'AITA for moving out after my mom announced her pregnancy?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for moving out after my mom announced her pregnancy?"

I'm 22F, my mom is 37, and I have 3 younger siblings F14, F7 and M4. Me and the 2nd oldest have different dads from each other and the other 2. They and this upcoming baby all have the same dad, our stepdad. I'm sorry if that was confusing. There are 3 dads in total but only our stepdad is involved now.

I was the babysitter and "mom" growing up. When my sister was born I magically became mom despite not even being double digits. When the others came I still was mom. I didn't get to have fun, go out, or be a kid. My job in the house was to cook, clean, raise my siblings and deal with our mom.

She was incredibly immature growing up and loved to drink, party, spend money on luxuries and not be a mom. She acts more like a mom now but a lot of the work still falls on me.

She robbed my of my childhood and I'm very bitter about it. The only reason I lived at home for so long was because no one would/could take me in and I felt that I could tolerate it all for free rent and food. It was a good deal for me then, but I'm 22 now. I'm done being a mom when I don't even have kids.

Last year my stepdad's parents died in a car accident and as their only child he got everything. We all moved into their home and got a bit of money under our belts so I guess they decided to have a baby.

When my mom announced it I asked if she was serious. She confirmed and asked me if I still had my diaper changing skills as a joke. I was silently livid. I dryly laughed and found some roommates online that night. The thought of wasting another 10+ years raising my siblings sounded like Hell.

She found out that I'm planning on leaving come August and now she's irate calling me every name under the sun and selfish. She got my siblings involved and the youngest is crying asking why I don't love them anymore and why I'm leaving. It's really low to use kids like that and it hurts.

I don't want to stay but I don't want them to cry. I know I'm doing the right thing for myself but is it the right thing for them? My mom never really parented growing up. She wouldn't, so I took over that role. I was the one who changed diapers and taught them their ABCs and all that.

I was the one who cooked dinner and bathed them. I look at none of my siblings as siblings but as my own kids because that's what they basically are. I don't think she'll be able to do a good job. She and my stepdad rely on me heavily in that category. AITA for leaving? I need advice on how to get over this feeling and move on.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

novelad writes:

This is what my mom did and when I left she did it to my sister, though my sister set more boundaries and moved out during high school (like went to a friend’s house from church and the parents told her she could stay) for a bit and refused to come back home unless she could be a regular teen.

She also left as soon as she finished high school. My sister resented me for a long time because I “left her.” But she recognized it later and we are close now.

Your siblings will not stop loving you. You tell them you need to start your life since you’re an adult now and will ALWAYS love them and be there for them. You just have to do it somewhere else because your mom won’t let you grow up like you need to. Leave letters/cards for each of them when you move to remind them how much you love them.

Lastly, you might consider talking to your sister’s guidance counselor or school psychologist to let them know you’re moving out, your mom has parentified you and now will try to do so with your sister so they can check in on her.

I did that and they pulled my sister in to check in and get her counseling at school and called mom in for a meeting to discuss what’s appropriate responsibility for a teen. It gives her an advocate and they may help teach her to set boundaries.

ratchet40 writes:

100 % NTA! Yikes, get out now before the baby comes. I'm sorry you had to be a mom as a kid, that really does suck and is not fair. I also am the oldest and frequently had to watch my siblings but I certainly didn't raise them.

I understand the guilt of leaving your siblings behind but you have to live your life. You're so young, go out and enjoy life! Talk to your siblings, tell them this has nothing to do with them and you will see them regularly.

Maybe pick a day every week to come by and spend time with them. I hope everything works out OP, this will be tough.

satinjerk writes:

Oh man, we have such similar stories it’s insane. Being the oldest daughter with a mother like that is such a hard thing to live through. You’re forced to grow up in ways nobody can understand because you’re not just growing up quick for your own survival, you’re taking care of literal babies while still being a kid yourself.

I completely understand the bitterness to the lost childhood years. I’m 26 now and I still have my moments where I remember and get angry. Your siblings don’t understand right now and it’s heartbreaking when they’re used as pawns.

My advice to you, move out. Cut off your mom (it took me YEARS to get to that point and I wish I had done it sooner) Your siblings will grow up and they’ll understand. I just told the eldest of my younger siblings of my stepdads kids how it was and why I left, and he understood entirely. They just don’t know at that age.

Go out into the world & live your life for you. It’s very hard to adjust at first and might even feel empty. My brain was trained to be my siblings mom so I felt like I’d lost my own kids for a very long time. I suggest getting therapy. It’s going to be hard especially if she’s acting this way.

