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Woman receives 'lackluster ring' during 'humiliating' proposal; lashes out at fiancé and MIL. AITA? UPDATED 2X

Woman receives 'lackluster ring' during 'humiliating' proposal; lashes out at fiancé and MIL. AITA? UPDATED 2X


When this woman is horrified by her own proposal, she asks the internet:

"My fiance gave me a lackluster ring and proposal and I lashed out. AITA?"

I am feeling a little down after my boyfriend's recent proposal. I said yes, but I am a bit disappointed in the ring (even though I know it sounds very materialistic to say).

Even when we first started talking about marriage - been dating for 3 years - I told him that I absolutely 100% wanted to be involved in picking out or designing the engagement ring.

And, since we both have good jobs, I would even put some of my own money down to get a ring I absolutely love.

What I ended up receiving was a 0.20 carat round solitaire diamond. A few things I told him about the ring as well was that round diamond solitaires on a plain band weren't my idea of an engagement ring, and it feels like he went out of the way to get me everything I didn't want.

I also did tell him that because I did want a bit of a bigger stone I would pay for some myself, and he really ignored that request also.

I know this part sounds bad as well, but he also hyped up the proposal a lot and in the end it felt...anticlimactic? The whole year he said he was going to wait to propose around Christmas time when all the lights are up around town and everything feels magical.

There is a cute little Victorian era themed town just a half hour away from where we live and that is the most special place in the world to me.

This town always goes all out on Christmas for decorations and theming, it really is the most charming and magical place I ever seen, and we go for walks there all the time on weekends.

Now, I feel I'll just be sad when we do go there and I feel he sort of went out of his way to ruin that for me as well... That was literally my dream engagement.

He said he was going to make me feel like a princess on Christmas time (he knows how much I love the royal Christmas movies) and instead just - proposed in the bedroom before we got up for work...

I know some will say that maybe he couldn't wait and that maybe nerves got to him, but he KNOWS I would have said yes anyways no matter how nervous he was. And, quite honestly, I feel the whole 'nerves' thing is a bit of an excuse.

How come 'men get nervous' is always applied to them but it feels that women are never allowed to be nervous for anything ourselves? I know it sounds mean, but that really is how I feel.

Why does it seem he did everything wrong on purpose even when we had open and honest conversations about my dream ring, proposal, etc. and he went out of his way to get all those things wrong?

Should I be honest and give the ring back? I feel as though I spelled everything out numerous times and even though he said he'd remember to make everything special, he very well could have been too interested in what was on tv to really listen to me every single time we talked about it.

TL;DR: Just upset about this whole damn thing and I don't want the resentment to build up anymore.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

fendi writes:

NTA.I don't think you need to be ashamed to share your ring here, everyone should be able to do so and feel comfortable with it. Everyone's different and so are their rings!

The bigger issue is how your fiance ignored everything you clearly communicated to him. It's hard but you need to sit down with him and have a conversation about this with him and share your feelings that you're disappointed that he blatantly ignored what you wanted and how you're concerned about that.

From what I understand from your post, you clearly told him what you wanted in both a ring and in a proposal and he decided to ignore both. He can't be treating you like that and I hope talking to him is able to help.

I hope you can treat this as a placeholder ring until you can design something you truly want and I hope you're able to have your fairytale Christmas proposal.

satitude writes:

NTA. I don’t want to make you feel bad at all but if he wanted to make you feel heard and important then he would have. It seems he is testing your limits to see what you will put up with/what he can get away with.

My now husband and I went ring shopping together because I really wasn’t sure what I wanted at that point and he went out of his way to buy the exact ring and diamond I loved from the shop and I was so surprised to see it when he proposed because I knew it was a bit over our budget.

He also did a very elaborate scavenger hunt that resulted in me getting on a plane to another state and having a private tour set up with him waiting for me at the end. I was so sure I was ready to marry this man after he went so above and beyond to prove his love to me.

If you don’t feel special after your proposal especially after the conversations you had beforehand about it then I would really question if he is taking this marriage seriously.

genghu$ writes:

NTA. let me say this. I was proposed to in the sprawling gardens in front of a beautiful 18th century estate. I have a gorgeous 2.5ct diamond ring with all the intricate details I’ve been dreaming about since I was 13.

I didn’t have to tell him twice, he took notes over the months of what I liked and let me design and give final approval on the ring. I found the receipt a little while ago, it was (responsibly) over budget but he never mentioned it. Making me happy is a deep driving force in his life and his decisions.

This time years ago I was on average miserable. My personal life was fine but I was begging for the bare minimum from a man who claimed he wanted to spend his life with me but didn’t put effort into the relationship. It cast a dark cloud over my entire life, constantly giving out energy that I didn’t receive back.

The problem wasn’t “he doesn’t like me enough” it was that having a happy family and building a life with someone wasn’t high on his priority list. He wasn’t going to really invest the work it takes to have that. So even though he was a decent guy I was constantly disappointed.

