Woman offends sisters; 'I don't want kids because of our family's DNA.' AITA?

"AITA I offended my sisters while explaining why I didn't want children?"

I (28f), have 4 siblings, one of them being disabled. The other three have kids, this post is about A(35F) and B(32F), A have 4 kids (17F, 15M, 14M, 9F), the younger 3 have severe physical and mental disabilities. B have 3 (12M, 7M, 2F), the oldest and middle have the same disabilities as my older sister's children, and the younger have down syndrome.

They are both SAHM, all the children are in the disability programs my country offers but there is not much money left, after all the medical bills of therapy and meds they need. Their husband's have ok jobs, but with the severity of the children's disabilities it is hard to go by.

On the other hand, I am single, child-free by choice, went to university, totally debt free, have a masters, and work from home in my dream field. Last month I bought my first house.

I invited my family and friends for a house warming this Saturday. I paid for two caretakers to care for their children so they could come. Everything was fine and fun. Until the end of the night, my friends had already gone home, and it was the three of us.

They started to talk about me setting down, marrying, and having kids, since I bought a house. I remembered that I didn't want kids. This talk circulated several times. Until they asked me why foi the tenth time. I told them, besides really not wanting to have a child, I love my freedom, I love the life that I already have.

Thinking about our family DNA, that is a high chance of having a disabled child, that means more work and sacrificing, I don't want to sacrifice myself. I want to have money for hobbies, to take care of myself, for expensive clothes and hairdressers, to travel, to live and not just survive.

I love them, they're great mom's but I don't want to make the sacrifices to be the same, I would be an awful and spiteful mom, and no one deserves that.

From everything I said, the only thing they listened to was about not wanting a disabled child. They went on a spiral about how much of a blessing their kids are, how I am an egotistical b&ch, and so much more. They blocked me on social media, and aren't answering me in the family group chat.

My mom called to give me a speech about how my disabled brother (36M)was a blessing in her life, how he is a gift from God, and uninvited me from christmas because my sisters won't come if I come. I called my brother (39), his two children are adopted.

He admitted a long time ago this was due to the high chance of disability in our family. He told me my delivery is rude, but they also suck, they should know not everyone wants kids. He encouraged me to apologize because I know how they are.

Let's see what readers thought:

crispa writes:

NTA, I'm disabled myself. Honestly it sounds more like your sisters want you to make the same decision in order to validate their decisions, which is a very human thing but not really fair to you. You aren't them, they might love having kids and want more and that is valid regardless of what anyone else does or does not want.

Also they are possibly taking out their own struggles with resenting the difficulties on you (No matter how much of a blessing children are, even people who wanted them and who had able bodied kids have moments when they just plain regret having them, it would be much healthier if people admitted and processed this)

Not wanting kids is a valid choice, not wanting them because there is a high risk of disability which means inevitable struggles, plus could be incredibly unfair to the child is also valid.

A lot of people fuss about how not wanting a disabled child is ablist without addressing that the chief reason is we live in an ablist society that begrudges even basic rights for disabled children and adults.

Your sisters need to process their own internal worlds and reconcile the fact that not everyone wants what they want, their decisions are valid regardless of other people, that it's okay to not always be happy about the outcomes of decisions we made.

That they can love their kids and still be mad that it's such a struggle and so difficult sometimes.

cropagy writes:

YTA. Not for not wanting children. That is a very valid desire. But for your delivery. Trashing having disabled children is hurtful to both the children and their parents. One of the saddest conversations I had, which was many years ago, was with someone with Downs Syndrome.

People openly talking about wanting to know if their unborn babies had Downs so they could abort was like telling her she should not exist. It deeply affected her. Just because something is correct does not mean it needs to be said.

fleeez writes:

Yeah there are way too many countries where being disabled is made so much harder by a lack of accessibility and care and comprehension.

I'm also disabled (several physical and mental health problems including fibromyalgia which takes a lot out of me and makes getting around harder) and I'm childfree in large part because i watched my mom struggle to raise 2 kids when she had fibromyalgia and mental health issues and addiction herself; my little sister was also in and out of the hospital with severe asthma for 5 years and it took a huge toll on our family life.

I don't want any of that for myself and I think it's smart to think about what you would do if you had a disabled child because not everyone is prepared for that.

If anything, it's ableist to want children and never ever consider the very real fact that you OR your children could be disabled at any time by a genetic condition or a car wreck or an illness or an injury. Literally any time.

It's not something to dwell on per se but it's something that any reasonable person would bear in mind before they had kids.

You absolutely HAVE to consider your and your partner's financial and emotional capability to handle a long-term illness, an intellectual disability, a physical impediment, a major allergy, a mood disorder, a disgestive tract problem.

It is vital and crucial to think about this and examine yourself and there are plenty of people who simply wish to have a child and are prepared to deal with WHATEVER happens.

But there are too many people out there expecting to have an active intellectual beautiful perfect child that never makes a mistake, never gets too sick, never needs too much and never becomes disabled. That is highly selfish and unrealistic.

winefl writes:

I am also disabled and like OP I am child-free by choice. There are three primary contributing factors to that decision: 1.) I like my life as it is and children would disrupt that,

2.) My disabilities would make it difficult for me to raise even able-bodied and neurotypical children without putting an unfair burden on my spouse and unfair restrictions on the children, and 3.) I know that many of my disabilities are hereditary and I don't want to put a kid through that.

There's a difference between *other people* deciding that disabled folks or people with high family risk factors shouldn't have children and pass on their genes (eugenics), and folks making their own reproductive decisions.

Out of OP and her siblings, 2 chose to have children (and are centering their lives around their children's needs) and 2 chose not to have bio children (because they acknowledge the high family history and probability of disabled children) both of which are valid choices.

If anything, people should be concerned that the disabled sibling's reproductive choices aren't even discussed ... either because his disabilities prevent him from living an independent life with a family of his own (which is a valid factor in...

OP and her brother's decisions about not having bio children) or because they are infantalising the disabled brother and not respecting him as an adult who can make his own decisions about his life.