Woman in 'moral dilemma' refuses to pay for brother's wedding after discovering his affair. AITA?
"AITA for Refusing to Pay for My Brother's (M28) Wedding After Discovering His Secret? (F30)"
(30F) am in a moral dilemma and need your help. I come from a very traditional and tight-knit family. Growing up, my younger brother, Tom (28M), and I were always close. Our parents passed away when we were young, and I've always felt a responsibility to take care of him.
Tom recently got engaged to his girlfriend, Sarah (26F), and they're planning a big wedding. Since our parents aren't around, I promised to help pay for the wedding as my way of showing support and love for Tom.
A few weeks ago, I was out with some friends and bumped into Tom at a bar. He was with another woman, and they were being very affectionate. I was shocked and confronted him on the spot. He tried to brush it off, saying she was just a friend and it was nothing serious.
But my gut told me something was off, so I did some digging. I found out that Tom has been seeing this other woman, Rachel (25F), for almost a year. He even has a separate apartment where they meet up.
When I confronted him again with this information, he confessed and begged me not to tell Sarah. He claimed he loves Sarah and that Rachel means nothing to him. I was furious. I told him that he had to come clean to Sarah or I would. He refused, saying it would destroy her and ruin the wedding. I couldn't believe he was being so selfish and deceitful.
I decided that I can't, in good conscience, support his wedding anymore. I told him that unless he tells Sarah the truth, I won't pay for the wedding. Tom is now furious with me and says I'm ruining his life. He accused me of being jealous and not wanting him to be happy.
Sarah has no idea what's going on, and I feel terrible. I don't want to hurt her, but I also don't want to enable my brother's deceit. Our family is split, with some saying I should stay out of it and others agreeing that Tom needs to be honest. So, AITA for refusing to pay for my brother's wedding after discovering his secret?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Scarlet_Duk said:
NTA, stand your ground, this man is not ruining his life, he’s ruining his own life, he’s cheating on this poor girl Sarah, she deserves to know the truth whether it comes from you or himself. I would tell her immediately. He made his bed, he should lie in it.
Very-last-boyscout said:
NTA. You actually owe it to your brother, to get him a reality check. Your brother has issues. Obviously loosing his parents at a very young had an affect on him. Now he desperately wants to get married although he is in no position to actually get and more importantly BE married.
Usually I'm not a fan of an ultimatum. But here, the best you can do is, tell your brother he's got two days to come clean to his fiancé. After these two days, you will do it for him. And of course, you won't pay for his wedding. There will be no wedding. At least not for quite a while. Period.
Cool-change-1994 said:
NTA for paying for a wedding on what will likely be a short lived marriage. No one means nothing when you’ve been dating almost a year and you’d risk a relationship with someone you asked to marry. Why are these cheaters so dumb?
dncrmom said:
NTA if he can afford an apartment for his mistress her can afford to pay for his own wedding. Tell his fiancée. Divorce is expensive.
ComprehensivePut5569 said:
NTA - Tell your brother you are not going to fund a wedding when he’s already on the path to divorce with his behavior. If he wants to throw away his own money then he can. He’s already ruined his life. He’s just trying to make you the villain when he’s the real villain here.
Staring-At-Trees said:
NTA, you promised to help but people are allowed to change their minds about things, you made this promise before this new information came to light.
As regards what to do, I'm not sure anyone can tell you the 'right' answer, it's a tricky one. I wonder if it might help to try fast forward and ask what you might regret more in (say) 5 years time?
PS you're not ruining his life, he is, potentially at least. Whilstever he's canoodling with Rachel in public places, anyone could spot him and dob him in. These things have a tendency to become known sooner or later.