Cleaning was probably ok but taking things to goodwill was a bit far. I do think that your husband may be part of the problem - we haven't heard how he feels about you buying stuff and cluttering the house.

If he grew up in a very clean uncluttered environment he may have told his mom it's ok to throw stuff out and saw it as a chance to purge without being at fault. So yeah everyone sucks....

janotherus writes:

ESH. She sucks for obvious reasons. But she has ALWAYS been this way and you have never TOLD her it bothered you. So how was she supposed to know you found it overbearing rather than helpful. And you invited her to stay already knowing she was like this AND didn’t clearly communicate what your boundaries were.

You can’t expect people to change what they have always done when you have always publicly agreed and approved before unless you have used your words and told them to stop. For your MIL it came out of nowhere and that makes you the AH too.

Also, she’s right - a cluttered house before a baby even gets there with all it’s stuff is…not good. Babies will pull all kinds of stuff down. If not regularly dusted, allergies can become an issue. Maybe consider that your husband may have asked her to help rid his house of “not quite hoarder level” of clutter.

And now, OP's second update:

Thank you to everyone to replied to my post. Appreciate the advice and wishes for the baby. So I talked to my husband after we both cooled down a bit, and I told him I felt let down that he didn’t support me.

He said it was just stuff, and he didn’t think I cared that much. I also asked him if he asked his mom to “declutter”, and if he has a problem with my things. He said no, he literally has zero opinion about my decor or collections. I believe him, because this is the guy who doesn’t know the difference between blue and purple…

So he said that’s why he thought I overreacted, because in his mind it’s just stuff and not nearly as important as a person who’s feelings can be hurt. I said that my things matter to me because I’ve put effort into collecting/fixing them and that some hold memories too.

He said he understands and he apologized. We went and brought my MIL home from the hotel in the morning, and I said I was sorry for losing my temper, and asked her if we could talk. She was still upset but agreed.

I told her I should have said this a long time ago, but I don’t like it when she takes over and doesn’t treat my home like it’s mine. She seemed offended but she said okay.

I told her I would be really grateful if she helps with the baby and I want her in my child’s life, but she has to work with me and not just do everything herself.

She said but you work, and I said that I know it’s not what she did when she had a child, but I want to make this work - and I think I can have a job and also be in charge of my home.

She was definitely annoyed but she agreed to everything and didn’t argue. So I think it will work out okay. I unfortunately couldn’t get my stuff back though… but I have plenty more rocks hidden away.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for her?

Sources: Reddit
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