Woman gets into major fight with grandpa over giving her son an iPad. AITA? UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not letting my father give my son an iPad?"

I (30F) have two kids, "Arthur" (4M) and "Lucy" (7 months). When my son was a baby, my husband (32M) and I decided we wouldn't give our children any gadgets (phones, tablets or computers) until they were at least 9 years old.

I worked as a babysitter in my early 20s, and many of the kids I'd take care of were glued to iPads.

Most of them had no social skills, refused to go out, and were absolute nightmares to be around when they didn't have a gadget with them. I don't like judging other parents, and I get how overwhelming children can be, but I refuse to raise mine like that.

My dad (63M) is dating "Shelly" (37F). Her sister had her third child earlier this year, and gave her older kids an iPad to distract them while she focused on the baby. My father and Shelly both thought that was a great idea.

Since Lucy was born, my father has been trying to convince me to get Arthur an iPad. He says that this would be a great way to keep him busy while I take care of the baby, and to make parenting "less of a struggle" for me and my husband.

We're not struggling. Things aren't perfect, but we're happy and healthy without iPads. Whenever I try to express that to my dad, he ignores me. I've been declining his advice all year. He finally stopped bringing it up about a month ago, and I thought it was over.

Last week, he and Shelly got back from a trip abroad. I went to their place to pick up some things I'd asked them to get, when I noticed an iPad box in one of their suitcases. Shelly confirmed they'd gotten it as a Christmas gift for Arthur. When my father tried to deny that, it became clear that they planned on giving it to him behind my back.

As calmly as I could, I said I didn't care who they gave that iPad to, but it wouldn't be Arthur. We ended up having a huge fight, and I told them my family wouldn't be attending Christmas (my aunt is hosting) unless they promised not to give Arthur the iPad.

Both my father and Shelly are furious. They're calling me ungrateful, and insist they're only trying to help me and my husband and we'd see that if we weren't so stubborn. My father is also angry that I'm denying Arthur an expensive gift that many people don't have access to.

Me and my husband aren't budging, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel like I'm overreacting. I also don't want to spend Lucy's first Christmas without the rest of my family, and when I think about that, this feels like an awful hill to die on. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

sparearticle writes:

Nope, nope, nope NTA.

First of all, I am in complete agreement re: devices. And I credit giving my 6 yo an iPad as the worst decision I ever made. (7 years ago) It is a constant struggle with tech and trying to find a balance between him ‘fitting in’ with his peers, their ability to communicate after school, etc…and having a kid not reliant on tech.

THAT BEING SAID: whether you’re actually right or not is not even the point. You’re the parent. You decide how your son gets raised. You don’t want him to have an iPad? Period. End of discussion. It’s literally that simple.

Your dad’s gf is massively overstepping by basically stating ‘I know what’s best for your kid so I’m going to do it anyway.’ And once that iPad gets unwrapped, it’s gonna make you the AH to your kid if you say no.

flowund writes:

One thing that really got me is...he was going to give a 7 YEAR OLD CHILD an ipad behind his parents' back???

That is an awful idea no matter how you feel about kids and screentime! They don't know what lurks online, they have no sense of internet safety at that age...all sorts of things could go wrong and you wouldn't even know.

My father is paying for his and my late mother's decision (He blames her, but he never stepped in to stop it) decision to let my youngest sibling have unrestricted access to the internet since he was 2.

Thankfully he has not managed to do anything that has put himself at risk, but it has led to many innappropriate incidents that basically screamed "trashy parent" to everyone witnessing this. I could write a chapter book with the stories of how this has bitten him in the ass.

Your Dad attempted to undermine your parenting in a way that is actually dangerous. NTA.

aggressss writes:

NTA You told them no, that's simple enough to understand. I'm due my baby very soon. I already know my SIL and her husband will be pulling this crap with my children and I have no problem telling them we won't accept electronic gifts like this.

Aside from your personal experience, a little bit of research will tell you how damaging it is for children to be stuck to these devices for long periods, they affect sleep, attention, social skills etc there's hardly an aspect of childhood that isn't negatively impacted. As parents you get to decide if this us acceptable to you or not. Your dad and his gf shouldn't be trying to go against you on this.

davert writes:

NTA, and it's absolutely a solid hill to die on, because ultimately it's not about an iPad. It's about consent, respect for you as the parent, and your son's mental and emotional development.

You said no, and drew a boundary. If you don't enforce that boundary with the iPad, your dad and Shelly will know that they can break every other boundary you have if they're forceful enough.

