Woman plans to boycott 'best friend's' wedding because she's excluded from the bridal party. AITA?
"AITA for potentially not going to my 'Best Friend's' (of 22 years) wedding because she didn't include me in the bridal party?"
Background: we (both F35) have been best friends for over 20 yrs since school . We shared all the big milestones life has to offer, we regarded each other as family, or so I thought. After school I moved abroad for university where I met my husband a fellow international. He is from a different race/cultural background & we decided we would have a wedding in his home country.
Wedding parties aren't in his culture but I invited my BF & asked her to do the 1 speech at the afterparty we planned. I also included her in cultural family only events as I regarded her my family. She was super touched and told me she was honored to speak and attend all the events.
But before my wedding whenever we were discussing plans she constantly brought the topic back to her own upcoming wedding (this summer). She talked at length going in detail with anyone who would listen. So much so that guests who she didn't know have since inquired about it to me because she literally spoke about nothing else. I put it down to the mental load that weddings take on upcoming brides and ignored it.
She even showed my in-laws at the family meal before and when I showed her my rings she asked to try them on and spoke about what she wanted. I was uncomfortable with this as were my inlaws/mum. On the ride back to the hotel we she again showed us her dress she got. I swiped through the pictures and saw 2 girls I didn't recognize holding a "we found the dress" sign with her. I, a little stunned asked if they were her bridesmaids to which she coyly replied "yes" not elaborating further.
The wedding was the next day & it was wonderful. She wore a silver dress & white jacket which seemed odd as it's known you shouldn't wear white. She took the spotlight in a part of the wedding where the next bride to be is chosen to catch the bouquet and gave her speech with glowing remarks about how close we are, how much she loved me and how I was always the friend that offered her a safe space etc.
Cut to....Her wedding is currently 3 months away & she still has not sent any official invitations to any guests (I know from from mutual guests). We know the location and the day but not even the timings it's in our country of origin so 3 months ago I said I had booked our flights and she was elated. She thanked me profusely for coming and said how happy she was we could make it. I waited for more details but she is always late (like 2-3 weeks late) in replying to my messages.
Whilst growing up she had always said if she didn't have her sisters I would be a bridesmaid. After dodging my messages asking for more info on the bridal party she reluctantly let me know she has 7 bridesmaids, none of whom are her sisters. She hasn't explained why I'm not included and is not responding to my messages when I told her how surprised and hurt I was, now I don't want to go and would rather spend the time and money taking my husband on a great vacation/we haven't had a honeymoon. I feel my heart is breaking. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Ash_an_bun said:
ESH - Why are so many of these threads about weddings? I'm going to get married in a goddamned mcdonald's parking lot at this rate, and anyone who can sneak in a 40 oz in a paper bag is invited. You're both the ahole because it's literally one goddamned day in your entire lives. And you're ruining weeks and months of time, effort, and money over it. For no reason other than hype. Step back. Take a breath. And make a call. Go, or don't.
jrm1102 said:
NTA - you cannot go for any reason you want. Doesnt sound like she’s much of a best friend anymore anyway.
fallingintopolkadots said:
NTA. I know if my best friend of over 20 years didn't include me in her wedding party, I'd be pretty damned hurt and it would make me rethink our friendship. You have every right to reach out and say that after all you two have been through, how she'd always said she'd want you as a bridesmaid if she didn't have sisters, you're pretty hurt that you haven't been included and you're curious as to why.
I hope you'd wait for her to explain, as perhaps she has a "good" reason -- it sounds like her actual sisters aren't a part of her bridal party, so maybe she didn't think she should have her best friend soul sister either in attempt to assuage all sister feelings (no sisters/sister-like friendship)?
Or perhaps because you're far away and she wants local bridesmaids to be at her beck and call for local needs like shopping and whatnot. Just a thought or two. Either way, if either of those are her reason, or if she gives a different one and it doesn't make you feeling any comfort at what you thought was your standing in her life, then do what you have to do and have a wonderful honeymoon with your hubby.
sawes1517 said:
NTA and don’t go. I know it hurts from experience. It sucks when you realize that you are only one of many best friends on someone else’s list when they are your number one. I recently went through the same thing with my best friend of 20 years and now we no longer speak but I am so much happier.
hilarioustrainwreck said:
ESH. You are totally free not to go. It’s up to you. If you don’t go, your friendship is probably over. To me it seems pretty petty to not go to a wedding because you aren’t in the wedding party… Do you think your friendship is already over? Your friend sounds like she’s being pretty selfish, potentially also petty… passive aggressive or something. If your friendship is worth salvaging, you should probably have a live conversation with her about your concerns.
Later, OP responded with an update:
I should clarify that even though I moved abroad we were in contact every week/day and she came out here to visit me and I would always see her when I was home. The talk about bridal parties was just not a childhood promise but something we reiterated all throughout our lives involving our parents too.
The real reason I am considering not attending is because mutual friends of ours are asking me why I am not in the bridal party and are just as shocked as I am. Of the 7 bridesmaids she has only one is from the groom's side. I just don't know how the day will go as I can imagine multiple people bringing up to me why I am not included as this has already happened.
This is not making "about me" at all, more it would be a humiliating and awkward experience that would inevitably detract from her day. I also should say that she was very bad at responding to any messages I had regarding the planning of her day, she was working abroad and the whole situation was stressful so when I saw the pic in the car the night before my wedding (which I don't think she wanted me to see) I was very shocked and stunned. I also didn't want to bring this up the night before my wedding.
I had gently inquired about arrangements she had made and she would always dodge the question when it came to the bridal party. I care very deeply about her and was trying to make excuses for her behaviour at my wedding because she was being very attention seeking and braggy about her own day/her job. A lot of my guests were put off by her behavior and on towards the end of the trip I had a private meal to check in with her and see if she was ok as she was not behaving like the kind, polite and humble friend I remember.
She confided to me she was struggling with a lot of issues and we talked at length about them. I reassured her I would always be there for her and we parted in tears on good terms. That is why I am so shocked at how she has handled this. Like I say in other replies/posts it's how she's handled the situation not the situation itself. I also in all good conscious could not accept being the only member of a dear friends bridal party to turn around and exclude them entirely from my day. It seems to be something you can't overlook and an intentional slight towards me.
Perhaps she has changed and this is who she is, in which case I will not longer pursue the friendship. Lastly I understand plans change as do people and relationships and I am no longer living near her but I think she should've at least broached the topic with me before instead of just acting like this is nothing. I also find it hard to believe she feels were close enough for her to take centre stage at my wedding without even including me in hers or having a conversation about why... Thats just so odd to me.
If you no longer think we're that close then maybe refuse that honor? My other best friend is pissed because she also wanted to be involved in my day but understood the relationship I had (or thought I had) was my oldest and closest friend. Now for her to act like I don't even warrant a chat about this is quite frankly deeply hurtfully and inconsiderate.