Woman marries affair partner; gets consumed by twisted obsession with his ex-wife. UPDATED

When this mistress ends up marrying her affair partner but becomes obsessed with his ex-wife, she asks the internet:

"I am obsessively jealous of my husband's ex-wife. What do I do?"

I (40F) am very much jealous of my husband's (50M) ex. Our relationship started with an affair. I know it was wrong. Their marriage was on the rocks and my husband wanted to end it.

When she (48F) learned about the affair she didn't scream or shout at me. She was rather calm.

She only asked me if I truly loved her husband, I said yes. She told me that if I am going to be a part of my husband's life I better treat her kids (19F, 16M and 14F) with respect and not push them to accept me.

She didn't even create any hassle in the divorce. Things were tough. My husband's parents and friends really criticized us and his parents almost disowned him. If it wasn't for his ex they would have went with it.

But his ex convinced them to not cut us off. Their parents did forgive my husband but I still feel like an outsider to them. But they do love our kid (4M).

My husband's ex is very different. She never held a grudge against me. Always pushed her kids to have a relationship with their dad. His oldest doesn't talk to him because of the divorce and it always hurts my husband that his daughter wants nothing to do with them.

The rest of them are good. They do not love me but they are very civil. She never bad mouthed me or called me a homewrecker. She did her best for the kids. She still tries her best so that her oldest daughter has a good relationship with her dad.

I used to think she is a silly woman for not holding a grudge. She was always nice to me. When I was pregnant she first congratulated me and even though she wasn't invited to my baby shower, she sent me a diaper genie as a gift. I always felt guilty that I hurt such a pious woman.

To make it more complicated she is in a relationship with my cousin (45M). My parents love her. Uncle and aunt love her. Even my cousin's kids love her. She never discriminated between her kids and mine. She always sends some cookies or extra food for my son with her kids whenever it is their visitation time.

She even met my son and treats him like her own. For the longest of time I wondered why she is like this? Is she trying to win her husband back? I even asked her why she doesn't hate me when I was her husband's mistress. I am obsessed with her, in a bad way.

She told me she doesn't see the point because whether or not she hates me her marriage was over anyways. I am jealous of her. She is not just beautiful but also graceful.

I know I was very much younger than her when my husband started the affair but I can say she is much better looking than I am. Even if I took her place in her husband's life but I can never be her.

Edit: I knew very well I wasn't going to be treated like a good person here. I know I am not a good person either for breaking up a home. So, I am editing this to clear few things out.

I know I made typos. I wrote this in a hurry. I didn't even have time to reverse what I wrote. I am not in a good position right now and yes it is because of my husband too. But that is a story I will share later. I fixed the typos I hope it is clear to you all.

Yes, I like her a lot. She is an amazing human. I am glad I don't have any ex wife drama in my life. And yes a part of that really makes me insecure because I keep trying to find a fault in her.

Because even my own parents like her when she attended the family functions as my cousin's girlfriend. My cousin and her met each other a year ago when he was visiting me and she came to drop off my kid along with hers.

She sometimes invites my son to her house that's why she herself dropped him off. I asked her to stay for dinner and there my cousin and her hit it off and decided to date. That's pretty much it. Also no, this was not written by her. She doesn't use social media that much as far as I know.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top comments:

prettiergenghi writes:

Not only she got rid of the cheater but got a new boyfriend and is revered by everyone. Good for her.

practicalcicada writes:

Maybe part of you thinks that if he can cheat and leave a beautiful, graceful, forgiving woman with whom he had built a life with, he will eventually leave his mistress and it won’t be as easy for you to pick up the pieces. You reap what you sow. I also have a lot of regrets.

queasywinter writes:

She is a beautiful person inside and out. You obviously have to work on your self. You can’t change the past but you can always be a better you in the future. Take the template and work towards the parts you envy. She sounds amazing. You can be too.

itsybitsy writes:

Dang she’s almost killed you with kindness. And she’s not even trying. She just sounds very kind. I too strive to be nice and liked, just for the good of it. I’m not sure about much, but it seems like you just keep saying how kind she is.

I’d like to add, since this got a few upvotes, that people who don’t have the life they desire tend to be jealous of those with good lives. As others have stated, just work on yourself.

Don’t focus on being BETTER or spite, or to have one over on someone. Do it for yourself. Take care of your health, and your mind. Be kind to others. Let it radiate off of you.

Because I believe that’s what you strive for, and can accomplish. I’m not saying you’re jealous.. can be or maybe not, but everyone strives to have a happy life and there’s nothing wrong with that.

