Woman 'parents' her best friend's kid at the park, 'boys will be boys.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for 'parenting' my best friend’s kid at the park?"

So I (31F) have been best friends with Carter (32F) since junior high. We’re super close and our kids are too. I have a 3 yr old daughter, Eliana, and she has a 4 yr old son, Levi. We hang out at the park a couple times a week and just let the kids run around while we catch up.

For some background, Carter and I have really different parenting styles. I don’t yell or raise my voice. I grew up in a house with a lot of yelling and I’m just not about that life. I try to stay calm and firm without being scary. Carter is more direct and intense with Levi. That’s her style and I’ve never judged her for it. Every kid is different and we’re all doing our best.

So this happened earlier this week. We were at the park, sitting on a bench a few feet away from the sandbox while the kids played. We were talking about Eliana’s birthday when suddenly I heard Eliana scream crying. I jumped up and went over to check on her. She was holding her head and told me Levi had thrown a bucket at her. I pulled her hand away from her head to see if there was a cut or a bruise but she was fine.

I got down to Levi's level and asked what happened. He said Eliana wasn’t letting him have a turn so he threw the bucket at her. I told him calmly that it wasn’t okay to throw things and asked him to apologize, which he did.

Then I told Eliana that she needs to share and take turns and asked her to say sorry too. They both apologized, gave each other a hug, and I asked if they could play nicely now. They both said yes and seemed fine.

I went back to the bench and Carter asked what happened. I told her and she immediately gave me attitude and said, “I don’t appreciate you parenting my child.” I said, “I wasn’t parenting Levi. It’s not okay that he threw a bucket at her. It's not okay he throws anything at anyone.”

She rolled her eyes, “He’s a boy. Boys will be boys.” I got kind of defensive and said, “Boys will be boys isn’t an excuse or a pass to hurt someone else.” At that point I was over it. I walked over the kids, picked Eliana up and told her to say bye to Levi, grabbed our stuff, and we left.

Later that night I told my husband what happened. He agreed with me and said I wasn’t wrong for stepping in, but he also said maybe I shouldn’t have corrected Levi myself and should’ve called Carter over instead. He suggested inviting her over to smooth things out.

We kind of agreed to disagree on that. I really don’t think I scolded him. I stayed calm and just dealt with what was happening right in front of me. I did what I thought was right in the moment. And honestly, I don’t see a problem with how I handled it. So… AITA?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

RazzmatazzNeat9865 said:

NTA. And "boys will be boys" isn't just a different parenting style - it's a whole different (and obnoxious) set of values. I'd be taking a cautious distance from now on.

Aventinium said:

NTA. It’s ego at this point. You are part of the village and she should appreciate it. Note she didn’t disagree with your actions. She was just butthurt you didn’t run it by her first. As if the most basic of lessons has to have her approval. Usually when someone “parents” my kid for being out of line, I thanks them for watching out for them and teaching them to be part of society.

MadameOwlbear said:

NTA. I have news for her, a whole lot of people besides her are going to tell her kid they he can't throw things at people. Fortunately, pre-school teachers don't think that what boys are supposed to be is violent either.

givegas said:

NTA. I raised boys and would first of all never make that statement - "boys will be boys! I hate that statement. It just allows boys to misbehave and be obnoxious. Second, if she believes that, it will be hard to stay friends with her while letting your children play together. I never let my kids hang out with children that the parents did not parent in a similar fashion.

This will keep occurring because of how she parents. My mom used to have a saying, which I believe is totally true, "birds of a feather flock together," meaning you become who you hang out with. I'm not sure you want your daughter to act that way. My boys are now 26 and 27 and are very gentlemen. Just an older parents advice.

ejetch said:

NTA. As the adult that was there in the moment, you have the responsibility to calmly correct behavior (which it seems like you did) as its seen. I've done the same with kids at my son's bus stop, and I don't even know their parents. Also, "boys will be boys" only applies to eating bugs and being muddy constantly, not being violent for violence sake.

ForeverOne4756 said:

NTA. You spoke exactly like you should. Your friend is completely in the wrong.

Later, OP provided an update:

First off I want to thank everyone for their input, kind words and some wake up calls. It gave me a lot to think about before I attempted to call and mend things with Carter because I was still feeling very upset. I got the chance to speak with Carter and explained to her that the way that things went down and the words exchanged could have been prevented on both sides.

I explained to her that me trying to resolve the issue between El and Levi wasn't meant to come off like I was undermining her parenting or anything of that sort. I also explained that when she gave me an attitude about not parenting her child and then defending myself I was met with an attitude and dismissed with "boys will be boys" that really hurt me a lot.

I made her understand how hurtful that phrase is and how it sounds like an excuse for her sons behavior because to me boys beings boys are boys getting dirty, finding bugs and and being rambunctious- not physical with another child. She agreed and apologized for the way she handled it. She said she should have got up to check on the situation instead of just sitting there.

I told her that we may not see eye to eye in every parenting situation but we're always on each others side when it comes to our babies. I always want the best for you and Levi. I also apologized for getting up and leaving without talking about. I should have stayed and talked with her about it but her attitude made me upset and for the sake of her head not meeting with a bucket, I left.

We're okay now and things are have been smoothed over. I forgive but I don't forget. I think this is also a wake up call for her as well. I hope she really understands her words and attitude have actions. For the time being I'll have some outdoor time with El until I'm feeling ready to meet back with Carter and Levi. Thank you again everyone