Woman punishes 13 yo foster daughter after she 'frames' 12 yo bio daughter. AITA?

When this mom is concerned she made a parenting error, she asks the internet:

"AITA for punishing my foster daughter for telling the authorities what my 12 year old daughter was doing ?"

I (34F) have been looking after my foster daughter “Mary” (13F) for over a year, ever since her parents overdosed on drugs. I also have a biological daughter “Lyla” (12F). Mary and Lyla mostly get along, although there have been some minor arguments.

A few weeks ago, the police came to Lyla’s school. Someone had sent an anonymous message to the school saying that Lyla was in possession of drugs.

After searching through her phone, locker, and bags, they realized that the ‘drugs’ in question were skittles that Lyla had lying around in her bag accidentally ripping open the packaging. Lyla was terrified of the police and was traumatized by the incident. She’s a very shy, quiet girl who had a panic attack at the thought of being sent to prison.

While they wouldn’t reveal who told on her, Lyla suspected that it was Mary since she was the only one who could have seen the skittles in her bag. Mary denied this at first, but eventually she snapped under pressure and admitted it. She said she made a mistake and was scared that Lyla would overdose like her parents.

I know that Mary has trauma related to drugs. But that’s not an excuse. I’ve made it very clear that she can come talk to me about anything, even if it involves Lyla, and yet she went to the school instead of telling me first.

Mary said that she only went to the school in case I was biased towards Lyla. She knew full well the legal ramifications of her actions — both of them could have potentially been removed from my care.

I can’t help but think her intentions are malicious, Skittles look absolutely nothing like drugs. She didn’t even talk to me or Lyla about it, she just went straight to the authorities. So I decided to ground her, stop her allowance, increase her chores, and take away her electronics for the entire summer.

She’s still upset with me for this, saying I went too far and I was punishing her for having trauma and trying to do the right thing. But I feel like I have a duty to teach her that it’s not okay to potentially get our entire family into legal trouble over a misunderstanding. AITA?

EDIT: The reason I thought she had malicious intentions was because the week before, Mary “coincidentally“ started a large argument with Lyla for hanging out with Mary’s crush. Lyla eats candy all the time, especially skittles, and Mary knows that Skittles are her favorite.

Let's see what readers thought:

wilder writes:

I'm tempted to say YTA, bordering on NAH. I think that Mary's reasoning is fairly sound, she's a kid who's deeply traumatized by experiences in her own life with people using drugs.

And it's very, very hard for a 13 year old to conceptualize the repercussions for something like this. If she was acting out of malice, that's one thing, but I think it's pretty hard for anyone on line to be able to say if that's the case.

That said, I do think your punishment is extreme. I think this is a great opportunity to have more heart to hearts with Mary and help her learn how serious this could have been. Is she already in therapy? I assume she must be as a foster child with her history, but if not she absolutely should be.

Additionally, if Mary was exacting out of jealousy or some other feelings around your bio daughter, layering on punishments may just make that separation worse. Do they generally get along well? Are they close or more distant?

Mary is going through an immense amount of loss and change, and her feelings toward your daughter are likely very complicated even if they're generally close and friends.

I think it would be reasonable to lighten up your punishments while also checking in with her more regularly and emphasizing the seriousness of the situation. Depending on the quality of your case workers, you may want to discuss with them as well.

svillain writes:

I don’t think OP was TA. OP, quite rightly IMO is scared because she does understand the ramifications of what could have occurred and she’s upset that not only did she put OP , herself and OP’s daughter at risk, she did so without even giving the daughter the benefit of the doubt or talking to her about it.

What’s more she did the same thing to OP, her foster parent. Instead of bringing the issue to OP’s attention and at least giving her a chance to take action, she went straight to the cops. If I were OP or OP’s daughter I would not feel safe in my home with Mary there.

So, I do agree with you that the punishment may be excessive but I think OP would be better served helping Mary find a new place to live. A place that has the resources and ability to help her deal with her trauma.

What I wouldn’t do is put my child through trauma and fear in her own house to make Mary comfortable. Ultimately, I think this incident was a sign that Mary needs more help than OP can give and that it would be kinder to help her find that.

svvtn6 writes:

NTA. However, it sounds like Mary needs therapy, And she owes Lyla an apology. I think taking away her allowance and electronics is punishment enough, and maybe for only a month. A whole summer is too long.