It is wrong to be mad others have a happy life out of misplaced anger that you don’t have the life you want. Just be the best you that you can be. It’s a lifestyle. It takes work everyday. I strive for it everyday and you can too. We can all be happy.

datguy17 writes:

Well, I ain't sorry for her, lol She really has no self respect! She saw this man and thought "oooh, I want to have him" instead of "someone like him"! Nope, had to be this particular basket of idiocy and lo and behold, of course he still loves his ex!

Does he really, tho? Nah, he just doesn't like that her grass seems greener than his! The ex, tho?! MVP! She out there killing everyone with kindness xDDDD, not skipping a step and moving on with life! That touch of her and OOP's cousin dating? Goodness, karma never felt so good xD

Of course that she is now tied to this guy before the whole truth came out, because they have a kid, welp.

mechaburra writes:

Maybe you needed to get a married man because that’s easier for you to shine compared to the official wife. It’s easier to get a man that is unhappy in his marriage than a single guy who has no comparison to make.

You were expecting an evil ex -wife that would make you feel like his saviour. You should really work on being a better person because you cannot change that situation without causing much drama and hate, even if you think it would make you feel better.

People are not you and will side with her, without any doubt. At least you have some clarity right now. Maybe (probably) you’re a better fit for your husband than her and just go along with it.

They were not in love anymore anyway, so take that as a proof that they were not meant to be together. Be kind and gentle, do your best. See her classy act as something to learn from. I hope you’ll find peace in working on your insecurities.

smartspace writes:

I completely despise cheaters, affair partners turned wife. I highly respect the ex wife first off and most importantly she has class and a true heart. Karma will hit both you and your husband in the end there's no running away from it.

And it sounds like karma is already showing up at your husband's face how is his oldest daughter able to respect a coward that cheats disrespects marriage what marriage stands for and shows that he has no regards about anyone except himself.

His parents also is ashamed and disappointed in their son because to them they think they didn't raise him right.

The ex wife is the real hero and true human here. The two younger kids will never have a close relationship with their father and its because he destroyed their home their lives. And what are you going to teach your son hey it's okay to cheat to ruin lives it's quite okay to cheat.

I'm also going to say the oldest daughter is completely old enough to decide for herself if she wants any relationship with her father or if she wants him at any major events in her life especially if she would get married because he and you do not respect marriage what the meaning of vows is.

And karma what the both of you did well karma has a special way to hit you when you least expect it.

Karma the ex meets a man that truly respects her treats her like a human being a woman and all the kids decide he is a better father figure to them and changes their last name to his. This could very well happen but the ex wife will always be better then you and your husband.

lavenderdearest writes:

Well, the ex wife clearly has class and integrity. You were the home wrecker. Your morals are different, your class and grace is different, and deep down you know that. You tried to take to make a beautiful and wonderful woman feel low by stealing her man.

Little did you know the man wasn’t why she was that way, and it only made her shine brighter. Now, you’re stuck with her for life, she is a constant reminder of what you can’t obtain because you don’t seem to be able to grasp that you’re jealous of her because your actions are a bright light on your lack of remorse, and class.

And her actions through this made everyone around see how classy and ladylike she is, and you couldn’t take that from her. So, if you want to make get rid of your jealousy you should learn from her, instead of hate her. Because she is everything I’m sure you wish you were. Props to her!

Then, a few days later, OP provides this update:

I made a post few days ago. There I vented my frustration about how my husband's ex was so good. Yes a part of me was jealous of her. She was so nice and kind. Her kids are really well behaved. I know they will never accept me as their part of family but they haven't been mean to me or to my son in anyways.

Till now I thought the problem was my husband's ex. But no. The problem was him. I do not know how it came to this. I agree when we started dating he was married. He told me his marriage was already over and he would be getting a divorce soon.

Their marriage had problems. That's all I knew. The problem started almost few months ago. I could see him being distant towards me. I know couples go through stages in life where they have been distant towards each other.

I tried to give him space that he needs. Before getting married we went to pre-marital counseling because my husband was really adamant to not screw up. For those months there was no intimacy.

I didn't think he would cheat because he wasn't late or hid anything on his phone. Then when we finally became intimate and made love, he said his ex-wife's name. That is when I froze. Why? Next day I confronted him.

He didn't lie to me. He broke down in tears and said that he is still in love with his ex. My heart broke. I guess I know how she must have felt when I was the other woman. I asked him if he really loved her why did he marry me. I got the full picture after 6 fg years.

