Woman's life blows up when her husband's affair child shows up on their doorstep. 'My husband RUINED our lives.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
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When this woman cannot believe she has to parent a 5 year old because of her husband's mistake, she asks the internet:
"My husband's affair daughter was just dropped off at our house. My life is falling apart. AITA?"
My (34F) life is falling apart and it's all thanks to my husband. We had a perfect life, both of us worked in the jobs we loved, we have a beautiful daughter (10F) and a healthy son (5M). When I was pregnant with our son we both almost died due to complications.
So before the birth and even afterwards I didn't want to have sex, why would I? I almost died and my body was in pain for months afterwards even with strong medication.
I thought my husband understood because he never pushed me for sex or even asked. I thought it was because he understood my pain, but apparently he was just getting it from somewhere else.
A few months ago we were visited by Child Protective Services, I was terrified at first frantically thinking of what we did wrong with our children to cause a visit.
But no, as it turns out some woman I've never met before died in a car accident leaving behind a daughter, and my husband's name was on the girl's birth certificate and he was named in the woman's will as the father.
I thought it was a mistake at first, until my husband told me the truth. As it turns out while I was suffering my pregnancy and the after effects of almost dying, my husband would go to a woman he knew at work and get it off with her. He said this as if he did me a favor.
Well as the CPS worker explained to us, my husband is her closest living relative that can care for her. The woman's family apparently wanted nothing to do with the poor little girl. When she asked us if we wanted to take her in I said yes.
Yes I know this might be the true cause of all my issues, but my husband pawned that poor girl off to live with her single mother for five years, he doesn't get to pawn her away when she needs help. She's his responsibility, and now is ours.
I told him I'll help take care of the necessary visits for wellness checks and help with whatever CPS wants us to do. All he had to do was explain everything to our children. The fact I'm saying this tells you what he did.
Yes, nothing. We had to clean out a room and buy new furniture and even looked for some toys, our children go to a private school so I picked up some more work hours in order to be able to afford her tuition, I was the one who had to tell our extended families the big change because he didn't want to do so. I did almost all the heavy lifting.
So color me shocked when his daughter finally joins our family two weeks ago and the first words out of our children's mouths was "who's that?" Yes, I was the one who had to tell our children's school, extended families, family doctors, and my workplace about my husband's affair and subsequent addition to our family.
But he couldn't tell our children being he was "too ashamed" to face them. So guess who was the one who had to explain that they have a sister now as I'm trying to settle the poor girl into her new home and room? And shocker, our children didn't take the news well as it was happening right in front of them.
My daughter was screaming while crying causing my son and the little girl to cry. A situation that could have been avoided if my husband just did the one thing I asked of him and explained everything to them much sooner.
It's been two weeks of her living with us and the situation hasn't improved. My husband has not picked up the slack that comes with having a new addition to the family so we're struggling right now to make ends meet, I feel embarrassed bringing all three children around for appointments and groceries because the little girl is very much obviously not mine and I can tell people are judging our family...
my daughter is much moodier and less happy and refuses to even acknowledge our newest addition to the family, our son doesn't really understand what is going on and it's causing even him to lash out. And I don't even know how to help the poor little girl because I know that if I feel like my life is falling apart, she must feel even worst.
My kids are lashing out and my family is falling apart. I am shocked by my husband.
I suggested family therapy, therapy for our children, even just marriage therapy so we can hopefully move past this and work together as a unit for all the children. He's refused everything, saying that he knows he'll be lectured by everyone when all he was doing was trying to help me.
I just don't know how to fix this, please help me. I don't want to divorce him because I just know that will make it worst for the kids, but that's the only option my family is telling me. Meanwhile his family is begging me to make this work and to just... look past it.
Thank you, I hear you all loud and clear. Will be looking into therapy for me and the children and hopefully a good divorce lawyer. But first I need to get some answers because some of you are raising some good points.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
concag writes:
YTA. So, first, the little girl didn’t “cause” any of these problems. She chose NONE of this. Obviously, at least 90% of this is on your husband, and you’ve been within your rights to leave him over his affair this entire time.
The remaining 10% is you not being remotely curious as to when/what he told the kids prior to their new sister’s arrival. What on earth? I understand him needing to be the one to say the words, but you have to be in the room! They’re your kids too, how are you not remotely invested in how they take this life changing news?
As a final note, you don’t need his permission to get yourself and your kids into therapy. You might need his permission to take the new child to therapy, I’m not sure about that, but fg step up and get it done.
Her mom is dead and her dad sucks. You are this little girl’s only chance.
oddconstruction7 writes:
Hey, just want to say something having been that child before.
