Woman refuses to announce IVF pregnancy to in-laws, insists husband 'be patient.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to announce my pregnancy to my-laws and telling my husband to be patient?"
I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant with my IVF baby. My husband and I struggle with infertility due to PCOS and mild male factor infertility over the past three years. My husband is 25 and I’m 26. We got married at 23 and started trying for a baby right away and unfortunately we were never successful at conceiving until we did our first round of IVF.
I’m super cautious about this pregnancy because it’s still super early and unfortunately my mother spilled the beans to my immediate family that I was pregnant. Fortunately I was able to do damage control and have my 6 family members swear to secrecy that they would not tell anyone until 20 weeks.
My husband and I initially made a deal to not tell anyone till we graduated from our IVF clinic at 12/13 weeks. I told my initially and she was the one who spilled the beans about my pregnancy. My husband was very upset and he has been asking if he could share with his family about the pregnancy since my family already knows.
I told him that I’m not comfortable sharing with his parents because they have made rude comments about referring to any of our future children as test tube babies. They say it in a really demeaning way that I do not like. I’ve never gotten along with my in-laws since particularly my mother-in-law kept asking when we would have a baby even though I told her about our struggles.
My husband feels it’s unfair my family knows about our pregnancy and that he wants to share with his family. I’ve been telling my husband to be patient and wait till we graduate the clinic because the last thing I need is my mother-in-law giving her opinion on a miscarriage.
We’ve been having heated arguments on the issue and I feel like my husband is being unfair since this is my pregnancy. I’m the one that had to administer medications to myself, get put under to have my eggs retrieved, and deal with the emotional impact/stress of pregnancy. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable asking him to wait literally 5 more weeks.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
JeepersCreepers74 said:
NTA, but both your moms are. Your mom should have understood the importance of keeping this secret, not to mention the fact that this was news I'm sure you would have happily shared with your family once the time was right, and she stole that opportunity from you.
MIL is just terrible and I haven't heard someone refer to "test tube babies" since the 90s. I can see why your husband thinks it's unfair that most of your family knows and nobody in his family does--but he has to understand that it is your MIL's behavior that is requiring you to wait, and not a situation where you are playing favorites.
If, however, anyone in your family is (a) as loose-lipped as your mom and (b) in touch with your in-laws, then I think you should go ahead and tell them. It would be terrible if they found out first from someone other than the parents to be.
mfruitfly said:
NTA. This is deeply unfair to his family- that your family knows and his doesn't- and it doesn't matter. The reason it doesn't matter is because you not telling people is about your mental health, not about status or who you love or don't like. The reason people wait to tell other people about a pregnancy is because it can be devastating to then have to tell people if it doesn't work out, and to have to have conversations, and sympathy, and reminders.
This isn't about your family getting information that his is not getting, this is about what YOU need right now, and how you are protecting yourself and feeling comfortable in this pregnancy, end of story. Your husband can either accept that no, it isn't fair, but what matters now is your health, your mental health, your comfort, and the trust you have between you two, or he can put his family knowing something first above all of that. And as a reminder, his family literally suffers nothing by waiting. They do not wake up and tear their clothes wondering when the magical child will be brought forth, they are fine.
It absolutely sucks that your mother told people, and you should have some very stern words with her and even consider whether, down the road, there is some way you can "make it up" to his family over yours. Ya that sounds childish a little, but maybe when you tell his family, you do a cute way of doing it (future grandma shirt) that your mother now doesn't get because she blew the trust you placed in her.
And that leads me to the next point- maybe his family doesn't even deserve that if they are going to shit on how you are having this child and disparage this actual child. Your husband has a bigger problem to deal with first, because I would never let a child around family that would say stuff like that, no matter if it was "jokes" or "just how they feel."
So he needs to be ready to fully deal with how his family is treating the situation, just as you need to deal with what your mother did. And if you both deal with that appropriately and as a team- as you should- you STILL shouldn't tell his family or anyone else until YOU, the pregnant person, is ready.
Just_here2020 said:
NTA Is this where fair suddenly means something? One, Nothing about pregnancy and breastfeeding is fair. Two, nothing about IVF is fair. It’s 30-50 shots including in the butt, other meds, multiple doctor visits, and at least two surgeries for women. For the guy, it’s coming in a cup a couple times.
Three, you didn’t mess up. Your mom did. And now you should be put in a vulnerable position, after unfairly more effort has been made on your part to get pregnant? That’s a very weird take by your husband. Four, I’d be asking him how else he thinks pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding should be "fair?" What is he planning to do to make this process fair to you?
Ok_Discount_7889 said:
YTA - slightly. Your husband agreed to not share the news with the exception of one person who could offer you additional support. Now six members of your family know, while none of his do. That part is not your fault of course, but your husband has two issues to deal with:
His parents find out six members of your family knew for weeks before they were told. Something awful happens and you have a mother and potentially other family rallying around you to show their support. He’s got no one, unless you allow him to tell his parents in retrospect, which is an awful conversation to have (trust me).
This is coming from someone that did IVF and struggled with infertility for many years. It’s awful. No doubt about it. But it’s hard on your partner as well, and you’re putting him in a tough spot. I would let him tell them but in private where he can explain your wish to keep it quiet for a few more weeks and let them know how hurtful “test tube” comments are and that they won’t be tolerated.
Dear-Midnight said:
NTA. It's very common even without IVF not to announce pregnancy till the second trimester. Best of luck to you!
chuckinhoutex said:
NTA- and I'm sad to tell you that you do not just have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem. Tell him that you 100% need his support during this pregnancy. Add that you are both sorry and pissed that your mom violated your trust but that does not create any sort of logic trigger that allows a download of information to his family. Nothing has happened that changes the reasoning behind the initial decision. Whether it's "fair" or not is irrelevant because this is to do with your well being and levels of stress during the pregnancy.
Further you need to make an explicit agreement with him in regards to a zero tolerance policy regarding bullshit from them. If they speak ill of the baby or nature of conception, they will not be allowed a relationship, and that they need to be explicitly told that by him when it is time for the announcement so that they are not given a chance even once to say something unforgiveable