I will also say this: I don't know if Mary has been in foster care previously, but she may have decided to do this to make sure she's not sent away, which happens to foster kids all the time. You've been a good foster parent to her, so maybe, once things have settled down, let her know you're glad she's staying with you, and is a part of your family.

ivanmay writes:

YTA: First, that punishment is ham fisted and excessive, bordering on abusive. It's also extremely counterproductive. The only thing you've managed to do is tell her that "if something is going on, you had better not be the least bit wrong or 'Mom' is going to treat you like shit."

What if she's attacked or abused in some way? Will she feel comfortable going to a trusted authority figure? No, because (by your own words) "It’s not okay to potentially get our entire family into legal trouble over a misunderstanding."

She's also a child who is in foster care because of her parents drug problem. That's bound to foul up a kid. Sounds like she did what she thought was right, and you browbeat her until "she snapped under pressure" and now she knows good and well that what is important is "both of them could have potentially been removed from my care."

I don't know how the hell you can make this right, but I'll tell you that as a former deputy, if this was in my jurisdiction I'd be contacting my area's CPS for a full workup. Not based on Mary's actions, but on your extreme overreaction.

rocklathao writes:

YTA. There are a lot of extenuating circumstances here, but in the end, you're the a-hole for the incredibly overbearing punishment in question. This should be a call to family therapy, maybe more individual therapy for Mary, but for you, Mary, and Lyla to be in a room to discuss your feelings about this and the family in general.

Grouding + stopping allowance + increasing chores + removal of electronics .... this, as a complete set, on a traumatized child who overreacted and made a mistake? That's incredibly harsh. It is unreasonably harsh, and frankly, internet stranger, makes me question whether you should be fostering this girl.

Would the punishment be the same for Lyla under similar circumstances? Your last sentence, wherein you have a duty to teach her that this isn't ok, is heavy handed. Is that how you parent in general?

If Lyla had been caught with drugs, would all of these punishments be applied? Would you have the same reaction here if Lyla and Mary's positions were reversed, and it was the same misunderstanding?

Is Mary in the right? No, there were several skipped steps here, but they can all be explained away by the trauma of being a foster child due to drug use in parents. She's been with you for a year, but it's only been a year.

Neither you nor Lyla are going to be at the point of being close confidants, necessarily. So, who is/are the people she can trust to do something? Unfortunately it's the state.

agquiet writes:

As a child who was in foster care from 5 years old until I aged out at 18, I have had many many Foster siblings throughout those years and I can tell you that was definitely malicious intent.

I had a foster sister who came into the home a year after I was there. We got along. We even hung out, but she was a very jealous person. I went away with school for the weekend. I was gone Friday morning and came home Sunday late at night.

My Foster mom picked me up that evening and as we were driving home fire trucks past us. When we pulled into our subdivision, they were at our house. She lit my bedroom on fire.

She poured lighter fluid into a garbage bag I had hanging in my closet and then threw a match in there. He was jealous and enjoyed having the weekend without me at home and didn't want me back, so she burnt my room down. My room was destroyed and there was major fire damage to the house.

The shitty part was, we had to stay in a hotel for a few months while they repaired the damages. She got to stay with my foster mom in the hotel and I got sent off to another foster home.

They later found out she did it only because they found out the fire was intentionally set and they thought my foster mom did it. They were drilling my mom and Tracy was in the other room and started crying. She ended up confessing, and yet I still had to stay in another foster home for the whole summer while Tracy got to stay with my foster mom.

Some foster kids are fd up and on the outside seem like they wouldn't do something malicious, but they will! Tracy was a perfect example! No one would have ever guessed she would have done that. She could have killed all of our animals and even my grandma who was in the house at the time.

NTA but I'm surprised you didn't send her back and have them find her a new home. I'm sorry but I would have. As much as I would love to be a foster parent and help a kid out, I would never keep one that intentionally tried to harm my child or get them in legal trouble, which essentially is harming them. That's a hard no, and you have to go.