You have the ability to show this little girl and your daughter how to be the woman they’re going to want to be one day. I know every time you look at her you feel anger. Totally understandable. It’s not her fault, she just lost her mom, and this whole thing is jarring to her too.
I just want to encourage you to be a safe person for her despite the anger in your heart. Doing so will make the world of difference in her life, and she’ll pay that forward in the future when she interacts with your other children and husband.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, but I know that this little girl is in your life now and you have the opportunity to show her grace, strength, poise, and love- some of the peak values of womanhood.
I don’t know how anyone in your community could look at you with eyes of judgment when it’s clear that you’re striving to have a healthy marriage and family and that you’re not going to let a child who’s a victim of this situation suffer and feel even more alone. Those people don’t deserve a space in your circle, and nor do they deserve energy in your mind.
I think maybe you just going into where she’s staying in the evening and having some time to get to know her as she’s winding down for bed- read a book with her, just you two.
Your children will start to accept her as they see you trying to make an effort to make her feel welcomed. Maybe it’s after your kids are asleep, or maybe it’s while they’re at an extra curricular activity or something.
You have the most incredible opportunity to change the life of a child through your heartbreak and anger right now. I hope that the joy you get from that opportunity is deeply rooted in your heart enough to save your marriage.
secretdouble0 writes:
I don’t say this to be cruel but you really need to look at your current situation and the type of person it has the potential to turn you into.
He cheated, has done nothing to make amends and refuses therapy, had his literal affair child dropped off to live with you, has don’t nothing to step up and become the child’s main care giver and is sticking his head in the sand and making you deal with all the consequences of his actions.
That is a lot of emotional turmoil you are in at the moment and having to care for this child who is the embodiment of all of your current issues may not make you the best person to help care for them right now.
I would recommend that you consider separation and your child stay with you for the time being and he takes his child with him. However I know that the moment you suggest this he will probably say “I don’t want to raise that child on my own and if we divorce I’ll put the child in care”. And you have to ask yourself do you want to be with someone like that?
quickreader09 writes:
Put yourself and ALL the kids in theraphy ASAP. Do NOT wait for your husband. You've already made the decision to accept this child. What you failed to do was sit down with your husband BEFORE the little girl arrived and prepare your kids. You are just as much to blame as he is for this debacle.
Blaming him solely because you decreed that HE had to tell the kids was ludicrous. You knew he didn't because your kids never approached you with the information. You stuck your head in the sand and now you want be the righteous warrior and you aren't at all. Sorry.
Like I stated in the first sentence, put everyone into therapy and don't wait for your husband to initiate crap. Of course he's going to refuse to do anything to fix the mess that he would rather pretend doesn't exist.
Fix your reality NOW so that none of these kids have long term effects from this clearly super trauma regardless of your husband. Do NOT kick him out, put his ass to work and don't let him skate out on anything. Draw up a schedule that forces him to interact with all the children.
Kudos to you for not allowing this child to grow up in the system. Seriously. That you realized that it is not the child's fault is just fg amazing and I thank you for that. I really do.
You have no small feat to blend this child into your family, but, with love and a whole lot of patience, grace and therapy, I sincerely hope and pray that you and all the children make it to the other side of this trauma.
childofnight writes:
OP: There is a completely innocent victim in all of this: The little girl. I hope you will not abandon her. I hope you will not EVER let on to her how her very existence is the cause of so much anger and unhappiness. She didn't ask for this horrible turn of events. Imagine . . . No mother and now suddenly living with strangers.
You sound like a strong, confident and capable woman. You now have the chance to help someone in great need. That little girl needs you.
I take by your comment " . . . the little girl is very much obviously not mine . . ." that you and she and your children are of a different race/color? I hope this will not dissuade you from taking on the responsibility of giving her the best possible future.
What you do now, regarding her, will stay with you for the rest of your life. You cannot allow her to be raised by your husband. What kind of life do you think she'll have with him?
As for your own little girl acting out and pitching a fit ---- that is to be expected. All three children need to know what it is to be loved equally by you and be cared for by you. Therapy is a must. And divorcing your husband is the only way you and your family of four will move on from this appalling situation.
Engage an attorney, adopt the little girl. Divorce your husband and make sure he pays child support for all three children. I believe you are strong enough to do this. I believe you will soon realize that what you're doing is what is best for you, your two children and your children's half-sister.
bwesty writes:
You are a saint. Your husband is really showing his true colors. Therapy is an absolute must, without your husband. I would find the best legal advise possible, and depending on your state, hopefully at your husbands expense.