She’s not getting what she wants so she’s gonna run you down emotionally & mentally because now she doesn’t have any other way to control you. You are NTA. You are done being on survival mode. It’s time to live girl.

butcherbir writes:

NTA What your mother did to you is a kind of abuse, it's called "parentification." Tell your mom you've spent more than enough of your life raising HER children. If she still doesn't understand why you're leaving, tell her to watch the first season of Shameless, (the TV show.) You sound like Fiona.

Do your best to explain to your siblings that you love them, but you're their sister, not their parent, and you've grown up, and at some point when people grow up, they move out of their parents' home, and maybe start their own families some day.

Let them know moving out is not about them, it's just a normal thing to do as an adult, and someday they'll move out too. Reassure them that they'll still be able to contact and see you. But you GET OUT, before your "mother" does it to you all over again. You are clearly NTA, in any way.

potenta6 writes:

Girl I dunno what took you so long and had to get another pregnancy announcement to decide. When I graduated high school I dipped like an oil stick and got my own place.

I also made the most immature and stupid decisions that I wish I could go back and do that year again and make smarter choices but I couldn't live with my mom any longer than I had to, she was violent aggro to me and I probably would have caught a charge if I stayed any longer.

My sister was 5 years younger than me and felt I kinda took off and didn't think about how she'd be alone all the time since our mom spent all her time at the bar back then but she understands because she knew mom was violent with me and she was not violent with my sister.

I was the one that "didn't listen" "stayed out past curfew" "Didn't do what she told me to do" ETC. My sister is the straight edge walk the line one.

But your siblings will probably miss having you there and they MIGHT feel abandoned so just be ready for that part because you're their parent not their sister and have been for some time. They relied on you heavily so they will notice you gone.

brassoa writes:

I understand why you're feeling the way you do. This is a tough position to be in. I would tell the siblings, in age-appropriate language, that your mom is just mad and is trying to punish you for leaving.

That you love them and you always will. I don't know if I would go so far as to say you'll always be there for them because your mother could use them again to her advantage using that. You'll have to use your best judgment on that one.

You are NTA at all. How is your relationship with your stepfather? Is there any way you can tell him your side of the story and get your mom to back off? Tell him that using her other children as weapons against you is inappropriate at best?

She is still making bad decisions but there is nothing that says you have to clean up her mess. Sit your 14-year-old sister down and explain to her how to manage your mother because this burden now falls onto her.

You might tell her, if this is possible, it as soon as she turns 18 she can come to you. Do your best to keep in touch with them and remind them every time that you love them and none of this is their fault. Then, of course, there is the nuclear option of calling CPS on your mother.

Good luck and try not to go overboard with reclaiming your childhood with all your newfound freedom. Be careful out there and have fun starting your life.

And now, OP's 1st update (with more comments and responses from OP):

Edit: holy shit this kind of blew up when I wasn't expecting it to. Thanks everyone for the kind messages. You all are right, I need to go. My mom and stepdad need to figure it out.

I'm going to talk to all 3 of my siblings and explain that me leaving is normal and a good thing. I'll always be a phone call away. I'm most worried about my 14yo sister though and will not hesitate to get authorities involved if I suspect she's going through what I went through or she tells me herself. I'll be giving her a different type of talk soon to try and prevent her from becoming the new mom.

Thanks everyone :) If I update again it'll be after I've already moved out. I really appreciate your guys' support. It's giving me the strength to do what's right even if it's hurting. My mom and stepdad can hire a babysitter with his inheritance if they really can't do it.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Comment:

No leave now… it’s getting way manipulative and your mom seems like the queen of making poor choices as it is. Like Jesus. Run for you life remain in contact with your siblings but it’s not your obligation to be a mother to your moms kids.

OP responded:

I agree with her being the queen of bad decisions. When I was born I could excuse it because she was so young and needed guidance. My grandparents (her parents) were permissive and let her do whatever she wanted with little to no consequences.

It was really fun when I was a kid kid because, well, no rules. I moved a lot growing up into her boyfriends houses and stayed with her friends frequently when she went out to party. Eventually, as you might expect, I learned that that wasn’t fun and that I wanted my mom. I would cry and she’d push me aside because she just didn’t want to be a parent.

She’s doing a lot more now like I said in my post but it’s obvious she has no idea what kids are really like. She sees them sort of as decoration because they were always shoved at me. She knows she’s going to have a world of Hell waiting for her once I’m gone.

Comment:

You tell the kids "I love you in my heart, no matter what, always." And you leave because you deserve a life that is not being a domestic servant to your mother's failed birth control philosophy.

