Woman marries affair partner; threatens divorce after husband's disturbing behavior with ex-wife and her new BF. AITA? UPDATED 2X; PART 2 OF 2
When this woman's relationship with her husband (who was her affair partner) blows up, she shares Part 2 of the story:
"It's over. I cannot believe this."
Well, it´s over. We are separating. He is moving out in a few months and is sleeping in a separate room. We will need to sell the house and make arrangements for visitation. I feel drained, heartbroken and confused.
A friend suggested i snoop through his electronics. Did not find anything on his laptop or phone. He took a day off work to help his son move and left his work computer. I decided to check that one too and BINGO.
Opened the internet tap to look at browsing history and got automatically logged onto his email account. Email and upon email sent to his ex-wife starting about 3 years ago and to his former friend about six months ago. I am telling you guys, Romeo has nothing on this guy and guess what....
The ex-wife did only reply a few time to kindly tell him to f off into oblivion. He was begging her to take him back, saying how he made the biggest mistake of his life and that she was the love of his life. The sun and the moon is rising in her ass according to this 50+ year old love sick puppy.
How pathetic is that? The former friend however gave him a good dose of reality and called him out on his bullshit. I was in chock. Took my boy to my dads and stayed the night.
Left the boy with my dad the next day and went back home to confront him. Printed out some emails and had it all prepared. After all if this man knows anything it is how to lie through his fucking teeth.
Expected him to deny or to at least defend himself, say he was not thinking straight, beg for forgivness. To my surprise, he was calm and collected, did not deny anything and answered all my questions straight. He said he loves me but is not in love with me, not sure if he ever was.
Probably infaturated. Said the death of a family member woke him up to realise he lost his family and friends. Learning his ex-wife was moving on with her life opened up his eyes to all the pain and devestation he caused. Therapy made him stripp down his defenses, examine his choices and coping skills.
He thinks he had a midlife crises and it went too far. Said he wanted to be a better man and earn his ex-wifes forgivness by being a more present father to their sons to make up for all the hurt he caused day by day.
Said he was truly and deeply sorry for hurting me, that I deserved a man who fully loved me and that he regrets wasting so many years of my life. Said he loves our son and will always be there for him as an involved father. Wanted to tell me before I got pregnant but decided to wait until our son was older.
There is so much more but this is it in a nutshell. I feel dumb and used, heartbroken and confused. Angry. So angry. But there are better days ahead I am sure of it. I just wish I was not part of his midlife crises joke. How pathetic that a 50+ year old man does not know his mind! How will I ever learn to trust another man again?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
pubenemy writes:
Yes but I don't see op as being any better. She is playing the victim here.
Ironically she is now in the position that she put his ex-wife in. Actually she's still in a better position than the ex-wife because she's younger and she is actually getting money for a residence instead of having to lie to her children, go through a mental breakdown and build a house because hers is half finished.
I not to mention that she doesn't have to deal with an AP partner. She doesn't have to face her and have to have her children get to know her as a possible step parent.
She's not dealing with the self-esteem and self-confidence issue of having your husband leave you for a woman who is significantly younger than you are. Opie is still sitting pretty good.
I can understand why Op is upset but she can't just bash her SO because she's not a great person either. She keeps saying that he is this horrible person who caused all this pain , but what is she ? Is it different because she is now on the receiving end?
Perhaps she needs to look in the mirror and say this is karma. I will do better. I will teach my son to do better in the future. I will raise him to be a good man. I will never try to steal my happiness from someone else's.
cahra76 writes:
YTA. Its so satisfying seeing the other woman getting karma as well. She made her bed, she doesn't get to complain about it.
Also, she didn't learn her lesson, the minute she says that she will only go for a married man after he divorces his wife, tells me more than enough that she is open to being manipulated again into this kind of relationship with the same outcome.
Although she says that she respects the ex wife, i have a feeling telling me that she didn't in the first place and was only thankful that the exwife didn't drag her name through the mud like she anticipated, no woman respects the other if she willingly sleeps with her husband behind her back, and she has no shame whatsoever.
garma writes:
Lmao I honestly don't feel bad for her at all! I can't tell you how tired I was of reading "I was so naive".... like, nah, you actively chose to ignore everything in front of you. Someone leading a completely separate life from their husband doesn't send a years worth of heartbroken emails!
Turns out he'd been emailing her too! She took MINIMAL accountability. I'm willing to bet he gave his ex wife the same bs "friendship" line at the end too. It honestly seems like she was NEVER supposed to be a permanent thing. He only brought her around others and out AFTER they'd been caught.
It's like he got caught, refused to admit he fd up (because younger woman and fun) so he doubled down on it kept it going because you can't win the young hottie jackpot twice. Then marriage. He was getting the upper hand, so it was fine.... until it wasn't!
I hope 1st wife is sailing somewhere clevaged to the gods, popping champagne on her boat with her new boo! Maybe he'll propose!!! Fingers crossed!!!
And now, OP's first update of Part 2:
Someone asked for me to provide more details but honestly there is so much and I am not sure which detales are relevant to tell this story. In short to answer some of your questions...
He is planning on renting an apartment until our house sells and then he will probably buy something close to us (me and son). That is his only concrete plan for now. As far as I am aware he does not have anyone waiting for him (but how can I be sure knowing what I know this man being capable of?).
He said he was tired of all the lies and that he could hardly look his older sons in the eyes. If his sons found out about the affair their relationship would never be the same. He said he knows that it is unrealistic for him and his ex-wife to get back together and he has no intention on persuing her further.
But he does want to make amends for all the hurt he has caused his family by starting to become the man he was before we got together. Someday he might even come clean to his sons and take responsibility for his actions.
He is hoping his ex-wife will someday forgive him and at least consider being his friend. As for me, he wants us to be co-parents and he hopes one day I will forgive him as well and be his friend (makes my blood boil... WHY WOULD I WANT A FRIEND LIKE HIM?).
He will give me portion of the profit from the house once it sells and will be generous paying child support. I will get the car... Seven years and I get some money, a child to raise and a car. Oh, and a friend, if I am forgiving that is. Wow.
Right now I am raging with emotions on all spectrums. I am desperate for answers but don´t even know what the f to ask. I guess I am lucky that he is willing to answer my questions. His ex-wife, whome he blindsided and left with two teenage boys and a half built house in the burbs got mostly stonewalled. So there is that.
Update 2 of Part 2:
Oh yes, I am staying away from married men in the future. If one I happend to like makes a move and tells me how unhappy he is in his "dead" marriage I will tell him to come back when his divorce is final and we will see where this goes.
Little off topic but do you guys ever think about the term "dead marriage"? I mean my EX told me the sob story of him and his wife living separate lives, never time for eachother, little to no boring sex, roommate type of arrangement etc...
When I listened to that I first thought, wow what a horrible way to live. Now with a baby, sleepdepravation and tiredness, I can truthfully tell you that we do live separate lives, we don´t have sex often and when we do it is fg boring.
And we are partners trying to get through the day to day challenges raising a child, there is very little to no time for us to take a glass of red wine in the evening to decompress.
This might fall under the definition of a "dead marriage" to him. What fg bullshit he has been telling me. His first marriage was never "dead"! His wife was barely keeping her head over the water while he was fg another woman. She did not kill it. He did. OMG! I have so much to unpack here. Sorry for the rant.