Woman refuses to accept mother's new boyfriend; 'There are too many red flags. Who is this guy REALLY?!' AITA? UPDATED 6X

When this woman is freaked out by her mom's new boyfriend, she asks the internet:

"AITA For Not Accepting My Mother's Boyfriend? the saga?"

So, I know most people here aren't professionals, but I'd like to know if this signifies a toxic relationship, because sometimes I'm not sure.

Background: I'm 21 and still live with my mother (I have a job, contribute financially, and save money whenever possible, but anyway, I'm currently stuck here). I never had a support system outside of my mother growing up, and didn't get a "real" job until I turned 20.

I knew about her boyfriend before she told me, because she talked to him constantly. I couldn't get her undivided attention when we'd sit down and have a conversation. She mentioned to him that she'd let him move in with us, but I never imagined it'd happen so quickly.

We just finished our Christmas dinner, and she tells me at 8:00 p.m. that he's coming here to "visit for Christmas," and will arrive at midnight.

I go to my room by 10:00 p.m. , and by 6:00 p.m. the next day, he's still here. I go and ask her why he's still here, and she says he lives with us now.

(BACKGROUND ON HIS SITUATION: he's 49 with an 8 year old daughter in another state. He terminated his lease in preparation to move in with us, but stayed with his daughter during Christmas.

He couldn't renew his lease, so moving in with us was an "emergency," and he came here with no job and no money saved. To me, this shoots off red flags left and right. Additionally, he has prior assault charges that my mother wrote off as "he was young and stupid," but never specifed exactly what happened and says we should be thankful he was honest about it).

I've never met this man in my life, and now I'm told that he's LIVING with us, just like that--- my bedroom door does not close properly, and the only working shower is connected to her bedroom, which he's already made himself at home in.

Regardless of whether or not she's done her due diligence, I am not comfortable. I tell her this, and that I'd have preferred to meet him in a public place, where I would feel less vulnerable. The following happens:

First, she says it's not my place to say anything because it's her house and I don't pay her enough to complain (not for lack of trying. She often won't take my money unless she's in a pinch).

She then says that it's HER boyfriend and she deserves to be happy, and that things don't always go my way.

Next, she admits that it was inconsiderate but says she is incapable of disrespecting me in her house, because only she can be disrespected in this case (she actually said this almost word for word). She's mad that I didn't sit and have dinner with him or come to present myself to him at all.

She "apologises," by saying "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you don't get to make any demands here." I tell her that I don't accept her apology because nothing about it is genuine, and she isn't acting very sorry.

She begins screaming that nothing she does is good enough for me, and employs the tried and true "I know I wasn't the best mother but I worked hard to put a roof over your head" routine she does every single time I have any grievance with her. Furthermore, she speculates that I'm jealous, can't accept her happiness, and have no room in my heart for anybody else. I don't respond.

After a stretch of silence, she gets weepy and says she's going to kick him out because she's used to not being happy anway. Tells me to just leave the way my brother did because clearly she's always the problem.

He's still here, and she is acting as if her previous outburst didn't happen. I wonder if I overreacted, and I know I've never been quick to accept change, but I feel uncomfortable in my own house. Currently she's inviting him into every aspect of our lives and getting pissed that I don't like it.

Before we give you OP's 6 updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

hobqueen writes:

Nope nope nope nope. Where is your brother? Can he help you at all? Also, any time a narc uses the "I'm sorry you feel that way" I hope you know already that is the opposite of an apology.

Obviously you already know she's crazy; I'm not going to point out all the red flags in your post, because you already know they're there otherwise you wouldn't have posted them. I know you said you can't get out, I know how that feels..... find a way to close and LOCK your bedroom door.

Also get a nanny cam. Even if boyfriend leaves, you can still use it for your mother. (I personally used a website and some motion-detecting software, bc my mother was always looking through my drawers... for what, I'll never know!)

feenta writes:

That man is going to take all of OOP’s mom’s money and run. His convictions on money related crimes should be enough to come to that conclusion. He’s one of those abusing men that know women’s weaknesses and is adept at exploiting it.

And now, OP's 1st Update:

I'm 21 and still live with my mother, but I contribute financially. After we finish Christmas dinner, she tells me her boyfriend she met online is coming to "visit for Christmas" at midnight.

6:00 p.m. the next day, he's still here. She tells me that he just lives with us now. I tell her that this is not okay and I don't feel comfortable, because I don't know this man and my door doesn't shut properly.

She tells me that I don't pay her enough to have any complaints, he "won't hurt" me, and that she cannot disrespect me in her own house, because she is the only one who can be slighted in this situation.

I tell her that I'd have at least wanted to first meet him in a public place on my own terms so that I could feel comfortable before this strange man just inhabited my space.

She says she deserves to be happy, sometimes things don't go my way, I'm just jealous and have no room in my heart for anybody, and she apologizes by saying verbatim "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you don't get to make any demands here."

(BACKGROUND ON HIM: he's 50 years old with a child in another state. He terminated his lease and left everything behind to come and live with my mother, but stayed back to have Christmas with his daughter and couldn't renew his lease, so coming here was an "emergency." He came here with no job and no money saved up).

I admit I was quite cold to her after that, and acted cordial but mostly indifferent with this new fellow. I also pushed back at her attempt to include him in quite literally everything we do.

This all infuriated her. Several times, she's gotten weepy and says she's being forced to choose between her boyfriend and her daughter but she'll do it for me because she's used to not being happy.

I knew she was bluffing and tried to be stone-faced through all this crying. He's still here. Did I overreact?