Leaving was the hardest and best thing i have ever done and I was so lucky to then find the man that I did. It’s not hard. I don’t have to ask for him to care, he just does.

My life looks completely different— I went from making my own birthday plans and dragging him to a quick dinner to waking up to gifts, breakfast and a surprise reservation to my favorite place. I get flowers all the time just because he was thinking of me.

He tells me constantly how much he loves and appreciates me. He plans dates when he remembers we haven’t gone out in a while because we were busy with work. He is kind and gentle and I am cherished. And I say this because when I think about what I could’ve settled for it breaks my heart and and makes me angry.

I don’t know you but you sound like a sweet, beautiful caring person. You deserve an equal partner that you can trust and rely on and who cherishes you. Is this man good enough?

countcoular writes:

You've gotten a LOT of great advice here, but I still want to weigh in, assuming you read all the comments.

First, we celebrate ALL rings here, with large stones, small stones, no stones. We love engagement rings, period. Full stop. If you loved your .20 carat, believe me, we'd gush over it. Small stones can absolutely be stunners and there are folks who prefer that size, and that's great. It takes all kinds in this world.

Now...that being said, you expressed you wanted to participate in the selection of your engagement ring YOU will (theoretically, for the sake of argument) wear every day you are married to this man. You were clear about this. You told him what you wanted.

One of two things happened here: he did not pay attention, or he did not care and went rogue because he felt it was more important than prioritizing and respecting your opinion and autonomy.

NEITHER situation is okay. This is a very important piece of jewelry. It is often the first sentimental piece of jewelry a person gets to represent a momentous occasion in their life. It is emotionally priceless, and it should represent the wearer and make the wearer happy.

Your fiance stepped ALL OVER your agency. There is simply no cute way to say that. I don't like it. I would be pissed.

I won't even address the problems with his mother, because so many have done a great job and all I want to do is call her an overstepping bitch and I don't really think that's news to you, so it isn't very helpful.

But hon, you don't have a ring problem. You have a fiance problem. You have a relationship problem. The fact that he gave you a ring you didn't want in a proposal you didn't want is just a couple of red flags. I'm assuming there are others, if you want to see them.

I'm sorry, I mean no offense, but I would not have said yes to this man if he proposed in my DREAM SCENARIO with a SIX CARAT FLAWLESS DIAMOND. I seriously wouldn't have. Because NO RING is good enough to make up for someone who won't make a good partner in marriage.

urfavegrem writes:

So I felt similarly about my engagement but for different reasons. I’d been waiting forever to get engaged and was really starting to feel bad about the fact that we weren’t. Well, out of the blue my younger brother announces to the family that his girlfriend is pregnant and all of a sudden now they’re going to buy a house.

He later tells us that he’s going to propose to her as soon as he gets her grandmother’s stone set. I was devastated, to be honest. The next day I cried the whole way into work.

Well lo and behold literally the day after they announce this news, my fiancé proposes. Not only had I been crying all morning, but I’d also had a cavity filled that day too so my mouth was still a little numb.

And then we discovered that the jeweler made a mistake and sized the ring way too small. Needless to say I was super disappointed. Then come to find out that my brother had known we were getting engaged the day after they announced that news.

I didn’t feel like I got to have any exciting moments or feel super special or any of that because of all of it. I was sad for a bit and then ultimately sat down and talked with my brother. We had a huge heart to heart and he apologized and gave me some more context that I needed to not be resentful.

When we got my ring back from the jeweler, my fiancé did a little do over proposal. It’s hard to feel disappointed and it’s hard to speak up about it because, at least for me, I felt like I was being frivolous/whiny in being upset.

But it was absolutely worth it to say something because we were able to make it right. You are not materialistic for being disappointed and feeling let down. Your feelings matter!

And now, OP's update:

And that last sentence is exactly what I'm afraid of happening for the rest of my life. He was always good at being a partner in general, but everything seemed to went downhill after a major life event such as an engagement.

If he really is doing this because he doesn't want to marry me (just something I've been thinking about) I really wish he'd be honest with me instead of acting like a child and getting everything wrong "on purpose".

At this point, I feel I could honestly give myself a better proposal and ring if he (and other men) just flat out refuse to do it. Sorry, just a little pissed off right now."

"My possibly-future-mother-in-law always sides with my boyfriend because of course he can do no wrong, and I really feel like I have to watch my tongue around her otherwise I'm the one who ends up "in trouble" at the end of the night when she goes home and I get the silent treatment.

I am so glad his mother isn't afraid to side with you though and sadly, I wish that were the case for me. If I even express any dislike about the ring in her presence she'd tell my partner not to marry me right in front of me, and she has done so in the past about other issues and likes to talk about me like I'm not in the room.

She'll say something like "If she's that disappointed, perhaps you should reconsider living with her and come back home with me." Now I'm just like, good. Maybe you two do deserve each other!"

Update 2:

Hello everyone; I am so sorry I didn't realize how many people wanted an update to this situation. I have been distraught for the past few days and I just didn't have it in me to use the internet at all during this time.