Yes they had problems but according to my husband it was his fault. He never confessed his affair. His ex-wife found out about the affair on her own and confronted him.

He was ready to make the marriage work but before that his wife served him divorce papers. The last thing she said to was she is giving him the freedom he wants. My husband said he begged and pleaded.

His ex was smart. She only kept the house and 50-50 for the kids. She even explained the kids the reason for their divorce. His oldest daughter knew the actual reason but the other two were given a kid friendly reason. On top of his divorce and his oldest daughter not talking to him really put a toll in his mind.

I was there for him. He thought that he should move on with his life with me instead. But deep down he always loved her. He always feels guilty for hurting her. I understand all of that.

But I don't understand why now? He said he wants to start a new life with me. I apologized to everyone. I do not hate his ex. It's him that I am mad. He is a weak man. I am not better woman.

He will always have a place in his heart for her because they have been together since teenagers. I notice the signs now. Whenever he would see his ex with her new boyfriend he would get upset.

He tried to hide it but I know why. I am living in the guestroom until we sort this thing out. I guess y'all are happy. Because I am getting what I deserve.

Readers continued to weigh in on OP's update:

gurlwithdragontat2 writes:

I don’t think you’ve learned a lesson, because no one wants you to be miserable. They wanted you to be accountable, which you still are not.

You wanted to feel superior, to feel chosen, to feel like you were the first and best pick, but you entered into a situation, where that could literally never be true. Because if that was the case, he would’ve left his ex before attempting a relationship with you. The cruelty was the point.

You enjoyed making/imagining her feeling less than and foolish. You reveled in that, and thought less of her. Now you’re standing in the mirror and instead of seeing her, you see yourself.

I said on your last post that the reason she is able to find happiness is because she has self-respect. I still stand by that statement.

Sure, he is a person with no self respect who begged for a relationship he intentionally sabotaged, but you have basked in the turmoil of him demolishing their life. You did not care. You had no empathy, yet you’re expecting so much.

He lied to his ex and had an affair, whether he later admitted or not, so why did you think he could never lie too you?? That is something that I simply do not understand about people who enter into relationships as APs.

You agreed with his values until they negatively affected you. So again, this is less about him being weak, and more about you.

You need to take accountability for yourself and stop placing blame on the ex or even on your husband no matter how pathetic he is. The circumstances of your current life are based around your decision-making.

thisisastupidname writes:

Hookup with a married man and be surprised when it doesn’t work out? Smh You know he would cheat on you with her in a second if he had the chance. If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you. That’s a fact. At least he was actually honest now and you can make whatever decision you want.

A lifetime of knowing your partner would rather be with someone else does not sound like fun to me though.

godofwarboy writes:

Wait a minute, your husband after his ex wife found out about the affair wanted to work it out with his wife. And begged her to take him back, she declines and so he just said, "oh well" and married you!!

The embarrassment I would feel if that happened to me. You are literally his consolation prize. He married you because she refused to take him back. Think about that for a second.

And this man is saying her name while you''re having sex! Bettcha he never said your name when he was with his wife. WOW.

You have to eat a MASSIVE L on this one lady. I mean damn. And the fact that she's dating your cousin and your entire family loves her. Meanwhile he gets mad when he see's that she moved on.

Even though he has a whole ass baby with you, and he's jealous of your cousin because he's with his ex wife. L to you my friend. Hold that massive L.

atrong8 writes:

Nobody's, perfect. I mean if you guys had fallen in love with each other and when about things in the right way that would have been one thing but it's exactly what a couple of other people had said here.

You just constantly put yourself into competition with this woman who apparently is quite a lovely woman. I mean technically, you weren't married to her so you don't owe her anything. However, the way you went about it was not considering how the other person might feel so now that's basically karma biting you in the ass.

I've made bad choices when I was younger too about men who were attached. To be fair, I was in my early 20s so it was never anything serious like marriage or anything like that. But I definitely handled myself differently. Maybe it's time to take some time for yourself. Focus on your own life and the best priorities.

shellyxyx writes:

After my parents split up, my dad's family greatly preferred my mother to my stepmother. Mom would call his sisters to check in, have lunch when they were in the same place at the same time, happy birthdays,...

After Katrina his parents moved in with my mom, not with him, when their house needed extensive repairs. She was always family to them, stepmother and stepsister not so much. They're always cordial and friendly, but to those of us who see their interactions with both, it is readily apparent who the favored one is.