Woman in an open marriage loses best friend of 20+ years after tumultuous birthday trip. AITA?
"AITA for losing my best friend over a birthday girl’s trip and my open marriage?"
Me (f48) met my ex-bestie (f50) 25 years ago when my husband was playing in a band with a guy she was dating, who we’ll call “Chris." She has had a rough childhood. She came from a family with 5 kids from 4 dads, and her mother had some problems.
There was often not enough food in the house for the kids including her severely autistic brother. Still, she persevered, and got a scholarship to a top-tier school. I was always conscious of this and knew she helped out her brother and family some.
Over our friendship and because my husband I do well financially, it became a regular thing that we would always pay for meals and drinks for her and if joint trips, most of the vacation, if not all of it. We never held it over her or expected anything from it.
I did notice some weird behavior. At my 40th birthday, I booked her into a two room suite with a gay friend and she made me rebook her into her own room because she didn’t want to share a bathroom with him.
When we flew her out to Hawaii to a 30k a week mansion for my husband's 40th, she complained about the airline and had me change it, then got into a fight with my friends because they wouldn’t drive her to get cigarettes because they were hurrying for the big surprise for my husband- a big luau, which she spent the rest of pouting and pulling my attention away from.
Behind all of this is me and my husband’s open marriage. We have been married for 28 years but encountered some problems in the bedroom. This has been working for us for over 10 years. We don’t have fights about it.
I decided to tell my best friend last year that I had been dating a nuclear physicist for 5 years. I even introduced them. She was derogatory towards him and said she didn’t like his shirt. I told her she didn’t have to be involved in that part of my life.
Fast forward to last April. I have planned for a year to take her and another friend to Amsterdam for my birthday. She says she’ll pay me back but I tell her it doesn’t matter.
I get a great 4 star hotel in the historic center. 3 days before we fly out she informs me that she has met a French guy at a tiki convention and he will be joining us for 3 days of our trip. I am stuck. This is my bday, and I thought it was a girl’s trip, but I don’t want her being a sourpuss the whole time so I go along with it.
Long story short: she complains about everything, pays for nothing, gets wasted and burns a day of our trip in bed the next day. I take care of her. She flirts with the French guy then acts shocked when he makes a move on her and fake cries.
She wants to go home early on a Friday night because the Frenchman is tired. I refuse and go out dancing with a guy I meet in a bar. She wants to stay in again. I ask her twice if she wants to go out and she says no. So I go out with the same guy I met at the bar.
In the end all three of us friends say we had a great trip. I thought we did!!! Four months later, she stops talking to me. I get our mutual friend to break the ice. She will only text me because she says she has a plumber in the apartment.
She said she is very upset because I spoke to her like she was a child when our seats on the plane got downgraded because of an aircraft change and I said “Stop complaining."
She said I made her feel unwanted when I went out with the guy when it was supposed to be a girl’s trip. She says she thinks I should be faithful to my husband. She said she didn’t get any say in picking out the hotel room and that I use my money like a cudgel that way.
I said that we should go on friend hiatus. She immediately then blocked our other friend of 25 years who had not been involved at all for “not backing her up." I feel very used and think she is acting very entitled. Am I wrong to end this 25 year friendship?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
MuseVivian said:
NTA. Sounds like she’s been taking advantage of your generosity for years and making every trip about her drama. Friendships should be about support and care but all she did is complain and make everything about her...
She didn't even think twice of bringing a guy on your birthday when in fact it is a girl's trip, lastly, how could she complain so much in a lot of things when she didn't even paid for it loool. She's not being a friend with you, she's using you, so keep distance with her and move on...
ImpactNo2484 said:
Honestly, it sounds like you tried to be a good friend, but she kept acting entitled and ungrateful. You've been nothing but generous, and she just kept complaining. You didn’t do anything wrong by standing up for yourself. If she’s gonna act like that, sometimes it's best to cut ties, especially after 25 years. You deserve friends who appreciate you, not ones who just take.
Comfortable-Focus123 said:
NTA - This person is not your friend, and maybe has never been.
britd53 said:
NTA it sounds like she was just using you to get free things.
Crafty_Special_7052 said:
NTA, but honestly I don’t think she was ever truly your friend, it sounds like she was only friends with you because you paid everything for her and she’d take advantage of that. You don’t want her as a friend. I bet if you stopped paying for her she’d drop you as a friend anyways.
sachmo_plays said:
NTA. She doesn’t appreciate you. She is miserable. Don’t let her bring you down. Keep doing what works for you and your hubs. I bet when you start to think about it, you will realize you weren’t really getting that much out of the friendship. This might give you the perspective to value what and who really matters to you.