Woman refuses to let in-laws be her baby's godparents; husband says, 'You're being too harsh.' AITA? UPDATED

When this woman is fed up with her in-laws, she asks the internet:

"AITA for not letting my in-laws be our sons godparents?"

My husband (25M) and I (27F) had our first baby two months ago and are over the moon to be parents.

We’ve been enjoying our time bonding together and sharing our little bundle of joy with our families while we can, as my husband is in the military and we are only going to be in town for a couple months before heading back to his duty station.

As other parents know, having a baby isn’t all fun and games, and there are certain things that need to be decided, one of them being our son’s baptism and godparent(s).

My husband is Catholic and I was baptized Lutheran, but I mainly attended non-denominational churches on and off growing up until I met my husband. We decided a long time ago we wanted our children to be raised in the Catholic Church.

An important detail for those who are unfamiliar, a godparent in the eyes of the Catholic Church is meant to serve as a religious guide and confidant to the child, and therefore must also be Catholic. This is where we started to run into some problems.

My husband’s entire immediate family is Catholic, as well as his maternal grandparents. I have a grandmother that is Catholic as well, but that is it. None of them are actively practicing the faith.

Unfortunately, due to my husband being in the military and his deployments, as well as COVID in the early years of our marriage, we have not been regularly attending the same church and have not made any connections.

However, my husband has a coworker and friend that he gets along with and enjoys spending time with in and outside of work who is Catholic, and has been very encouraging to my husband when it came to religion. We will call him James.

To me, James was the obvious choice as a godparent because he was a good friend to my husband and has always taken his faith seriously, but my husband disagreed. He felt that James may not always be around for our son, whereas his family, specifically his parents, would be.

I understood that was a possibility, but at the same rate, I didn’t feel it would be fair to place that responsibility on my in-laws when they didn’t even know if they believed anymore.

I know if asked, they would not say no, and I felt that they would now be forced to invest time in something that they potentially wanted no involvement with.

I also personally had a fear of showing favoritism towards my in-laws since we decided his parents would be the ones to have custody of our son if something happened to us, but this was not a deciding factor in our decision.

At this point, custody was not something we had talked to anyone about and we didn’t formally have in writing yet (this is important for later).

It took several conversations, but my husband and I came to an agreement that James was the best choice for the role. However, my husband wanted to give his parents the courtesy of explaining why we made this choice.

I asked him why he felt this way and wanted to make sure he wasn’t seeking advice from them because it’s our decision (he does this sometimes with difficult decisions for an extra viewpoint), and he assured me he was not, and that he felt it could catch them off guard and thought it was best to handle it this way.

My husband decided to talk to his dad first because his mom tends to get very emotional about these things.

His dad was supportive and said it was ultimately our choice, but that he didn’t think this conversation would go over well with his mom because she has expressed in private that she feels she failed as a parent from a religious standpoint.

My husband then brought up how they would be receiving custody if something happened to us, and his dad said that when he talked to his mom, he needed to focus on the custody aspect rather than the religious aspect to soften the blow.

When my husband was relaying this to me I was caught off guard, because our son’s custody had nothing to do with our decision for James to be the godparent and shouldn’t have even been brought up until we had it in formal writing, and that if we changed our minds we would be put in a bad position.

I said that it would be inappropriate to use our son’s custody as a cover-up for the real reason we chose James, and that it was unfair to my parents to hash out the intimate details of why we chose my in-laws over them with his mom.

My husband expressed that he felt it would save his mom from having her feelings hurt and revisiting the pain she feels from “failing” as a parent. I said that it’s not our responsibility to make his mom feel better for the actions she has made, and that we didn’t even need to provide an explanation to her.

After a moment of silence, my husband asked if I’d reconsider having his parents be the godparents. I said no, and that I knew the second he talked to his dad he would change his mind and we’d be back at square one again. What we want to do for our son is our decision, not anyone else’s.

He expressed that he was again worried about his mom feeling embarrassed about not being selected, especially during the baptism at the local church, and that maybe if we gave her the chance to be his godparent, she could make up for her shortcomings and feel better.

I again said no, I’m not setting the precedent that if she’s upset, we will give her what she wants.

We talked again for awhile but ultimately landed back to not fully having a decision. We are running out of time because we would ideally prefer to have the baptism before we head back to our duty station in November.

I could tell my husband was really struggling and I am wondering if maybe I was taking this too seriously or being too harsh on him, or setting him up to hurt his mom. AITA?

Let's see what readers had to say:

tropicsandcaffeine: Godparents are actually just symbolic now. My godchild has six godparents (three male, three female - only two are married couples). One is not actively religious. Two are not of the exact same religion. It also does not determine custody anymore.

Can you just have multiple god parents? If custody issues come up write up a legal document stating who you want to have custody.

OP: We will have custody put in our will, so there won’t be any questions of who will take him in. As far as the godparents go, we could have more but in the actual baptism they only allow for two, and they have to be of opposite six with one of the two being Catholic and the other a Christian.

My husband feels it would be weird to have my MIL and James be the godparents together, so it would either be both my in-laws or neither.

sunshinedaydream774: It kind of feels he’s more concerned with his moms feelings than yours- the other parent.

OP: His family is pretty close knit, so he cares a lot about what they think/feel. I’ve made it very clear the decisions are ours to make and I’ve stood and will continue to stand my ground.

Ordinarily, I would call myself easy-going but becoming a parent has really given me the confidence I need to stand up for what I want. My husband and I have agreed on almost everything, except for this matter.

