Woman plans to escape MIL by moving into a studio apartment, 'he will NEVER put her on the streets.' AITA?

"AITA for moving into a studio apartment away from my mother-in-law who moved in?"

Long story short, my boyfriend's mom is poor and had to move in to my boyfriend and I's apartment last month because my boyfriend's brother (who lived with her) got them both evicted. He stole her car and wrecked it into their apartment and almost killed someone.

He's currently in rehab and before she moved in, I sat down with my boyfriend and laid out the requirements of her living here: she must cut off contact with his brother for his own good and never invite him over, as I'm afraid of him retaliating at our apartment and getting us evicted too, and she should stop enabling him with a constant safety net to continue his drug use.

(I know that sounds harsh but it was the only way to actually force him to get help, this has been an almost decade-long battle of her enabling him and he's not getting any better). My boyfriend agreed to this and she agreed. Cut to two weeks in, I come home from work.

My boyfriend and her are laughing about how they took his brother to Golden Corral when I was gone and he was so high he was nodding off in the food. I was so upset that not only did she break the cardinal rule that I set for her but that my boyfriend went along with it and did it too.

I told him I felt betrayed and that he just set a precedent to her that she can do whatever she wants now because any rule set isn't actually going to be enforced, clearly by his example. He told me he did it because he thought it was too harsh after the fact without telling me he had changed his mind, and thereby going against our agreement. I otherwise wouldn't have let her live here rent-free.

My boyfriend said putting her on the street was too harsh of a punishment for breaking the rules, but isn't that the point? Now she's telling us we need to do HER chores when we pay the rent, because she doesn't want to do them, knowing he won't enforce or kick her out because he ultimately can't face the guilt of doing so. He has attachment issues with her and a heavy guilt complex.

Our apartment lease is up in a couple months and now that we're moving, she asked us "So where are WE moving to?" Fully expecting a free-ride and free rent at our next place. I was so dumbfounded because she is only supposed to be here until she got housing, but low-income housing waiting lists can be months to years long.

I don't want to live with her anymore because she walks all over us and causes tension between my boyfriend and I. He will never put her on the street because he's controlled by his guilt.

When I asked what he plans to do, he said he isn't taking her to our next place, but that would ultimately leave her on the street and I know deep down even if we initially move without her, she will be back in a week or two because he'll feel guilty.

I want to move into a studio apartment now knowing that I don't believe he's going to let her go, and I've voiced this as a real possibility to him, but I'm being framed as trying to dismantle our relationship. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Beneficial-Sort4795 said:

Skip her. You set a boundary your bf agreed to and then he completely (and merrily) trampled all over it with his mother. Now do the hard part and enforce the boundary- with him. Move on your own and leave him to his awful family. If you want to keep dating (someone like) him, then do it living in separate spaces.

He can house his entitled toxic mother and you can have peace in your own little space. Don’t co-sign another lease with this dude. Sign a two year lease solo and (again, if you still want him) limit how many nights he can stay over because you aren’t indirectly paying for his mother’s space either. Enforce the spine you have since he has none. NTA unless you stay living with either of these people.

Fluffy_Juggernaut_95 said:

NTA. Your boyfriend isn't going to change and is lying to you about his mother not moving in with you to your next apartment. I stupidly married someone who couldn't say no to his family or friends, though none of them moved into our home. Even with counseling and the psychologist telling him his priority was supposed to be me, he didn't change at all.

Punkrockpm said:

This is your boyfriend's mom, not your MIL. And no, NTA. Sis, I think you have much bigger problems here than your boyfriend's mother.

Proofread_CopyEdit said:

NTA. They have a toxic family dynamic and, without a doubt, that started well before your BF's brother had a drug habit. BF's mother is, at best, controlling, and she doesn't respect anyone's boundaries. She groomed your BF to bend to her will no matter what and to see her as a victim. It's all very co-dependent and unhealthy, and she also exhibits some narcissistic traits.

You have a right to set boundaries and enact consequences when your boundaries are trampled on. It's a horrible idea to reward someone who violates your boundaries, because they will never respect them or you. Their behavior will worsen toward you. If you move with your BF to a new place, his mother will follow along... even though right now he says she won't.

He can't be trusted with her until he proves otherwise. He's not showing any signs that he wants to stop being co-dependent with mommy or that he'll respect your boundaries or his own.

If it were me, I wouldn't give him that chance to prove otherwise in a new apartment at this moment. First, I would see if he can manage holding her to smaller boundaries (with consequences when she violates them, because I'm betting she will do so).

gringaellie said:

NTA but your relationship is over. Mummy has her claws in him and will never let him go. So you either live with her forever letting her sponge off you, or you walk away with your head held high and let (now ex) boyfriend pay his mummy's way in life.

No_Profile_3343 said:

NTA You don’t need this boyfriend in your life. Go get that studio apartment and live your life without this baggage.