Woman 'potentially ruins friendship' by telling friend, 'it's not my fault that I'm skinny.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for telling my friend it's not my fault that I'm skinny?"
This could be so trivial, but it's proving to have the potential to ruin our friendship. I (26F) have had my best friend (26F) since we were toddlers. Grown up together, been through all of it together. Context I guess is that I'm quite slender. I take pride in my weight, my health, and I know she does too but she's always struggled with her weight. We used to gym together but it never really stuck.
The other night, I had my boyfriend and her over for dinner. It was an awesome night, but she kept making comments (and she does all the time, has continually over the years) things like, "oh well, of course you can because you're skinny" and "well yeah, that's never a thin person problem."
I got really awkward and this was only her second time meeting my boyfriend (we've only been dating four months). I'd had enough and snapped, saying "look, it's not my fault I'm skinny, okay!" The rest of this evening was as you can imagine, pretty awkward. And she's now not spoken to me in days when we usually talk every single day without fail.
Reasons why I think I'm the ahole are because she went out on a date with a guy recently after talking to him for weeks, she was so excited but when she showed up at the restaurant (this nice fancy place she'd been wanting to go to for a while), he literally said "huh, you're a lot bigger than your photos suggested." I knew how upset she was and it made me so mad to think a guy could ever have the audacity to say to her. So, yeah, AITA?
Here's what to commenters had to say about this one:
stephjade said:
NTA, she’s taking out her insecurities on you.
arseholierthanthou said:
NTA. It is not your fault you're skinny. That's hardly an aggressive, insulting statement to make, so for a "snapped" reaction it's remarkably benevolent. Someone being an arsehole to you does nothing to excuse you being an arsehole to a third party, and you were the third party in the situation with the guy she went on a date with. We can sympathize with her, but that doesn't for a second mean you're at fault for this situation.
wittyidiot said:
NTA. Body image fs people up. Or maybe minimally an asshole just because you should have been gentler. But your friend was working through what may be jealousy or insecurity issues and taking it out on you, and that's not nice.
Chemical-Video-5900 said:
NTA body shaming goes both ways I am tired of being told to eat a burger, would never suggest they don't. Nobody should ever comment on someone else's body.
SirSpiritual8752 said:
NTA. Well, it's *not* your fault if you're skinny, and it's also not your fault that she's not skinny. If she has a habit of comparing herself to you then that's her problem. Losing weight, for some people, can be incredibly difficult because of their metabolism or if they have any thyroid or other health issues, and that can be very stressful, but it's not fair for her to put that on you, or to seem bitter because you're not struggling with the same issue as she is.
I grew up around overweight relatives and I work with many overweight people, and I get the whole 'jeeze eat a cheeseburger' or 'well, you don't have to worry about eating that donut' thing, which is stupid and hilarious because I can't help my metabolism and I'm actively trying to keep up a healthy weight. Skinny does not equal healthy or happy.
Size and health are not the same thing. Numbers are bullshit. She can be overweight but still active and healthy and beautiful. Maybe being skinny would actually be unhealthy for her particular body; skinny does not equal healthy or beautiful in every body.
If you've been dealing with these comments for years, which are uncalled for, inappropriate, and unsolicited, then snapping was understandable (but you should apologize for being harsh or abrupt). I would explain to her that you don't appreciate her constant comment on your weight any more than she would appreciate the same treatment, and if she wants to continue hanging out with you then she needs to respect your boundaries about your body.
Also: the jerkface's comments about her size are also not your fault and not your doing. The sentence you snapped had nothing to do with his behavior; only hers. NTA.
TrashPandaLJTAR said:
NAH. - You probably are both as sick of each other bring size up. You just don't have the other perspective. If you take pride in your weight, is there a chance that you bring it up often? Maybe she's just as sick of hearing how slim you are as much as you're sick of how often she mentions that she's not.
It doesn't have to be "Oh, I'm so glad I'm slim!" Constant side comments that aren't directed at her could be taken as microaggressions. "I bought a new skirt but I had to return it because it was way too big". "I feel like getting sick would ruin me because there's nothing on me". "I can't imagine how annoying it would be to not find your size". All comments that, alone, aren't really an attack on an individual.
But if you say things like that regularly it would be hard to not interpret that as something being said in a passive-aggressive way. I've been obese in the past and even though I've been a relatively healthy weight for a very long time now I still remember how easily and openly the general public would treat me terribly just because I was large. It's very easy to see something as an attack because nine times out of ten it IS. You might be that one time that isn't, but if she's conditioned to be hurt by people talking about size it's not hard to understand why she might respond that way.
But be aware that constant outward judgement of yourself, to someone that is struggling with their weight being higher than they'd like, is always going to make them automatically compare themselves unfavourably whether you mean it to or not.
If it were a stranger I'd say she should stay in her own lane. But you've been friends with her for decades. If you plan to continue that friendship, it wouldn't hurt to be aware of that fact and treat the situation with a little empathy.
WatercoLorCurtain said:
NTA. You didn’t say anything about her weight. She’s the one with the issue. I have frequently had people comment on my weight (I’m thin, not unhealthily so), and it’s rude and weird and invasive. Especially when they get hung up on it.
Later, OP provided an update:
UPDATE: sorry, I very much realize that saying I'm proud of my weight has been an issue with this, and I do understand why it was poor wording! I really just meant that I (for my own health) enjoy being in the body that I currently am, as it works best for me. I do not think that weight is a direct factor in someone's health or value, more that all shapes and sizes are awesome and worthy.
Just because wording seems to be a real issue here that I wasn't aware of. Comments that night and over the years have always been directed towards me not feeling as though I'm allowed any problems in life because of my size. Although, yes, I will never understand the struggles of someone overweight, I've been called mocked for body, questioned if I ever eat.
And a whoooooole slew of other problems to work through and move on from. My friend and I both could've handled this one situation better, and yep, I suck for defending myself against those comments publicly. I know this wholeheartedly and am doing the work to make things right. Thank you for all the insights and I will be doing my best moving forward, but I won't apologize for liking how I look and loving myself. And health and weight, yep.