You are Arthur's mother, not Shelly. You and your husband have set down very reasonable rules for him re: electronics... and there is absolutely no reason a 4yo needs them. Tbh, I still think 9 is a little young, but I'm also the kid who got their 1st cell phone at 14 (and it only had 25 minutes a month on it). I didn't get my first iPad until I was in college. As his parents, you're making the decisions you feel are right for him (and they happen to be backed by science and child psychology)... Your dad and his creepily-young girlfriend don't have the right to ignore your parenting decisions just because they don't like them.

It's not about "oh, we spent so much money on this", because you didn't ask them to and in fact, told them NOT to.

It's not about "well, some children can't afford this nice gift", then go donate it to a toy drive or a charity so someone can have it who wants one.

It's not about "we're just trying to help", because if they really wanted to help, they'd have dropped this fight the first time you said no, and asked what gifts would be welcome.

"You'd keep the kids from us over an iPad?"

"I'll keep the kids from you over your refusal to respect us as his parents, and insistence on ignoring our boundaries. I'll keep the kids from you over your willingness to derail his emotional and psychological development for the sake of 'easy' childcare, or so that you can look generous."

Update 1:

He's always been like this. Whatever he thinks is best is the only thing we should be doing, and if we disagree we're wrong and stubborn.

The only thing that surprises me this time is that he actually got the iPad. I'd given him a list of things the kids might like for Christmas, and I fully expected him to just grab the cheapest things on it. Shelly doesn't have kids, and she's only been with my father for a year. My only sister is 24, so they've never had to raise children together.

I'm not removing them from modern life. Arthur is allowed to watch TV (though not too much, and we monitor what he watches) and eat candy. Our only restrictions are electronics. And I stand by that decision. I don't want to glue my kids to devices just to make my life less stressful.

I'm aware that not all kids with iPads have those issues, but most of the ones I've met do. Mine and my husband's stance is more of a precaution. I'm also not opposed to letting my kids have electronics once they're older and ready.

We don't live in the US (their trip abroad was to Miami), and the schools are a bit different around here. They still have normal whiteboards (I'd never even heard of the ones you mentioned before), books and crafts.

I don't really have much use for an iPad right now. I can play games, listen to music and watch TV on my phone. If I don't have my phone, I've still got a computer, board games, a record player and a television. But if my father decides to give it to me, I'll be grateful. I just don't want him to give it to my son.

Honestly, Arthur has never even shown interest in iPads. He's been around other kids with iPads before, and even played games with them before, but never for more than a few minutes. If I had him chose between an iPad and a box of Legos, he'd go for the latter.

Update 2 (9 days later):

Thank you all for reassuring me. Since my post last week, a few things happened (including Christmas, of course).

Some people in the comments suggested accepting the iPad, but hiding it away until Arthur was old enough to use it. I really didn't want to do that at first, but after talking to my husband, we decided we could try to make it work.

I told my father we'd come to my aunt's place for Christmas and accept the iPad on the condition that he didn't let Arthur see it. Our plan was to tell him that grandpa had gotten him a gift for when he got bigger. He had said he wanted a Hot Wheels track for Christmas a while ago, and my husband and I had bought it for him, so we offered to have my dad gift it to him instead.

I expected my father to agree. Instead, he accused me and my husband of not trusting him and Shelly, as well as denying Arthur something he'd spent so much money on. He also denied our race track idea, saying that he had the right to decide what he'd get for his own grandson.

I hung up on him and called my aunt to tell her we weren't coming for Christmas. She asked me about it, and I ended up explaining the situation to her.

Well, it turns out that mine and my kids' presences were more important to her and my cousins than my father's. My aunt threatened to ban him and Shelly from her place if they gave Arthur the iPad.

After a small fight and a crying fit from Shelly (I'm not exaggerating), all over the phone, my father apologized and asked what else he could get my son for Christmas. I gave him ideas of toys, books and art kits Arthur would like.

He ignored them and got a pair of socks. Whatever, Arthur still liked it. My father and Shelly gave the iPad to her sister's kids (they now have two). I know that because Shelly made a point of telling Arthur, in front of me, that her nephews got the "best gift ever", and that she was sorry he couldn't have the same thing.

Arthur just kept playing with his new Lego set. He either didn't listen or didn't care. I still made sure to keep her away from him throughout the night.

My dad saw that, and I think he finally realized my kid wouldn't care about the iPad. He called me yesterday and apologized, more sincerely this time.

All that said, I think you guys are right about him. This whole incident has made it clear that he doesn't really respect me as a parent or care about my boundaries for my children. I will closely monitor the time he spends with Arthur and Lucy in the future. Thank you all and happy holidays!