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Woman REFUSES to attend her husband's best friend's wedding. 'Bonnie is insane.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

Woman REFUSES to attend her husband's best friend's wedding. 'Bonnie is insane.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

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When this woman is weirded out by her husband's best friend's wedding, she asks the internet:

"Am I wrong for not wanting to go to my husband’s best friend’s wedding?"

I honestly don’t even know where to start, I apologize if the timeline is difficult to follow. My (30F) husband (30M) is currently a nurse. Two years ago, my husband, let’s call him Wayne, enrolled in a one year, accelerated nursing program at a university in our city.

This was a super intense program that basically shoved four years of nursing school into one year. (The program is designed for people who already have an undergrad degree and have completed pre-reqs for the program) Wayne quit his job so he could focus all of his energy on the nursing program and pass the NCLEX.

I was fully supportive of this and basically told him whatever he needed to do to study and feel prepared, I was game. I think it is important to mention that Wayne and I have been together for 15 years now, we are high school sweethearts.

During the first week of his program, Wayne met two other students and became friends with them. I will call them Bonnie (27F) and Gail (28F).

The three of them became fast friends and quickly made a habit of studying together every single day for almost a year.

They would take turns going to each other’s houses for study sessions. The majority of the time the three would be at our house because it was somewhat in the middle between their houses and the university. Since I worked during the day, they could study all day if they wanted.

I also really liked Bonnie and Gail. Eventually, we all became friends and Bonnie’s boyfriend, Dan (27M), and Gail’s girlfriend, Tanis (28F) would come over for dinners. Before anyone asks

I had absolutely no issue with Wayne befriending women or spending time with them. Wayne and I are best friends and have a very secure relationship. I trust him completely.

Not to mention, Bonnie and Gail were also in relationships, so it was no big deal. Eventually, Wayne and Bonnie even helped Gail work through some of her relationship drama and helped her break up with Tanis. The get-togethers became smaller after that, because Tanis was gone and Dan was working more and couldn’t come.

Fast forward to graduation, Wayne and Bonnie decided that they wanted to work in the Emergency Department and Gail was going to work in a less intense area. Both Wayne and Bonnie got a job at the same ER and their shifts would be similar so they would be co-workers.

We all thought this was awesome because that particular ER is in a tough part of town and they see a lot of level one traumas. It’s great that Wayne and Bonnie can “debrief” after shifts and vent to each other.

Gail was forced to go on night shift, which was the opposite schedule of Wayne and Bonnie. Over the past year, Wayne and Gail haven’t really spoken. Wayne rationalized that they both got really busy and just lost touch. Bonnie still spoke regularly with Gail.

Around this time, Dan proposed to Bonnie! This was a long time coming and we were all very happy for them. Bonnie said that Wayne and I were definitely invited and it was going to be so much fun!

The happy couple eventually told us that the wedding would not be in town, but take place in a state far away. Easily twelve to thirteen hours drive or a flight away. While that would be a lot of money for us, we said that we would do our best to come.

Bonnie asked Gail to be a bridesmaid and we were super pumped because it would be like a small reunion! At this time, I found out I was pregnant!! We had been trying for a while and we were so happy.

It would work out great because our baby boy would be approximately nine months old at the time of the wedding. Old enough that we could leave him for a day or two with my parents to go to the wedding.

Fast forward to last week. On Tuesday, Bonnie hand delivered Wayne our invitation to their wedding. I was able to request off work and we’ve been slowly saving money to travel for the wedding.

On Friday, Bonnie pulled Wayne aside after their shift. Bonnie said that her and Dan had a really bad fight because Bonnie invited Wayne and I to the wedding. Wayne was very confused, why would Dan be upset that we were invited? Bonnie then said:

Since Wayne, Bonnie, and Gail met in nursing school, Gail has been under the delusion that Wayne was in love with her. Apparently, Bonnie and Dan would talk with Gail almost EVERY DAY and tell Gail that there was nothing between her and Wayne.

Gail would insist that Wayne was in love with her. Bonnie would tell Gail that she was in the room when such and such happened and there was nothing that happened. As time went on, Gail started to badmouth me to Bonnie and Dan.

She would say that I was manipulative and I was mean to Wayne, etc. Gail started saying that she needed to break up with Tanis because Wayne and her were going to be together. Eventually, Gail thought that Wayne was going to leave me to be with her.

Bonnie and Dan continued to tell Gail that she was crazy and nothing was happening. When Wayne told them that we were trying for a baby, Gail started a whole other delusion that Wayne and her were going to have kids.

According to Bonnie, during one of our dinners when it was just the four of us, I said something that Gail then passed on to Dan. This was around the time of a school shooting where an AR-15 was used. For context, I was a teacher in an urban school district for five years.

During those five years, I was in five lockdowns, one of which had an armed intruder. While I am not anti-gun, I feel very strongly about school safety and gun restrictions. Dan enjoys guns and owns an AR-15.

He is also very passionate about gun safety. Gail told Dan that I said something to the effect of “anyone who owns an AR-15 has those children’s blood on their hands”.

I can say with 100% certainty that I never said that. I am sure because that is a super unhinged thing to say and it would never come to my mind to say that. If anything, I would have said that AR-15s shouldn’t be so readily available to citizens and there should be restrictions in place so these tragedies don’t happen.

Regardless, Gail told Dan that I allegedly said this. According to Bonnie, Gail talked to Dan without Bonnie present and she was unaware that this conversation had taken place.