I am feeling 10 times better now (yes, we are going through a break up over his stubbornness regarding this whole engagement issue) and, as predicted, an entire shit show went down between his mother and I to the point where I had to call the police and beg them to take her off my property (I said she was trespassing, which was basically true).

The only hard thing is we are stuck co-owning a house together and need to put it on the market and try to sell it ASAP. I am even willing to accept a low offer just to get this fd up family out of my life for good.

Thank god I only dealt with this douche for 3 years, and the next time I smell bull shit coming from any partner or potential partner I'll be sure to tell them where to go, because I cannot deal with this shit parade a second time around.

And people (whether you are a woman or a man) - please remember this: when you marry someone you certainly do marry into their family, so whether you get along with them or not just remember you are marrying their son/daughter, and will therefore be your legal in-laws for however long you decide to stay married.

How everything went down: When my boyfriend came home from work, I sat him down gently after we had both finished our dinner and explained to him that while I couldn't wait to be his wife, there were some things I would like to go over with him in regards to the ring and the proposal.

He immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was a selfish gold-digger and how right his mother was about me.

I know it doesn't seem very mature of me, but I pretty much laughed in his face like "Bro, you're calling me a gold-digger, meanwhile we make exactly the same amount of money AND I come from a wealthy therefore I have more money than you and I ought to be calling you the gold-digger here."

I tell him he's being ridiculous for not allowing me to spend my own money on my engagement ring and how I wouldn't feel hurt in the least if he wanted to do the same for his own...

but then he starts shooting off some bull shit how women AREN'T ALLOWED to decide what their engagement ring looks like, or when and if a man decides when he wants to marry them or how he's going to propose.

At this point, I am screaming because I tell him it's fg free (I guess besides gas money, which I pretty much pay for anyway) to drive me to the town I've dreamed of getting proposed to for ages, and it's free to look at Christmas lights and go ice skating.

He tells me that my "expectations are too high". I tell him to get the fuck out of my face for being that damn lazy and selfish.

You know what this man-baby does next? Well, the mother needs to enter this situation somehow so he cries and calls her on his phone asking her to come pick her up. I tell him that he's more than welcome to go live with his mother until he's well into his 50's for all I care, but that beast is not stepping foot in my house.

He shouts at me that this is his house too and his mother is more than welcome to help pack his stuff. I figured if this is going to be the last time I see either of them, I'm better off just staying out of the way until they're gone for good.

Well, of course mommy has to barge into my grateful and tell me how ungrateful and selfish I was towards her precious boy. I warn her gently that if she comes anywhere near me I'll rip her hair out and push her down to the floor.

I've never felt that angry in all my life and didn't know I had it in me to stick up for myself like that. But then she starts screaming at me that I wouldn't dare and how she'd sue me, and I told her I'd claim self-defense and tell the judge that not only was she trespassing, but willingly threatening me in my personal space and/or harassing me.

She initiated the physical contact first by actually hitting my arm, and I reacted by spitting in her eye (I know how awful that sounds but at that moment when I felt my entire life was falling apart I was saying and doing all kinds of crazy stuff I didn't know I was capable of).

You know how I mentioned how strong and high and mighty she likes to act in my previous posts? She literally starts to shake and starts developing these pathetic crocodile tears and screams for her son to come get her. Fg baby acting like a tough bitch all these years resorts to that the moment someone dares to stick up for themselves in her presence.

There's shouting and screaming on everyone's side and I just call the damn police. My ex immediately tells them that this is his house too, and the officer just looks at him and his mother in disbelief, shakes her head and asks "This situation is already out of hand.

I am going to have to ask you and your mother to leave for at least a day or two until everyone calms down." I am so thankful she said that I burst into tears myself.

She gave me some very good advice that I wouldn't have thought of in the heat of the moment and she asked me if I could have some kind of family member stay with me for the next couple days because she was concerned they would come back and threaten me again.

Even better, I went to my own parents house and our house is empty right now as far as I know, but it is getting put on the marker asap.

Oh yeah, and for those of you wondering I gave myself a "Take this piece of s ring with you" moment before my ex and his mother left for good and I threw the ring past both of their heads when they were heading to their car.

The last thing I hear my ex screaming is "F NOOOO!" because god forbid he loses his fg $700 piece of garbage diamond ring that immediately depreciates to $200 the moment it slipped on my finger. He actually thought he could get all his money back for that thing.

I am so sorry if this entire post sounded incredibly immature, but that's pretty much all I can give you guys when it comes to my douche of an ex and his mother.

Please note that I have absolutely no more negative or positive emotions in regards to this situation and I am no longer thinking irrationally or planning on doing something irrational to myself or others (I don't give a f what my ex does, as long as he doesn't come anywhere near myself or my family).

Everything and everyone is perfectly safe and fine, and I really do feel 20 times lighter and happier than I did 2-3 days ago.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for her?

Sources: Reddit
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