You being parentified at such a young age is a form of abuse. Sit down with your 14F sister and explain what happened to you, and that she can't let it happen to her. Your mom will come after her next.

It would be a very good idea to get a therapist to help you reframe exactly how badly you have been treated and why you need to leave. You can't help the other kids, really, until you help yourself first.

OP responded:

I thought about my sister a lot as well which is what makes this so hard. I took the brunt of everything so she wouldn’t have to. I wanted her to be a kid. 14 is way too early to be a parent and I know that that’s what will happen to her.

I know that she’ll just do what she’s told and she’s responsible enough to realize when things aren’t working and she’ll try to fix them herself and fall into that trap.

I don’t know how to have that conversation with her without my household exploding but I know that it needs to be done. My two little siblings have just been crying and crying thinking that I’m never coming back. Even though I tell them that I’ll come visit, my mom keeps telling them that I’m never coming back and abandoning the family.

Update 2:

Hello everyone! I just want to say thank you again for your kind words and encouragement. You have no idea what they meant to me. I moved out and everything is going fine.

My mom and step dad blocked me but my 14 yo sister is so far doing fine. I talked to all my siblings individually but it was rough in more ways than one.

I had an explosive argument with my mom the day I left but that was to be expected. She said nothing new. She called me selfish, a brat, a terrible daughter, and said that she wished she had aborted me. Nothing I haven't heard before.

About a week or so before I moved out I stopped doing most of the things I did before. My parents freaked out and we had a lot of arguments but I'm happy it's over with. Every time they saw me a comment was said either to my face or under their breath.

My mom would act like I was invisible and talk shit about me to whoever was around. She filled my siblings heads up with bullshit and I was incredibly stressed about it. I actually considered staying at that point. I was very close to just staying home, which I know will disappoint you all, but I almost did.

This wasn't an easy transition for my siblings and they're small. It hurt so bad watching them get wrapped up in all of this. My parents had no idea how to do anything for some reason.

They had no patience and couldn't get the kids to listen to them. I know they didn't have much experience in childcare but they were acting brand new. I had a really hard time watching them struggle and watching my siblings suffer because of it. I felt fg horrible and like I was neglecting them.

School is also coming up very soon and I used to always get them together so that's going to be an upcoming problem.

I'm happy that I won't be around for that but I'm sad that I won't be. My little brother will be a kindergartener and my sister will be a freshman in high school. Those are huge milestones I wanted to be around for.

But, on the bright side, my sister is playing the incompetence card all on her own and I love her for it. After our conversation about not turning out like me, she told me she'll pretend not to know how until mom stops asking her which hasn't happened yet.

Apparently mom asks her to cook, wash the kids, get them dressed etc. Little gateway things that will spiral into her being the new mom. I'm proud of her for sticking to her plan for the few weeks that she has.

She's a lot stronger than I thought she was. I really thought that I'd have to drill it into her to not do anything but she's doing a lot better than expected. I just hope she doesn't crumble under the pressure.

I know it's hard. In order to visit I have to be welcomed back into the house but that isn't going well since I'm blocked. I don't want my sister being the middle man even though she's already trying. I want to see everyone but without permission there's nothing I can do.

And, if anyone cares about my new move, my roommates are great! We played Monopoly our first night all settled in and it was a great bonding experience. And they're very clean people. It seems so small but holy shit. It's amazing. I'm loving my current arrangement and hoping it lasts.

So yeah! I'm doing fine, my sister didn't take over my job (and I hope she never does) and my parents are losing their minds as expected. I can see their marriage falling apart in the future too.

They can figure it all out and raise this one start to finish. Part of me is still feeling incredibly guilty for leaving and I sometimes regret it, but my newfound freedom feels so good and I'm reminded of why I left.

I'm going to a bar later tonight with my roommates for the first time in my life to let loose and have fun. It feels so weird to say but I feel like a teenager lmao. Everything is so exciting and feels a bit illegal like I'm out way past curfew.

So thank you again everyone! I don't think I'd have actually moved without your guys' words. Even though I found roommates I don't think I could've left on my own. I wouldn't have committed and probably just stayed home.

I'm not as strong as I thought I was. It really helped me make a decision when I thought about disappointing you guys. I've never met any of you, but having a cheerleader and knowing that so many of you saw my post and wrote me a kind message really helped.

I couldn't be more grateful and excited to live my life. I thought it would be a great time to update since I'm going out tonight to have some fun. Someday all the guilt will be gone and I'll patch up my relationship with everyone.

I still want to have a relationship with my mom someday if she'll change and allow it. As much as I say I hate her, I still sort of love her. She's still my mom. But until then, bye everyone! Thank you all so much.