Woman has PTSD after fiancé's 'kidnapping proposal;' 'The POLICE are involved.' AITA? DISTURBING UPDATES.
When this woman has PTSD from her husband's proposal, she asks Reddit:
"I am traumatized by my husband's proposal. AITA?"
I am trembling and just created this alt account because my main has a lot of details about me that would make it easy to trace back.
A week ago my bf told me he had a camping trip planned with his friends on Friday(today). He said he would have no service and he’ll see me on Sunday. He messaged me at 5am this morning and told me they are hitting the road.
Around 8 I went for a run like I usually do on Fridays. I have one headphone in while I do because I was on a work call.
While I was running, I noticed a SUV that kept popping up. In hindsight, it looked just my like bf’s childhood friend’s car. I sent a message to my sister saying to standby & shared my location.
Right after sending the message I looked up and the SUV was right beside me and someone jumped out and grabbed me. It happened so fast I even dropped my phone on the pavement.
I was pulled into this car and I could tell there was at least 2 masked guys in the back before they covered my eyes. In hindsight they had cartoonish ski masks and black gloves on.
I freaked out and resisted like crazy, screaming and kicking. All I could hear was these guys laughing and I could feel one of them holding me down by my arms behind me and the other was holding my legs down at the knees.
I don’t know how long I was in there but I keep begging them to let me go and crying. I even admit I peed on myself, but I don’t think they noticed until we arrived at the house. They pulled me out of the car and I was screaming for help until I was pulled into a house.
When the mask on my head was removed, I was on my knees in front of my bf of 2 years. He was staring at me with a confused look before he started to angrily ask his friends what was going on.
As I started to adjust to what was going on I realized he was dressed nice and there was romantic decorations around the entry way to his house. I realized who he was and what was going on and collapsed into sobs.
I probably had a 5 minute panic attack in that car on my way there and another one sitting in the entryway to his house. I was sweaty, wearing soiled yoga pants, flushed with fear, scared for my life.
That was all about an hour or 2 ago. My bf took me upstairs and was going to help me get showered and changed but I wanted to do that alone. I heard yelling and commotion downstairs while I showered, but I don’t know what is going on.
I’m sitting in his room now holding my shattered phone after crying to my sister about what happened. She lives 1.5 hours away but is speeding over to get me now.
I can’t stop thinking about what happened and even though I know now I was never in any danger, I don’t think my brain can comprehend it. They were snickering and teasing me in deepened voices about what they were going to do to me.
The one that was holding my legs down kept caressing my thighs up and down into the inner area. When the car would brake his face kept falling into my chest. I don’t even know who that was. I just know one of them sounded unsure and kept trying to diffuse the situation, but I think it was the driver. AITA?
Before we give you OP's harrowing updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
singlevacay writes:
I would dumb the BF. First, he has terrible friends. That means he has very bad judgement. So even if he didn't know they were going to kidnap and sexually assault you, he is friends with these people. I don't want anyone close to me that has such horrible cruel friends who think this is OK.
Second, his idea of a proposal is fucking ridiculous. So he lied that he was going away and he was going to surprise you by saying, "I didn't go away, I'm proposing"? How lame is that? Had you even talked about getting married?
And why would you want him to propose when you were in you running clothes? why would you want to stop running to go be proposed? And why would his friends be there?
Third, of course if he was involved in the kidnapping idea, even if they took it too far, 1 and 2 don't even matter.
youdonotknowmehop writes:
Dear OP, What happened to you was absolutely horrifying. It was vile, criminal and down right evil. I am so glad that you have the support of your sister.
I hope you are not being hard on yourself. Oftentimes as women we are conditioned to blame ourselves even when we are the victims in the scenario.
I know you mentioned in a comment that you wished you had pepper spray and I am so sorry that a place that you felt safe in is no longer that for you. Even if you had frozen in shock you would not be at fault at any stage of this.
I know that a lot of replies here are rightfully focused on the 2 main assailants and are shocking understanding of bf? as he stated a very different plan from what occured.
I understand it is scary to analyse how someone you trusted could put you in an unsafe situation (even unknowingly). Despite his intentions you would be completely justified in being angry at him. Just looking at the facts.
1- The best case scenario of this plan also involved scaring you, by sharing your running path for you to be followed by a van when you thought you were alone not just in the area but also in the city (because he felt the need to lie about being out of town) to add another layer of fear when you notice you were being followed.
He planned so far ahead as to lie about a camping trip and to contact you at 5 in the morning. There was no need to do this, if few minutes after his friends "found" you they were just going to give a letter to tell you that your bf is waiting in a nearby location to propose.
So the sole purpose of the "fake trip" would be to scare you. You don't live together so he did not need any elaborate excuse even to be away when buying supplies/decorating.
2- Though the original plan did not involve kidnapping you he felt it necessary to have 3 people just to cosplay as goofy kidnappers and handover a letter when this could be done by one person.
3- Out off all the people he knows he decided the best people for this job where only men, who are probably more physically imposing than you, of which two people are practically your strangers.
If he was going for "goofy kidnappers" there was no need for them to be all male, physically imposing strangers. It sounds like he was going for threatening even if subconsciously.
Most people like to include close loved one is plans to share a beautiful moment together with the couple, not some random strangers. He could have approached your common friends or even family like your sister. He actively made the decision not to.
4- He expected you to SIT in a car with 3 men of which you only knew 1 based solely on a letter claiming to be from him!? 2 of which even he did not know for long yet chose to trust with his girlfriend.
5- He had the time to plan ahead to lie about a camping trip but did not do the due diligence to check the 'costumes' his friends would be wearing as "goofy kidnappers" . Considering that the "joke" heavily relies on this costume he did not bother.
