Stepmom plans to leave partner because she can't love him as much as his kids hate her. AITA?
"AITA for considering ending my relationship because my partner's kids clearly don't like me or want me around?"
I (31f) started dating Mark (34m) 3 years ago. Mark is a single dad to a 14 year old son and a 12 year old daughter. The mother of Mark's children died 11.5 years ago. He dated very little after her death before we met but had dated some. I was his first relationship after the passing of his late partner.
As a couple we work well together and share a lot of the same values and goals in life. We can have fun together but have been able to discuss the serious stuff. I get along well with his family but not his kids.
From the start (2ish years now) they have been cold and unwelcoming. Mark has spoken to them, he told me they're in therapy and he has encouraged them to give me a chance. But they can't hide the fact they don't want me around.
We have gone slow and have tried to find ways to ease the tension and show I'm not a bad person or here to take their dad from them or replace their mom. Nothing works. We never tried therapy together but I don't even live with them and I'm not sure how willing they would be to speak in any therapy sessions with me.
My partner has spoken to a therapist and has done some therapy with his kids and implemented suggestions given but those methods were a waste of time. Nothing changed. I know these things take time. I don't expect sunshine and rainbows overnight. But the more time we spend together the more I feel his kids dislike of me.
Even when I'm just there and not trying to engage and existing in the same house as them the tension can be felt. They ignore me. Won't even look at me. Yet they still radiate tension.
I know my partners family have talked to the kids about giving me a chance. I don't know if that helps or makes it worse. I feel like we're facing a reality of they might never accept me or like me. And now I'm considering ending this relationship because I want to be a mom and I don't want to wait too long.
And even if I waited until his kids were out of the house then how would that be fair to have kids who'd have half siblings who would refuse to have anything to do with them or who won't even speak to their mom? My partner and I talked about it. He said he'll understand if it's too much. We're taking some time so I can think.
Since this his sister reached out to me after I didn't show to a couple of things and asked if things were okay and she told me she hoped she wasn't intruding too much but she wanted me to know how happy I made her brother and how nicely I fit with the family.
She said she understands the kids aren't too welcoming but it would be such a shame for me to walk away. It made me feel bad because I know my partner is a good guy and his family have been amazing. But his kids will always be his kids. And I don't know if I could let us come between them or if I could handle living with them always disliking me. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA - If the kids aren't open to you, it won't get any better. If you have children, the older ones will be mean or ignore the younger ones. It's not healthy. Move on.
Honestly it’s the best thing to do It will get complicated and eventually cause a strain in their relationship.
Actually, this is quite an eye-opener. The op's concerns for her happiness (with a touch of foresight) and the well-being of her future children are commendable, especially when faced with such hostility from her stepkids. Not blaming, really, NTA: it's sensible to consider the needs of all involved in a new relationship, even if it's tough love.
NTA. If you bring in a baby in this setup, the relationship is going to get worse. You want a baby, you can't have it with him while the kids are living with him.
Actually, it's that goddamn feeling when you realize you're emotionally drowning in a sea of unrequited love. We've all been there when trying to mend broken hearts, only to have ours shattered in the process. NTA for choosing self-preservation over self-sacrifice.
NTA-two years is a long time to be involved with someone and their kids to still not like you. The extended family getting involved and telling kids how they should feel and what they should do is not going to help your cause.
The kids' mother died almost 12 years ago, when they were babies, and they still have a problem? It's impossible to say what the real issue is but I doubt it's an AITAH case at all. I notice your partner's family wants you to stay, at least the sister does.
So these kids might just be jerks. Are they? How do they treat other people? Do they just flat-out dislike you and it has nothing to do with replacing the mother who died, that they don't even remember?
Extension_Grade_2316 (OP)
The kids are good around other people. They love their family, have friends, are respectful and friendly to others. They treat strangers better than me honestly. They dislike me. But there have been comments about their mom in the last two years. It's why I tried to reassure them. They don't remember her but they know about her and she was talked about with them. She still is.
NTA. If nothing works, leave. You have your needs and plans, and feeling unwelcomed, needed and ignored will take a toll on your mental health.
His kids will treat your kids the way they treat you. Walk away.
NTA this is a child worldview affecting adults. They don't get it. I'd have a sit down with the oldest of the two kids with the sister there, and say "look, are you going to stay home your whole life and tend to your dad, or are you going to move out someday?" And the kid would be confused.
If the kids want him to "die alone" because "we remember mom" then they need to talk that out and they need to own that. They are old enough to talk about major family impacts.
When the kids tells you why you are evil, ask the sister what happens to her brother's feelings when he is alone. Then confirm with the kid that they want that kind of destruction for their dad. Then say you'll meet again, next week, and see how they feel, with the sister there.