Woman refuses to allow husband to use engagement ring from mom's ex affair partner, 'It’s a $35K ring.'

"AITA for not allowing my husband to use my mom’s ring?"

A little bit of background. My mom had an affair for YEARS with a good family friend. After my parents divorced over it, she stayed with him and my sister and I lived with them because it made more sense to be with our mom. I was 15 at the time and my sister was 19. They got engaged but it didn’t end up working out. It was a weird time in my life and I have very negative feelings towards him.

Fast forward almost 25 years. I’m married with kids. Have a gorgeous wedding band/engagement ring that I love. I break my ring finger this past fall. In the ER they had to cut my rings in pieces. Very sad, but the rings are salvageable. I had to get surgery on the finger and the surgeon told me to wait a year to fix my rings because it would take that long for it to go back to its normal size.

After the surgery, my mom calls me and tells me that she still has the engagement ring from that man and since my ring is in pieces, I was welcome to have it. This was a bit of a surprise. It’s easily a $35K ring. Gorgeous 2+ carat diamond platinum with an incredible setting and wedding band. It’s admittedly beautiful.

When I told my husband about it, he was very excited and encouraged me to jump on the opportunity. He loves jewelry. But I explained to him how I felt about it and we argued a bit about it because he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t take it, etc etc. He felt like it was owed to me after everything I’ve gone through.

In the end we ended up taking it after our visit over thanksgiving because my mom was just keeping it in her bathroom drawer and we have a large safe, so I figured it was best to keep it locked up. Then without my knowledge, my husband took it to a jeweler to get it appraised and has approached me with some ideas for redesigning my ring using my mom’s.

He is trying to make it sound like he did me a favor and that this is beneficial for everyone. I have been very clear. Feel free to redesign my ring and use any other jewelry I have, but do not touch my mom’s ring. It belongs to me, my sister, and my mom, and we will decide what to do with it.

Furthermore, I don’t want that man’s diamond on my finger. My stomach turns at the thought of him. My husband thinks I’m being unreasonable and is angry about the fact that I can’t see that he’s trying to do a “good” thing and I don’t appreciate it. AITA?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Boysenberry said:

NTA, it sounds like he wants to impress his friends by making them think he bought you expensive jewelry when he didn’t. Ask him why he wants to put an adultery ring on his wife’s finger? Even if to him it’s just a beautiful piece of jewelry, the effect will be to have his wife thinking about an extramarital affair every time she wears her wedding ring.

ColdstreamCapple said

NTA. And if your husband can’t see or respect your point of view and chose to sneak behind your back to alter a ring you didn’t want I think you have bigger problems. From my point of view he’s just jeopardized the marriage and I’d be wondering do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t care about your feelings?

Friendship_Local said:

NTA. Husband sounds like he’s actually trying to be helpful (and get some a$$ets) but it is ok to tell him to back off. Maybe he can take the lead on reconstructing your original engagement ring…you said you loved it as is!

imamage_fightme said:

NTA and frankly, since your husband doesn't seem to be listening to you repeatedly saying you don't want to use the ring, and he has shown he will go behind your back by getting the ring appraised, I would recommend removing the ring from your house and taking it back to your mum's. I would hate for you to come home one day and find out he has had the ring dismantled for parts.

fa_gary1963 said:

NTA. Give back the ring to your mom, as you said it is yours, your sister and mom your husband would definitely redesign it without your permission. Send it back ASAP

Ravenclaw_Royality said:

NTA, but if you don’t want him to secretly use that ring to “fix” your old rings I would hide the ring somewhere else because I 100% see him using the ring with out your permission.

Considering he has already ignored your feels multiple times I would be very wary of him. It could be a ego thing where he wants his friends/people to think he bought you this expensive ring but that doesn’t give him the ok to bulldoze over your feelings.

enameledkoi said:

NTA and maybe suggest to your mom that you got it appraised and can sell it for X and split it between you and her and your sister. Or give the money to your mom for her retirement or something. Literally anything other than sitting in a bathroom drawer or being used as a status symbol by your husband.