'ATA for locking my husband out of the house after he got home at 6:00 AM?'
"ATA for locking my husband out of the house after he got home at 6:00 AM?
I (F36) have been married for 15 years to my husband (M40), we have 2 daughters (9 and 4) and he is usually a great dad but not a good husband. He loves to party, get wasted and spend sundays sleeping while me and the girls just stay home. We have talked about this issue multiple times and he has promised to change, but hasn't.
He would stay home a couple of weekends and then would go back and do exactly what he said wouldn't. I do not have an issue with him going out but getting home in the morning I feel is very disrespectful to me, my family and my home.
Last night we had friends over, at around 10:30 PM I decided to go to sleep with my daughters. At 03:00 AM I get up to get some water and I notice that he is not home. I check my phone and he had texted me that he had went out with his friends and that he was on his way back.
Fast forward to 6:00AM, he still wasn't home and not responding calls or messages. I went from scared that something had happened to him, to mad that he was doing exactly what he always does so I proceeded to lock him out and asked him to not come home.
He said (again) that he was on his way, but I did not open the door. Now I'm worried that I made things worse. Am I the A$@6ole or he deserves to learn his lesson?
Later, the post was edited to include:
I know locking him out is not a solution, but I feel so angry and disrespected, especially because at the time he would have gotten home, my girls would have been up and would have seen him drunk/high.
During the week he is very present, I work full time, while his job allows him to work part time, so he is the one taking the girls to school, teaching them sports and spending time with them.
I think he is a good person, but not a good partner, I have thought about divorcing him but it breaks my heart for my girls not to have their father around.
We live in the Caribbean so him passing out in the cold is not an issue, but still I know not letting him inside could have caused even more harm.
He has has been home since 7:00AM, he got in thru a sliding window he forgot to lock before he left last night. He has been sleeping in our daughters room and hasn't come out, so I haven't seen him.
I am thankful for your comments and I am aware he could have gotten hurt, I'm glad he did not and I regret what I did, but I feel he has been putting his life and other's in danger way before tonight. I am trying for my girls to have a fun, relaxed sunday but I am heartbroken for the position we are all in.
I suspect it could be more than drinking, I also know addiction is a disease but I do not have the tools to deal with every thing I have on my plate right now. While he is sleeping, my mind is racing, I am taking care of my girls and getting ready for work tomorrow. Thank you again and keep us in your prayers.
I have always thought that in a couple, it is very healthy to do things apart and doing activities that bring you joy. This is NOT it, it first started with 'I got carried away and drank too much' to 'I don't remember how I even got home.'
My husband has lost jobs, missed important events and 8 years ago he had a car accident where he almost lost his life because he was drunk and fell asleep. All these years I have been trying to not give up on him and find ways to help him, with the limited resources we have but he has to want this help.
I do know he doesn't want to hurt his family and when he is sober he reminds me of the man I fell in love with, but when he is not, I am the one picking up the pieces. I appreciate all the people that took time to give me advise, I will try my best for my daughter's sake.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
embopbopbopdoowop said:
ESH. He’s the bigger AH. He’s leaving everything to you. Regularly. And not spending time with his children - or being hungover and/or still drunk around them. “He is usually a great dad.”
This post suggests otherwise. That said, locking anyone out of their house is not okay (unless someone’s in physical danger). And it won’t achieve what you want it to. It gives him a reason to be upset with you rather than focus on his problematic behavior.
NuMarkyMark said:
NTA Idk about the good dad part. When I was a kid I sure remember my dad lazing around after a bunch of drinking, didn’t exactly inspire me. Well that’s not true. It made me not want to drink and I avoided it well into my 20s/30s. I would ask how he thinks this behavior looks to the children.
TheGreatStarryVoid said:
ESH/NTA - I feel like locking him out doesn’t solve the ongoing issue. If he isn’t meeting your needs, and if your dreams don’t align, what’s the point? It will be many more nights of sleepless worry and arguments.
Your kids are the important thing. And he is teaching your children that a father/husband should go out and party and leave his family so he can get wasted and do god knows what, and come home whenever he feels like it, no matter what benefits the family.
It isn’t fair. To either of you. He isn’t ready to be mature. And you aren’t ready to go back to being a 21 year old barfly. You have a family now. And so does he, lest he forget.
Wise_Department8700 said:
NTA. Do you want your daughters seeing this (because believe me, they are noticing, even if their brain isn’t fully understanding) and thinking that this is what a marriage looks like. Do you want your daughters marrying a man that does this? Think long and hard. Children notice and internalise a lot more than parents realise. Especially girls.
GullibleDiscipline80 said:
ESH how is he a good dad?
lyingdogfacepony66 said:
NTA. That behavior is totally unacceptable. Not a one-time event and previously discussed. It won't get better without help and you need to decide what you want. He's selfish.