Woman leaves husband over his family's disrespectful behavior in public, 'I'm done.' AITA? UPDATED.
AITAH for leaving my husband for him and his parents rude behavior?
I 25 F have been married to 24 M for 4 years. The first two years of our marriage, we were stationed in North Carolina but have since moved to Texas where his family lives. Since moving to Texas, I’ve gotten to know my in laws and what I know, is that they are all disrespectful. All of them, almost as if it’s hereditary.
Here a few a examples: I’m Korean and my husbands family is Mexican. My sister in law tried bulgogi, which is beef marinated in a sweet sauce and gagged in front of me when she took a bite of it, spitting it out and complaining that she didn’t expect it to taste like that.
Every time we go out to eat, my in laws will run the waiters back and forth asking for special requests and refills, but if they don’t like the food or they forget one item that they ordered, they will literally tip the waiter change from out of their pocket. I’m talking $5 on a $120 bill, even if their service was amazing.
If we go into a store or go to the gym and it’s about to close, they will be the last people to leave. And not last, as in they close at 9 PM and they’re leaving at 9 PM. Last as in they close at 9 PM and were barely walking out the door at 9:15
Every time an instance like this happens, my husband and I get into it. They usually end with my husband making excuses like that’s the just the way my family is or I don’t care what other people think and neither should you.
My last straw was when my mother was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer. I flew back to my home in Korea to take care of her for a while when she was getting her chemo. I stayed for 2 weeks before needing to go back to my home in Texas for work obligations and can you guess who never once reached out to me the whole time I was there?
Yup, my in-laws. Not once did I receive any call or text message, not even when I came back did the topic of my mom come up. My husband told me he told them about my mom, so I don’t understand why no one could have just checked up on me or at least called my mom.
The next time we saw my in laws, was the next day I came back from Korea. They were over for dinner . I waited to see what they were gonna talk about, and as they continued discussing what cows they wanted to buy, I left to the room and didn’t come out for the rest of the night.
When they left , my husband angrily confronted me, telling me how disrespectful I was. I honestly didn’t even have it in me anymore to fight. I just packed my bags and booked the next flight to Korea.
All my husbands and in-laws messages and phone calls are being ignored because I just cannot stand THEIR disrespectful behavior. And to hear my husband calling ME disrespectful was enough.
Maybe I’m overreacting, but honestly, this behavior is exhausting. I deal with it every time we go out and I’m done. I don’t want to be surrounded by people like this and I’d rather focus my attention on my mom. Am I the ahole?
Here's what the top commenters had to say:
RewardHungry2419 said:
First, beef bulgogi is delicious. Second, it seems like your resentment and frustration had been steadily increasing over time. You expressed your frustration, nothing changed or excuses were made. Their reaction to your mom’s diagnosis is the straw that broke the camel’s back. How was your husband when you went to Korea for two weeks? NTA.
Logical_Discussion_9 said:
NTA, husband should be more supportive or make an effort to encourage his family to be more amicable and less of however they want to describe themselves. Honestly sounds like a drain and I would suggest divorce asap. This is one of those opportunities where you get to choose your family and it ain’t them.
Pugooki said:
NTA. if you had left the dinner, a kind person's assumption would have been that you were distraught over your mother and exhausted from travel. I would have asked what we could do to help you. These people are trash, and so is your husband. You made the right decision to leave.
TheLadyIsabelle said:
Your husband's family sounds low class as hell. Who behaves that way? Also it's very telling that NOW they're calling you. NTA.
Sunsess38 said:
NTA. Their behaviors are over the top and you have more important matters to attend to. Hope your mom will get better soon. Sending you hugs.
UPDATE:
To clear things up a little, this situation happened over a month ago and I have been in Korea ever since. My husband and I did not get divorced but we had talked things out and decided I needed space to take care of my mom first and whatever problems that we had can be discussed at a better time.
As for my in laws, I haven’t spoken to them since. I really wanted to work things out after reading a few of the comments saying my in laws behavior is not the fault of my husband. I thought that maybe I was being too judgy over behavior that Im not used to. That maybe they’re not all bad, but they just have a few faults.
As for my mom, she hasn’t been doing so well. She’s been losing a lot weight because she says that everything she eats taste like metal and she’s been in constant pain. It’s gotten so bad that she can’t even get out of bed by herself.
On top of that,I’m having a tough time watching my mom struggling and feeling like I don’t have anyone on my side during this time. Especially since my husbands family still hasn’t reached out to me.
Last week, my husband reached out to me telling me that his mom had tonsillitis and was going in for surgery. Reluctantly, I reached out to her and told her that I would be praying and wishing her a safe surgery. I even had the hospitals gift shop send flowers up to her room because i couldn’t be there.
I figured that maybe they just weren’t the type of people to reach out and that I should put whatever happened in the past. My husband expressed how grateful she was and how happy she was to have received the flowers, hoping that I was doing okay in Korea.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t. Fast forward to a week later, my mothers condition had gotten so bad that she lost her battle with cancer and passed away.
I told my husband what happened and he was in just as much shock as I was. He said that he was sorry, telling me how much of a good mother she was and how happy she must have been to have me by her side during her last few days.
We were preparing to get the funeral done in the next few days so I asked my husband what day he could be here. He was hesitant on the phone, saying that he felt bad for my mother and all, but he also had his mother to worry about. How he needed to be there for her just like I was there for mine.
I was in complete shock and just hung up the phone. He is missing my mothers funeral to take care of his mother who had tonsillitis surgery. A week ago. Unbelievable.
Any chances I ever thought of giving him was completely out the window. It was insane to believe that he felt like his mom recovering from a very minor survey was more important than the death of my mom and his mother in law. I’m not saying that tonsillectomy isn’t important but I’m sure she’ll recover just fine as it’s a very common surgery and the down time is 1-2 weeks. And it’s already been a week!
As of now, I have hired a lawyer to discuss divorce and am going to therapy. I plan on going back to the US to end things with my husband, quit my job and take my stuff back with me after my mom's funeral.
As for his family, I haven’t heard from them. Shocking right? Whatever, I’m just glad i get to be done with him and his family and that I’ll be able focus on myself and my mental health.