Woman offers to host Christmas dinner this year; 'I won't be disrespected by the menu again.' AITA?

"AITA for offering to host Christmas dinner this year?"

Long story short: my kids and I have celiac disease which makes meal-times at other people's houses complicated. My mom wants us to come for holiday events, but won't cook gluten free meals and asks that I bring our own food because she says its "too hard" to accommodate our dietary needs.

When I do bring our own food, she is so stressed and freaking out in the kitchen about the meal for everyone else that there is no space for me to heat anything up without being in the way of her cooking stress.

When we don't come for meals, we are treated like sh& rbecause we're not spending enough time with everyone.

This year I offered to host Christmas, she ignored my texts about it until I included my dad in a group text. Now, her and my dad are saying that its too much work for me to host, I'm causing problems by going against the original plan (which was never discussed), and that my other family members will not want to drive 20 minutes longer to our house compared to theirs.

My dad is now saying that my mom does accommodate us because she gets the kids gluten free cookies for dessert (keep in mind they could eat none of the other food.)

Am I the asshole here? When I host people with dietary restrictions, I cook them a full meal they can eat and enjoy. I would never dream of asking them to bring their own food. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

cramtatorium writes:

NTA, but I have a LOT of questions for your mom. How on earth is there nothing gluten-free at Christmas dinner? Turkey ought to be by default, and it's easy to thicken gravy with cornstarch.

The same goes for ham or roast beef or pork. Mashed potatoes don't need flour, nor do most veggie sides. Stuffing and breadcrumbs are the enemy and she considers those unavoidable? Is she doing a beef wellington and yorkshire puddings?

That's insane. A big formal meal like this should be the EASIEST thing to make gluten free. It's sandwiches that are the enemy. My daughter can't have gluten either, and my parents are HAPPY to host her. It requires a bit of extra spending to make sure there are crackers and bread and wraps for her.

But then when it comes to grilled cheeses or quesadillas or tacos or fried fish (which has some gluten free options) or pizza (they found better frozen gluten-free pizzas than I did) or chicken (same as the fish), not only have they checked it out but they are prepared.

As long as the issue here is the actual dish and not the kitchen (which it sounds like it is, since you bring things and can't even share the oven), then you are completely and totally in the right.

Offering to host this dinner is a great way to control what is being eaten. You are certainly at the point of delivering an ultimatum here. You can host, and control the meal, or she can host and accommodate you THOROUGHLY, or you can celebrate in part.

Show up for tea and those cookies and then leave, or come for hot cocoa and cheese, if she can manage to not infect those with gluten somehow.

Jeepers. Even my widowed aunt makes the effort to do SOMETHING DECENT for my daughter when we go to see her. She's very proud of her hosting (deservedly so).

Sometimes, yes, it is a dish with a missing component, like when she did the noodles separate from the stir fry and set my daughter's portion aside. But there's always an attempt made to make her part of the meal, not an outside who happened to get a seat at the table.

If you'd like a turn around, only a poor host makes people bring their own food without making an attempt to accommodate them. A child and grandkids? Jeepers. Again, I say, jeepers.

greig writes:

NTA. Host anyway. Let people decide for themselves if they want to come to yours or not. People who tell you what others do/don’t want to do because they don’t want to do it annoy me.

My mother is one of these types and I live 4,000 miles away from her. Make of that what you will. My dad calls her out on it when she is about to start and she automatically gets upset but she stops.

You’ve been put in a no-win situation and being made out to be the issue when you’re not. Your mother is choosing to be unreasonable and “stressed” about accommodating you and your children. It is not hard to accommodate you and your children , she is choosing to see/make it that way.

Doubt this is the only time your mother has behaved this way about something. Is she unreasonable and/or controlling in other ways when it comes to you?

vowagh writes:

NAH. I am sorry to say this, but is really a pain in the ass to accommodate someone with celiac disease, especially if that is serious. (Normal household is full of wheat flour and etc.)

Your mom is already a stressball about the normal dishes. My mom is the same, no matter that she does the same dishes every year, so nothing complicated and new... It is the way she is, and probably your mom too.

While the ideal solution would be what you said, what about going over early that day and helping her with the regular dishes, then ushering her out to have the kitchen for your special dishes?

afethumble writes:

NTA. My sister has an auto-immune disorder and gluten is a HUGE trigger for her flare ups. It is so much easier for her to host because she can very easily control the menu.

She either gives me a very specific ingredient/brand list and I do the shopping and she cooks, or I just venmo her money for groceries, and help in other ways, like cleaning and setting up/breaking down.

You offered a very reasonable accommodation, and I don’t see how cooking a gluten-free holiday meal in your own gluten-free kitchen, is going to be too much work for you. I just think your mom doesn’t want you to show her up. It says A LOT about your family that they are so unwilling to drive an extra 20 minutes to include you. Just do your own thing.