Reddit user u/Pretty_Signature42 was supposed to be the maid-of-honor at her best friend's wedding, but there's only one problem... her toxic ex-boyfriend is also in the wedding party.
My best friend and I have known each other since we were like 3 and we have always been super close. She's the first of us to get married and I am so happy for her and was so happy to be asked to be her maid of honor.
What she and I were not expecting was for her fiance to consider my ex such a close friend now that he's his groomsman. We knew they kept in touch after I broke up with him but we had no idea they were friends. What's even worse is my ex is using this as a way to try and force his way back into my life.
She gave me a warning when she found out and I agreed to one night out with all six of us (my best friend, her fiance, and their bridesmaids/groomsmen). I was paired with her fiance's brother who is the best man and my ex was with her sister who is a bridesmaid.
But he would not stick around her sister at all. He kept coming over to me. He tried to get me to take him back. He joked that we should go and hook up. He touched me a few times and I had to brush him off. He was just intense.
Our breakup happened a little over two years ago. We were together for five years, lived together, had talked about marriage and babies, and then I heard him mock me to his friends and say disgusting stuff like I was so boring as a person but at least my body was good so he could drown out the rest of me and just focus on my looks.
He mocked me for being sensitive. He also mocked the fact I had low self-esteem from my childhood relating to my family and he told them details only he and my best friend knew.
My best friend asked her fiance if there wasn't anyone else. He told her the two of them got so much closer in the last two years and he truly considers him his closest friend now, so no. He said we should be able to deal with being around each other for a few hours.
I can't have him following me around and trying to win me back. He humiliated me. He said things that I never would have expected out of him. For five years of my life, he got to treat me like that.
We agreed that I should pull out of the wedding. My best friend is so upset and she's upset with her fiance. He's now angry with me and he told me I should have sucked it up for my best friend and followed through on being her maid of honor because it meant so much to her. He told me I was being petty and I should be able to ignore my ex for the sake of my best friend.
I do feel bad. I hate doing this. But I know I would feel like I am trapped in hell if I have to deal with my ex throughout the wedding. There is no doubt in my mind I would be miserable. She knows this too which is why we agreed. But I hate doing this to her. I always dreamed of being in her wedding and now. AITA?
Ordinarily, I'd say suck it up and be there for your friend's big day, but OP's ex is clearly harassing her to a point where it's uncomfortable to even be in the same room together. The bride should demand that her childhood best friend, who she's known her whole life, be the one to stay in the wedding. The dude who's causing all the problems can be the one who gets kicked to the curb.
Commenters are suggesting that this bride may want to reconsider the marriage if her husband-to-be not only condones this abusive behavior but rewards it. Someone needs to inform the groom, 'Brides before bros, dude.'
NTA. The groom is the one prioritizing his friend over the happiness of his bride, and he is trying to get you to suck it up. He could have had a chat with your ex and told him his behavior was unacceptable and that if he tried to get close to you he would be dropped. But he preferred pressuring you so he could have what he wanted. I'd tell your friend that her fiance is trying to pressure you, as that would be a red flag to me.
The ex is a creep and the groom isn't much different IMHO. NTA.
I am so sorry you were having to deal with this. I'm baffled that her fiance doesn't understand that his friend is stalking and harassing you. You should never ask someone to tolerate abuse, that's just gross.
Mostly, I'm concerned for your friend marrying this guy and his sense of 'friendship' over her, his soon-to-be life partner. NTA & do not subject yourself to more abuse.
NTA. But might I suggest still buying a bridesmaid dress and you and her (even alongside the other bridesmaids if you want) having a photoshoot done together - separate to the wedding. A fun and friendly, we love each other and nothing will spoil the memories of us type of thing.
Then at least you have photos to look back on of you all dressed up, in your dresses, even if you can’t be MOH on the actual day itself. Have some fun with it either in a studio or in a beautiful garden and create some lasting memories together!!
In a normal situation where your ex is there but also avoiding you or being polite the 'suck it up' advice makes sense. But this guy is going out of his way to interact with OP in really intrusive ways. Nope. No one needs to just be okay with that.
NTA. Why is it on YOU to ignore him though? Why isn’t HE being told to just leave you the hell alone?
NTA. The groom should be mad at his buddy who's creating a toxic environment for you. All he had to do was put his foot down: stop harassing her or you're out of my wedding party. But no, he'd rather get angry at you for not submitting. Hold firm.
NTA. Her fiancé is putting his friendship over the feelings of his bride. He is disappointing her, not you. Your ex failed the test by approaching and touching you multiple times. His failure should lead to his removal from the wedding party.
If I was your friend I would be postponing the wedding until he is removed or calling it off. Her partner has shown her that he condones that appalling behavior, doesn’t care for her feelings and he is putting bro-code first. He is also failing a test here.