Woman's pregnant friend says; 'I DON'T like the way you reacted to my pregnancy.' AITA?

"AITA for the way I reacted to my friends pregnancy?"

So I am a 22 year old university student and (almost) all my friends are 18 - 25 year old students/recent graduates living in my uni town. Also almost all my friends are lgbt and in queer relationships so there is rarely a pregnancy scare in my friend groups but when there is it is always a negative thing.

One of my closest friends from my hometown is 31yr old Sadie, who is a heterose%ual woman. In the 10 years I have been friends with her she has never had a serious or long term relationship, just a series of situationships and one night stands.

She is financially stable and supports herself/is not a student but she has always said she never wants kids and never wants to settle down.

I stayed in my uni town over the summer while I finished my masters so I haven't seen Sadie for a while but we talk every day and she's never said anything about getting into a relationship.

2 weeks ago we didn't talk for 3 days and I was getting worried about her and then she texted me, randomly at 3am "I'm pregnant...." so I responded "oh sh! are we happy or sad about this? whos the father?" because I didn't want to celebrate too soon as everything I've known about her makes me think she wouldn't be happy about this.

She didn't respond but over 24 hours later she called me to chew me out on the phone, telling me why couldn't I just be happy for her and that it is really rude and disrespectful to ask the questions I did...

I told her that none of my other friends would be happy about it and shes always spoken about how she didn't want kids so I just wanted to make sure I was reacting properly and she didn't sound positive about it in her message.

She said I was psychoanalysing her and shes an adult so she can do whatever she wants and that if I'm going to be negative she doesn't need me in her life. If she'd told me she was happy about it I would've been happy for her and supportive I just didn't know.

She also said she trusted me by telling me and she hadn't told anyone else and also it was really invasive of me to ask about her se% life (in our entire friendship she's always told me about her se% life because we are open like that).

Then she hung up on me and we haven't spoken since, she's ignored all my texts and calls. AITA? I'm worried I've lost a close friend over this, we've never fought like this before, but also idk if what I said was so wrong so I just wanted to get an outside opinion. Thanks :)

Let's see what readers had to say:

fleudelis writes:

NTA. Given the closeness of your relationship and her stance on motherhood and relationships, and the fact that she sent this at 3 am, (ie during the bad news hours) you asking what you did was perfectly reasonable.

Hell, I have a newlywed close friend who sent me a picture of a document from her doctor informing her that she was in fact pregnant and she captioned it 'wtf?', and MY response was 'how do we feel about this?'. There was no question about who daddy was, so that was one issue that was never on the table.

And you know what? At that moment she wasn't 'happy'. She was shocked and thrown off because she had several plans that would have to be deferred. She was 'off' for a few days. She became very happy when she finally wrapped her mind around it.

The baby is here now and we're all thrilled and moving gloriously forward with life, but the truth was, when she told me, I had no idea how she felt, and neither did she. A woman can feel any number of ways about a new pregnancy, and if you're close enough and the circumstances are murky enough, asking, as her friend, is smart.

I assume she was fine with my question, because I'm now that baby's godmother, so all's well that ends well, lol.

I get that 'who's the father' probably made her feel judged, so maybe that question could have waited, but I'm assuming you were just shocked by what you'd read. Given what you've said, it wasn't from a place of malice, just surprise. Nobody responds 'perfectly' when they're shocked.

gaoplt writes:

NAH. I disagree with the people who are calling you an asshole for asking “who’s the father”. You were supposedly close enough that you were one of the first people she called but you had no idea she was in a relationship.

Further, she had been adamant she didn’t want kids and is now changing her mind. Her prerogative to do so but it’s a shift from prior behaviour. Based on what you knew about her, it sounds like a sudden and unexpected shift.

That said, she’s newly pregnant and likely dealing with serious hormones so you need to extend her some grace for her reaction and be more gentle with her. Apologize to rebuild the bridge and ask how you can support her.

hahet writes:

YTA for the "oh, shit!" and the "who's the father?" comments. But you're not an AH for your genuine concern.

It's understandable that you weren't sure whether to be happy or concerned. She texted "I'm pregnant...." Do you mean that's exactly what she texted, or was there more? Because as written I agree she wasn't being clear at all.

My guess is that she herself is/was conflicted. She may have been trying to get a read on how people would react. She may be deciding a lot of heavy stuff right now, including whether to continue the pregnancy, whether she wants a LTR with the father, etc.

You do need to realize that "never" doesn't mean "never" and since she's now over 30, she may be thinking that if she's ever going to have a kid, it might as well be now.

And mostly, you need to keep in mind that the exact state of your friendship is NOT the most important thing on her mind right now. Hopefully your follow-up texts have apologized for your tone and expressed your support for whatever she decides to do. Then give her space. She'll come back to you when she's ready.

narartifescor writes:

Yta for asking who the father is. It's irrelevant. Asking are we happy or sad is fine, that's a reasonable question. But you could/should have followed it with a "I'm here for you regardless" or similar, rather than a judgy "who's the father" which isn't information that you need at the present time.

crikmea writes:

ESH. Your feelings were somewhat valid, but she's not 16. Those questions beyond "how do you feel about it?" are inappropriate.

She should've been way more chill and understanding than she was. I'm guessing she's had a lot of responses like yours because these days it's more common to give negative opinions about a pregnancy than it used to be. But sure overreacted regardless.

ahgyouwere writes:

NTA. All of your questions were good and genuine ones from a place of caring for your friend. They're questions I would ask anyone if I didn't know they were in a relationship, and had told me multiple times that children weren't for them. Also who texts people good news at 3am? None of the news I've ever gotten then as been good so your caution is definitely warranted.

Could the father question be kind of assholeish? Sure, but again, SHE HADN'T TOLD YOU ABOUT ANY SORT OF RELATIONSHIP.

And I get that she probably had a LOT of her own feelings about it, but if she was expecting you to be blindly happy, that's on her. She's told you her opinion multiple times, of course you're going to ask if this is a celebration or not.