Update 2:

"I've been doing a lot of research on abusive parent dynamics, and I don't like to make armchair diagnoses, but my mother has strong Cluster B personality disorder tendencies, and it explains why so many things I remember her doing made me so angry but I couldn't explain why.

And it's still there, like I stored it in my body... I wasn't sure about it until my brother was finally a willing witness to one of her meltdowns at me. That's why he left.

Now, I am far from being a staunch feminist and harbour my own homemaking Christian household fantasies, but this man is most definitely a chauvinist. He will not touch anything in the kitchen, even make his own coffee; he asks my mother for a beer during a movie and has her hold it for him so he can hold all of his snacks.

If I'm carrying something very light that I'm not struggling with by any stretch (i.e. just taking kitchen trash outside) he will take it from me without a word and won't take "no" for an answer. He comes into my room to turn on my heater when I'm not there because HE thinks I'm not staying warm.

He insists on knowing where I am at all times and gets upset if he doesn't get to watch me eat. When she's home, he expects my mother to be in bed when he is--- no exceptions. He always has something to say about her driving no matter how safe it is--- ALWAYS. It's not cute. It's not gentlemanly. I'm not a child. At least overly traditionalist men have jobs.

Actually, that man fixed my door. It was very nice of him and I thanked him. He still makes me uncomfortable.

The lock that's on it is the useless push pin kind that you can pick with a piece of dry spaghetti. I can't even lock THAT, because she thinks it's disrespectful and I have no reason to feel unsafe.

Update 3:

"F, MANI looked up his first name into his state's crime database and got a hit for a man with the same first name, an almost identical mugshot, and the height, age, etc all add up. Four counts of burglary and three counts of narcotic possession."

"I only know a first name. I asked his last name, and she said it's none of my business."

Update 4:

The first time I left my mother, I returned and found laid out in the living room... a very long note with sui%idal implications + financial information as if it was a will.

Saying roughly... "Do not weep for me... this is the natural course of things as I've been fighting demons all my life"... "I told myself that I would only stay in this world until my children no longer need me..."

and admission that she sometimes did many of the things I said she did, tailed by a claim that she just wanted to toughen me up, saying I held the family together.

Next to it, there was an old prescription bottle of half-empty antibiotics that wouldn't really do much if you took a large dose at once (I looked it up).

I told her I found the note and read it. She acted as if it was no big deal, and honestly it's the only reason I haven't moved out and cut contact with her.

Update 5:

My mother apologised with the good old "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you--" and for the first time, I told her point blank that I don't accept her apology because it isn't genuine, and broke down why.

She interpreted this as me being ungrateful and apologies meaning nothing to me. When I told her that I'm not, in fact, attacking her, she told me I'm gas lighting her. That's when I realised there was no getting through to her the way she is now.

Update 6:

I apologise if this ends up being longer than the first. A lot has changed in that month or so. Many new things came to light in only a few days. A few people there asked me for an update post, and I decided to put it on my own profile for followers to see so that it doesn't take up space in the subreddit. I'll try to keep it brief.

Within less than a week of this guy being here, my mother changed his address to our house. I thought this was a terrible idea, because he did not yet have a job, but he had resident's rights.

I treat him as a roommate. I speak if spoken to, but I stay out of his way. I thought that would be sufficient. The next few weeks, she tells me that she can't believe I'm so inconsiderate, my attitude is inexcusable, and he's family whether I like it or not. She makes this convoluted speculation that I'm plotting to undermine her happiness.

I had to admit to some very unpleasant experiences in order to justify being upset with a strange man in my house. She somehow managed to make this about herself--- he's not a stranger to HER, she can't believe I don't feel safe confiding in her, and it's okay for me to hold a grudge because she'll always love me.

I got to the mail box before he could, find his full name, and looked him up. He has nine felony convictions (mostly fast money crimes and animal cruelty), some dropped assault charges, and several restraining order violations. I sat on this information until I left.

The night before I left, he was trying to help me buy a car (I never asked him to). In my state, I cannot renew my expired permit and need to hold onto a new one for six months until I can get my license, so I wouldn't be able to register it for half a year--- plus, I wanted to save my money.

He found a very nice car, and took out 500 at an ATM (he said he was flat broke) to put down on it as I couldn't access all of my funds on a bank holiday. I told him that I didn't want the car because it would have been all of my savings, and that he should have asked me first.

He tells me this car is a "once in a lifetime opportunity," and makes a big deal about me not appreciating his help, claiming he could drive the car until I got my license (his car is BARELY a car--- he admitted to investing all of his funds into boats and motorcycles).

I tell him that clearly we simply have different priorities, but he needs to respect that it's my money. He "broke up" with my mother three times in the course of a weekend over this decision. Somehow, she does not see any red flags here.

The next day, my cat needs an emergency operation, which eats up a good 75% of my savings, but I'm glad I still had the money. Mother's boyfriend tells me I should have put the cat down and bought the car.

The place I'm at does not allow pets. I had that I had to leave my cats behind, but I can only trust she will take care of them. I tried to pay my ex boyfriend to help me move all that I could pack (he wouldn't take the money) and left some time in the evening. I sent her an email before I did, as she wasn't home.

At 4:00 AM I get a call and a string of frantic texts begging me to come back--- no judgement, no screaming. I decline, because I would never get such an offer if she still had control over me. She insists that I ran away and via climbing through a window and "abandoned the family."

I told her, 1. I didn't run away. I'm an adult. I just walked out. 2. It's her mess, not mine. 3. He is not family, and her trying to impose him upon me had only one possible outcome.

Anyway, I have moved out and am now LC with her. Looking for another job. My skin is clearing up. Life is great. No, really--- it's wonderful.