I’m not sure why this time is different, but I’m trying to be patient as it’s the only issue we’ve had since our son has arrived and he seems very worked up about it.

jacklover writes:

NTA and I completely agree with you about not wanting to continue tiptoeing around MiL’s feelings! They are HER feelings, and HERS to cope with.

I grew up catholic and 2 of my 3 children are baptized. They have the same godparent, and I’ve never heard of the grandparents also being the godparents. Godparents are also your choice as you know, not someone to choose to make your MIL happy.

Also, as far as custody of your son, do you have an alternative chosen in case your in laws are too old or unable to care for your child? Idk there ages currently but this is something to consider. Are they young enough so to say, healthy enough, financially stable, etc.

This James you speak of sounds like he would be the best fit for the godparent role. And MiL will just have to deal with it. Your son or the choices that come in regards to him are not for your MIL’s emotional support.

murderapanttt writes:

Ugh. Stuff that involves religion is so emotional. People invest so much of themselves into a belief that they forget the very human aspects of it.

I grew up Catholic. I talked about religion with my god father when I was an adult. Not much interaction prior. My godmother. No really religious I go from her at all.

Why on earth would his mother be embarrassed?!? It’s not a position normally held by a grandparent. It is usually held by persons who will be around throughout a child life. Im sorry but s grandparent usually isn’t.

Mil should concentrate on being strong in her faith. That is what my very Catholic parents instilled in our family. I may not follow their faith but it doesn’t mean I lack faith.

Her job now is to be the best damn parent and grandparent on this earth. That’s a way more important position than a godparent. Most folks see the grandparent more than a godparent.

Your spouse on the other hand needs to not worry so much about his mothers feelings. She is an adult. She should manage them herself and get over any disappointment.

Also in some faiths the hod parent is actually the people who are not only instructed to help guide a child in their faith but also to have custody of the child if the parents pass on.

cured writes:

NTA. You only need one Catholic godparent, FYI. The other(s) just needs to be a practicing Christian. Having someone from your side would be a good way to balance this out.

I am Catholic and have never heard of the grandparents being godparents. Literally, never. Having godparents is more about widening the circle of those who care for your child. In my church, choosing family members is very rare unless it's an aunt/uncle of the child.

Your husband needs to get his priorities straight and fast. His parents are no longer his immediate family. They are extended family. And he needs to stop putting their emotions ahead of anything else.

They are adults. If they can't handle not getting what they want at all times, that is a big problem. Especially when there's a child in the mix who needs good role models, not tantrum-throwing elders. The only focus should be on what you and your husband agree is best for your baby.

cobnoil writes:

Catholic here. Married to a Catholic with Orthodox Christian roots. Ultimately, I would strongly caution against using either set of your parents for this role. Godparents are most useful in the older childhood to teen years, when the child is questioning their faith.

By that time most grandparents are getting a bit long in the tooth, and may not be fully functional, cognitively. I would choose a close relative or lifelong friend over a grandparent.

Second, having grandparents as godparents sets up a weird hierarchy, with your IL’s having more “bragging rights” over your parents, who may someday decide to feel slighted…

In my own life, my parents chose a couple they were close to for my godparents. They then quickly ghosted out when I was a baby, and I have never met them. They agreed to be my Godparents, then played absolutely no role in my religious upbringing. After that fiasco, my folks chose a great aunt and uncle as my sister’s godparents, which was a more stable choice.

This Auntie ended up as my confirmation sponsor years later when I finally confirmed under R.C.I.A. in college. IMO, it’s easier to stay close to family members, and you can honor a favorite aunt or uncle with this role.

Lastly, you don’t need to do this immediately. We are also a military family, and know about the churn of moves and new duty stations.

If you are planning to keep James as a forever friend, and not “friend for a season”, then by all means use him. Otherwise, a relative or lifelong friend that is also Catholic may be the best choice. You do not need to do this now. Kids get baptized at all times, even when they are a few years old, and it all works out just fine in the eyes of the Church.

And now, OP's update:

Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post and provided support and guidance. We officially had my son’s baptism Sunday, so I wanted to wait and make sure everything went smoothly before posting an update.

Shortly after my first post, my husband had to leave town for a training, so he went back to his duty station to get all his equipment ready since he didn’t have it where we are currently living. This meant that he got to spend some time with James and get away from the stresses of home.

As I initially thought, as soon as my husband spent some time with James, he felt good again about our original decision to have him as the godfather. He spoke with James and he was extremely honored and excited to have this special role in our son’s life.

My husband went to his training and was gone for almost six weeks, so I was handling everything at home, including details for the baptism. My husband said that he wanted to be able to talk to his mom in person about the godparent decision before I sent out details, so I respected that and avoided the conversation with her.

When my husband flew back into town, we decided to have his mom pick him up so I could take care of our son.

The airport is an hour away and he was getting in late, so we didn’t want to take our son out and mess up his sleep schedule. When my husband got home, he said that he talked to her and she didn’t seem phased by the conversation, and that she even seemed peppy.

I was relieved that everything went well, especially for my husband’s sake. I did feel slightly upset about all the unnecessary stress, but based off of past situations I could understand why my husband was worried about navigating the situation.

Everything with my MIL was smooth sailing from there. She went online and to the store to buy baptismal gifts, talked to us regularly about her excitement for us, and even offered to help host a lunch afterwards so everyone could spend time together and celebrate the occasion.

James came into town and my MIL, along with the rest of the family, was warm and welcoming.

Unfortunately there was some other drama unrelated to my MIL that happened at the actual baptism, I haven’t decided if I would share yet, but i’m glad everything worked out in the end. Thanks again and you may be hearing from me again soon.