Take all the kids with you, including that innocent little baby girl. I totally understand wanting to try to save your marriage but you can’t save something two people aren’t willing to work hard for.
I tried to do that with my ex-husband for 10 years alone and I wish I hadn’t wasted all those years. My kids ultimately were the ones to suffer in the end. I can’t tell you how much happier I am today now being divorced and a single mom.
Regardless of anyone’s advise though, always do what you feel is the best for you and your kids, don’t worry about what anyone else thinks, and do what makes you happy! Life is way too short!!
anonygo writes:
Ugh. Unfortunately it sounds like your daughter took after her dad. At 10 years old I’d have understood the situation and accepted the new sibling. Especially since you are leading by example and the child is orphaned.
Her mother died and her father is a good for nothing Moron. I’m not blaming your daughter, but I am pointing out that she seems to definitely lack empathy. Innate trait or learned from her dad. I’m focusing on your 10 year old because the added pressure on you from her puts you in a tough situation.
If I was you, I’d adopt the little girl first, then divorce my husband. That way I’d get child support from him for all three kids and ensure the child had a family. There is no way I’d give up the child for the tantrums of an older unempathetic selfish sibling. I’m sorry, but 10 years old is just way too old to act how she is acting.
At 10 years old I had a six month old brother and a 2 year old brother and that I was responsible for. To make it worse, my 2 year old brother was diabetic. We were homeless for a while and it wasn’t easy. 10 years old is a big kid already. Your daughter is throwing a tantrum and being a bit hateful over a helpless orphaned 5 year old that is her sibling?
I know what I’d do. By 7 years old a child develops empathy or they don’t. This narrative you gave is just a snapshot, but it doesn’t seem your eldest developed it.
I’d tell the 10 year old she can stay with her dad if she is that bothered and I’d keep the two 5 year olds. Why? Because you have a better chance at raising two good humans without her push back. Despite her age, she knows what she is doing.
I feel very sorry for you in this situation.
cosmocloudy writes:
I wouldn't salvage this situation either but I also wouldn't change/ ruin the 2 lives of the existing children she has by taking in a third from a situation she didn't ask for.
It's also not good for the girl to grow up with a resentful step mom and 2 siblings that hate her. Therapy is not a magic fix for having your whole childhood uprooted in an hour and it could take years of work to fix this.
You can be empethetic to how awful this is for the girl without taking responsibility for the her care. The father needs to clean up his mess and move him and the affair daughter in with his parents. OP is indeed a good person, but that doesn't mean she should feel obligated to sacrifice this much.
While this situation is very sad, the girl should go with her relatives first, her father(bro get it together), grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.
What's also sad to me is all of the comments telling her she should take in her husband's affair child because he is lazy. This is why people stop being nice, they are quick to be taken advantage of or expected from others to do extra because they are nicer.
witchesofbangkok writes:
She is. But she has also messed up so badly that I can’t believe this is real. At the end of the day she set that poor child up for failure and traumatised her own kids in the process.
This is not about what is right or fair between her and him. It’s what is right for the children. At this point it should be about what is right for her own children first, and then if she can protect them, what is right for this new child.
She absolutely knew her husband was a selfish arsehole. He’s already abandoned this kid once and her and her children. There is no way in hell I would let him be the one to tell MY kids.
All she needed to say was “a very sad little girl called xxx is coming to stay with us for a while until we work out where she will live. Her mummy just died and she is all alone in the world. Do you feel ok about us helping her?
Yes? Wonderful. Ok, help me work out where she should sleep. Let’s work out some new rules, what do you think we should do if she is sad or you are sad? What about if there is fights?” Etc.
There is absolutely NO need to talk about infidelity etc. the child can be introduced as a relative whose mother just died. End of story.
And now, OP's first update:
I do not hate her enough to just abandon her in such a terrible time for her. I agreed to take her into our home so she is indeed my responsibility as much as my husband's.
And I didn't say this at first because I didn't know if it was important, but she and my son have gotten really close in such a short amount of time I would feel heartbroken separating the two.
OP's second update:
I know this is pathetic to say, but I really did think my husband was amazing before all of this. When I gave birth to our daughter he stepped up to the plate by caring for her and doing housework.
He was an attentive father to both of our children before all of this, I was able to tell him I need to take a break and he would just... step to it and care for them and make sure I could relax.
I don't know why he committed such an affair and then try to excuse himself, and I don't know why he's decided to not care about our children as much as he used to be.
I guess I just keep hoping if we all go to therapy and find the root of the issue we can fix it and go back to how our relationship used to be. Now reading all these comments that are sounding just like my family I guess I was just being naive.