I know this is a lot to process but some things are just not adding up :( At best, he is a careless person who disregarded your safely (by involving strangers) and sense of safety (by hinging his proposal on you being followed by a car while running alone) every step of the way.
Despite his intentions he literally made himself unavailable, shared your warebouts to strangers, told them to follow you in a car and gave "his blessing" for them to bring you to him. That's messed up!
In addition his idea of a romantic proposal is to disrupt your feeling of safety and even if everything went according to his stated plan and you were safe - the whole premise of the kidnapping joke is "haha I love her so much so I will make a mysogonistic joke about her not being able to get away for me".
At worst, there was never a letter, and though he did not intend for you to be SA, he thought it would be a good idea to get physically imposing men to wear ski masks, follow you and kidnap you. He wanted you to be scared and then say that it was all just a prank.
After seeing just how scared you were when you left, he and his best friend compared notes to create a less awful version of what was meant to happen to make him look less guilty.
If the letter was always the plan why did his best friend not reveal his identity, why did your boyfriend not raise an alarm the moment he saw his friends man handling you when you were just supposed to walk in.
Every single decision about the proposal (except maybe the decorations) were terrible. These are not the decisions of a person who understands or considers your point of view.
I know teenage boys with better presence of mind about what's funny and their partners safety. I have seen promposals made with more love. A grown 26 year old man has no business making such stupid decisions. Sorry for the harsh a lengthy messege! It's comming from a place of love and solidarity for you.
univefest writes:
OP I am so sorry. You need space from everyone who was a part of this, including your boyfriend. He may have had good intentions, but good intentions does not erase the fear. He literally got his friends to act out any vulnerable woman’s nightmare.
Maybe you can get over this, maybe you can’t. Whatever you choose, do it with all the information.
I would recommend you get a therapist before you hash this out with your boyfriend. Put him on ice. There is no way this painful trauma stays out of any conversation and you could be triggered by anything he says. If you want him as your boyfriend, ask for a break, until you can get a handle on this.
Then invite him to a therapy session. I firmly believe you should not have this conversation without help. Then, once you feel confident, you can decide if this relationship is worth pursuing.
As I read your post, I was with you and crying. Us women and vulnerable men know that fear and damn your boyfriend screwed up. Let the police handle the others. You figure out if your boyfriend is worth anything anymore.
My opinion is that he is not. He associates with men who victimize women. Then he chose them to victimize you. Good luck! Please update us because I am invested in YOU!
distantstarlight writes:
This is just horrifying! You were LEGIT kidnapped, and LEGIT assaulted! These people put their hands on you, ignored you cries to stop and for help, laughed, touched you, and turned a romantic proposal into a horrific nightmare situation.
Honestly, I'd never be able to go back to the BF. He made all of this happen. Maybe he didn't plan for two spare guys to fondle you and mock you, but he sure as shit set you up to be abducted.
They were supposed to hand you a letter. Where is it? Did your BF do anything at all to them apart from be upset his plans didn't work out to his advantage? Why in the f did he think you'd want him to be naked with you after he sent three men to frighten the piss out of you? THIS WAS HIS IDEA OF ROMANCE!!!!
Omg please, seriously rethink this relationship. Even if he's the greatest guy in the world, he set you up, he let three men chase you down and take you, he made you believe he was gone, and then what? He yelled a couple of times then sent them on their way while you were hysterical? He sounds like a massive AH imo.
Honestly, I'd never be able to go back to the BF. He made all of this happen. Maybe he didn't plan for two spare guys to fondle you and mock you, but he sure as shit set you up to be abducted. They were supposed to hand you a letter.
Where is it? Did your BF do anything at all to them apart from be upset his plans didn't work out to his advantage? Why in the f did he think you'd want him to be naked with you after he sent three men to frighten the piss out of you? THIS WAS HIS IDEA OF ROMANCE!!!!
Omg please, seriously rethink this relationship. Even if he's the greatest guy in the world, he set you up, he let three men chase you down and take you, he made you believe he was gone, and then what? He yelled a couple of times then sent them on their way while you were hysterical? He sounds like a massive AH IMO.
Rethink that relationship, please. Stay safe. Update if you can so we all know your STBX hasn't tried to romance you a second time with death threats and more abduction.
And now, OP's first update:
I’m working with police now. This is going to be investigated as a false imprisonment if I press charges. My sense of time was so warped. From where I was picked up to his house was about 7 or 10 minutes in the car.
It felt like way longer than that. As for the friends, the driver was his childhood best friend who I actually get along with well. He was in tears when he voluntarily arrived at the police station for a statement.
The other two were friends from his athletics class that he started attending a few months ago. It seems like the two guys I didn’t know wanted in on what otherwise was supposed to be something more innocent.
The original plan was for them to pop out of this car in their funny kidnapping attire and hand me a letter that explained I was being summoned by bf and resistance is futile. Seems like the plan changed as the 2 new friends wanted to shake me up a bit more and make it feel more real.
Update 2:
I’ve had time to calm down and long talks with my sister. We are going to meet up with my (ex?) bf for dinner tonight.
He has been respectful of my requests for space but has been emotional whenever he thinks about what I went through this morning. His best friend contacted me repeatedly apologizing for allowing it to get that far, but I asked for him to stop and he did.
The best friend’s fiancé reached out and has been supportive and apologetic, too. I’m astounded at the support I’ve received here and wish I could thank each of you individually. I’ve never had anyone other than my sister and bf care for my mental well-being like this. Reddit is a very kind place sometimes :)