Woman REFUSES to change her vacation to attend childhood best friend's wedding. AITA? UPDATED 3X

"WIBTA if I don't change my holiday to go to my childhood best friend's wedding ceremony?"

My childhood best friend (let's call her Kate) is getting married next May. I RSVP'd to her wedding last week, and then my boyfriend and I booked a holiday last night.

I looked at my calendar and we were looking at holidays avoiding the date of her wedding. At the very last minute, we realised we could fly to our chosen holiday from our local airport instead of a London airport, which was perfect for us and we booked it. I forgot, however, to check if the flights were the same days, and they're one day different, meaning we'll fly back on the day of her wedding.

I realised immediately after booking but the call centre for the holiday place was closed.

After calling them this morning, to shorten the holiday is going to cost £305 in fees, to change it will cost £450, or £600 to cancel!

In the 4 years I've been with my boyfriend, I haven't seen Kate in person, as we now live at different ends of the country. I've only mentioned her a handful of times, and we probably only talk every couple of months.

But she's still my longest friend and godparent to my eldest daughter. Because my boyfriend doesn't see her as one of my best friends, he said he'd be very upset if I paid the difference myself, as I owe him money for other things.

As long as the flight isn't delayed, I can still make most of the wedding but I'll miss the actual ceremony by 10 minutes. If the flight is delayed, I'll potentially miss it all.

I just explained it all to Kate and she's really upset and although she didn't explicitly say it, I think she is expecting me to change the holiday so I can make the ceremony.

Am I the asshole if I don't change the holiday and just go to the evening part of the wedding?

Let's see what readers thought:

vaca writes:

YTA if you don't change the flight, pretty much regardless of if you can afford it since you weren't careful while booking an unrelated vacation. You said you'd be able to come but now you can't because you wanted a vacation with your boyfriend, I don't think there is anyway to see that as not being a bad friend if you end up not attending.

flan6 writes:

YWBTA. You made a commitment to someone who cares enough about you to invite you to their wedding and are now considering not going purely because of your own carelessness. Also, why are you going on a holiday when you owe your bf money for other things? Surely if he cares enough about the £300 you should be paying whatever you owe back before luxuries such as holidays?

OP updates:

I hear you. And the friendship is extremely important! She's not just a childhood friend to me, I was just trying to make it clear why my boyfriend doesn't see it that way, so he doesn't look like an ass for being mad about me spending the extra money.

If you'd been there, you would've seen how hard I tried to be careful. I have ADHD so I try desperately not to f things like this up. I had my planners out, big post-its with the dates we needed to avoid. And almost fell out with my boyfriend over my insistence of double checking everything.

But somehow, at the last minute, managed to miss the date change. And my boyfriend also missed it so it can't have been particularly obvious. We both saw the times had changed, but not the date. Honestly, I couldn't hate myself for this more. It's the second time in my life I've booked a flight wrong so I truly did try to be extra careful.

As for the money, I admit it felt like a tall order to pay that much to change it. Bear in mind, my half of the holiday is only £630. So £450 is A LOT in comparison. Meanwhile, my boyfriend is reminding me I owe him money and all the things we could do with £450 (we could've got a better holiday, because I insisted on a cheaper one, it would cover my spending money, I could give it to her as a wedding present etc).

However, my gut, from the start, has been saying to change it. And you redditors have made it very clear that's the right thing to do.

So I WILL be paying the £450, and changing the dates. And will just have to hope nothing else crops up and I can pay my boyfriend back when agreed too. And then everything will be hunky dory (apart from my shattered self esteem of course)

Update 2:

I never really felt the holiday was a great choice, because I'm currently living paycheck-to-paycheck due to illness that's set me back with my work and therefore eaten into my savings.

But boyfriend really, really wanted it and I stupidly let him talk me into it because in theory it's far out enough for me to catch up and have extra, and he compromised with a much cheaper holiday than he wanted.

Also, you make it sound like I scheduled it to clash on purpose. I didn't, I desperately tried to avoid it - and a minefield of other dates we need to be home for. This week, the kids are already away with their dad for 4-5 days so it made sense for it to be this week.

I already felt extremely uncomfortable about coming back the day before! I tried to triple and double check everything, I had my planner out and post it notes and I really tried, but somehow I missed that changing the airport changed the date.

My boyfriend also managed to miss this when he double checked it, so it can't have been particularly obvious, we both saw that the times had changed but both of us missed the date.

I will stand by that I wasn't TA for my mistake - an absolute useless idiot, yes, but I desperately tried to not f anything up, and my intentions weren't in any way for it to clash.

Whether I'm an asshole or not hangs in how I handle it. And I don't want to be as asshole. So I'll be finding the money and changing the dates.

Readers continued to weigh in:

crackerfa writes:

I didn’t say you scheduled your vacation over the wedding on purpose. IMO, it’s still AH behavior, because intention doesn’t equal impact. You scheduled a vacation you currently can’t afford at the same time as your friend’s wedding. Therefore, if you keep your plans as is, you’ll miss your friend’s wedding. That’s AH behavior.

I’m glad you’re going to do your best to try and make it back for the ceremony, but it was still a bit of AH behavior to schedule a trip so close to the wedding when you admit that you could’ve waited for a later date.

Also, your boyfriend sounds like an AH in general for holding money over your head and for coercing you into going on a trip when you’ve been dealing with health issues and you don’t have the funds to go.

Update 3:

Entire situation is definitely making me realise BF is being a bit of an asshole tbh :(I definitely felt uncomfortable booking a holiday at all, I felt extremely uncomfortable booking it for the day before.

And I would've changed the flights last night but he's the one reminding me I owe him money and I shouldn't do it and if she's a real friend she'd understand (like what???!!!!) - he's fairly well off financially, and I think if he was supportive he would be reassuring me I can take a bit longer to pay back if I need to?

Although I'm probably an asshole for thinking that too...

Side note - you say I admit I could book it for later, but I don't admit that. I had very limited options available for my budget and avoiding other events we have in the calendar next year. The dates I'll be moving it to in June actually clash with another wedding (but acquaintances who likely wont mind that we can't go) and mean I'll miss a week with my kids. I did my best.

But I've definitely learnt several heard lessons here - I should've just stuck to saying no and stood my ground. I should've double and triple checked the flights better and written down everything so I wouldn't miss something important. And I should've just changed the flights straight away and never told Kate at all.