Woman moves out and leaves BF after his ex dies; says, 'I can't be a parent.' AITA?
"AITAH for leaving my boyfriend when his ex died leaving him to take care of his kids full time?"
I (F26) have been with my bf (M30) for 2 years now. He has two kids (M6, F4) with his ex gf. She moved to another state with kids to be near her family when they broke up three years ago. He got them on vacations only.
I knew all this when I started dating him. I had no issue with this but told him forefront I can't be a parent. I was parentified by my mom and raised my 5 younger siblings.
The oldest of them is 6 years younger to me and I had to change his diapers and feed him formula. I went LC with my family went I left home at 18. I can't imagine doing that again.
He was also snipped after last kid and didn't want more kids. He was fine with me not wanting to be a parent and just be a bonus adult. We were taking it slow and I didn't even meet his kids until a few months back. We took a trip together and got along great.
Things changed 2 months ago when his ex died. Kids were really crushed as they moved into his house. We were not living together but he asked if I could move in to help him out. Just for a while.
I couldn't refuse and stayed. But I started hating it again. I hated how clingy the kids became and how much responsibility I had. I did my best but my mental health started getting worse everyday. I didn't even get help from my bf, cause he was struggling too.
Last week was especially bad since younger kid had cold and wanted me to nurse her back to health exactly as her mom would have. The soup wasn't the same, the song and story wasn't told the same way, I didn't hug her the way her mom did etc were some of the long list of complaints.
I know she is grieving but I was already working from home, and stressed too. When I told my bf he should take over he said they need me more since I am a mom. It triggered me. I didn't want to be held to a mom's responsibilities again. I told him I can't do this. He said I needed to stop acting like a child and step up.
I understood if I stayed my whole life would be like this. Never measuring up. Never being enough. And all the responsibilities of a mom. I left yesterday. Moved in with a friend. My bf (ex bf) is blasting my phone calling me an AH. AITAH?
Here's what top commenters had to say:
DutchMill693 said:
NTA "He said I needed to stop acting like a child and step up." your 26 and that ain't your kid. You're not even married.
fromthismessage said:
NTA. They don’t need a new mom, they need their father to step up.
LaLunaLady1960 said:
"When I told my bf he should take over he said they need me more since I am a mom." NTA and good for you on moving out. You shouldn't have to be unwillingly parentified a second time. It does look like he planned on making you the "main parent" instead of himself.
Glittering_Season117 said:
NTA. As heartbreaking as this all is, this isn't what you signed up for and you were up front with him from the beginning about not wanting to be a parent. Had you stayed, your mental health would have continued to decline and sooner or later the kids would have picked up on the resentment you would undoubtedly feel. Kids don't deserve that and neither do you.
anonymys said:
NTA. No one should feel obligated to parent someone else's kids, and you've already done that once. Don't do it again if your mental health isn't up to it.
ReflectionSweet7222 said:
NTA. I would feel very differently if when you brought it up your boyfriend had said something along the lines of "I'll try to be more involved but I need your support on this" but a reaction of "but you're the mom" does not bode well for the dynamic he's expecting.
You were willing to compromise by moving in and helping out, I think it's totally fair to not be able to stick it out if he is not able to also compromise and meet you halfway.
JadieJang said:
NTA. It's perfectly reasonable to expect to be the fun auntie when your bf's kids are in another city. It's just not a common expectation for a young mother to die.
Circumstances changed radically and your bf did not only not respect your boundaries, but he put HIS OWN responsibilities on you. Whether or not you wanted kids, that's not a man you want to have kids with.