Dan was very angry and hurt by what Gail said and chose to internalize his anger towards me. Apparently, Dan decided he no longer wanted to see Wayne and I and lied about his work schedule so as to not attend dinners with us.

It was not until a couple months after this, that Bonnie invited Dan to dinner at our house and he said, “why would I spend time with those people after what they said?”. Bonnie was confused and then Dan told her what Gail told him.

Bonnie told Dan that those words were never spoken and Gail was lying. By this point, Dan had convinced himself that I had said those things and didn’t believe Gail would lie.

When they graduated from nursing school and started working, they stopped hanging out as much because of their schedules. Gail took this as Wayne “ghosting” her and “breaking up” with her. Gail continued to bad mouth me and Wayne.

When Dan found out that Bonnie had given us a wedding invitation, he was livid. He felt that Bonnie went behind his back to invite us even though “we hurt him”.

When Wayne reiterated this to me, I was shocked. We had been completely in the dark about this whole thing FOR TWO YEARS. Bonnie had been acting like nothing was wrong.

After almost every shift, Wayne and Bonnie talk on the phone. Not once has she even mentioned anything about this. Gail is still in the wedding party despite this. Dan still hates us.

Bonnie wants Wayne and I to be at her wedding and says, “she can’t get married without her best friend [Wayne] there”.

Firstly, Bonnie has lied by omission for two years. Frankly, I don’t trust Bonnie anymore. I am skeptical that we have all of the information and there isn’t something more at play here.

Secondly, I am offended that Dan would think that I said those things. And I’m shocked he would blindly believe Gail, especially after her delusions about Wayne.

Thirdly, why would I want to go to a wedding where Gail is a bridesmaid? Who is to say she doesn’t start something and cause a scene? Also, why would I want to spend thousands of dollars to travel to a wedding where I am uncomfortable? AND I’m leaving my baby?

While Wayne is as confused as I am, he still wants to go to the wedding. He has trauma-bonded with Bonnie through work and values her as a friend. While I understand this, I can not get over this.

Bonnie is trying to talk to Dan and convince him that we are good people and Gail twisted everything. Honestly, after being left in the dark for two years, I don’t want to have to convince anyone that we’re innocent in this. If anything, we should be getting an apology from all parties.

Wayne and I are currently still waiting to hear from Bonnie about her “talk” with Dan and Gail. As of right now, 5/21, Gail is still a bridesmaid and Dan still doesn’t want us at the wedding. Am I wrong for feeling this way? What would you do?

ETA: The term "trauma bond" is what my husband and Bonnie use all the time. That is how they described their relationship since working in the ER together. It is half said as a joke, half in truth.

Wayne also expressed that he did not want to go to the wedding if Gail was there. The main reason being that we don't want to risk there being a scene and potentially ruining Bonnie's wedding.

Bonnie has also mentioned that she is considering removing Gail from the wedding party. But she is afraid to do that because she doesn't want to "trigger" her or cause her to spiral or hurt herself.

Gail has also been going through some mental health crises over the past year which contributes to Bonnie being hesitate to ask her to bow out. I am not defending Bonnie or Gail but understand Bonnie's hesitation.

ETA2: I am not currently pregnant. I had my son in January, and he would be approximately nine months old by the time the wedding took place.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the responses:

fao writes:

It doesn’t sound like either one of these women are your friends. They’re not really friends of your husband either. Both of them are complicit in a lot of drama in your life even if you were unaware of it.

After all this, I’d have a hard time thinking Bonnie and Dan argued that hard against Gail’s attempts to romanticize your husband’s actions, or let him continue to be friends with her oblivious to the facts.

This could have easily destroyed your marriage. Gail’s level of obtuseness also sends baby-snatcher vibes. She might one day decide the baby is really hers not yours… or maybe I’ve read too much Reddit.

Cut your losses and go on a trip with your husband to destress. These are not friends because friends don’t do this petty garbage to each other. Every bit of this could have been fixed in 10 minutes with adult conversations and nobody between Dan, Gail, and Betty seem to have that ability.

gladreddi writes:

I’m sorry. For two years Bonnie and Dan knew Gail was off her rocker and said nothing. She was delusional and the fact she was lying about that should be enough for Dan to believe his soon to be wife.

The fact Bonnie remains friends with a woman who was obsessed with their married friend, so much she was talking about it all the time is wild. The fact she never mentioned it to her “best friend” is wild.

The fact she allowed this woman to bad mouth you means she’s not your friend, or Wayne’s because the bad mouthing involved him too. Obsessions like that can be very damaging. What if she kicked it up a notch and told you about this supposed affair? Bonnie is not either of your friends.

Your husband not seeing that Bonnie and Dan are also a problem is kind of ridiculous. No amount of bond would make me want to stay friends who kept this to themselves and allowed all that bad mouthing.

Gail was telling them your husband was having a love affair and that you were a monster, and they just pat her on the head kept it pushing? Nah. Bin them both. You are not wrong.

And now, OP's 1st update:

UPDATE: Wayne and I sent Bonnie a message stating that if Gail was at the wedding, we would not be attending. Bonnie said, “I totally understand and I would never want you to be uncomfortable ever. I'm so sorry this is happening and I hate that I had to tell you guys.

I wish I could have kept It to myself so no one else got hurt. Gail and I are up in the air right now. I don't have a single thought on our friendship. Dan is getting better slightly. He's not as angry. Or I should say his anger has shifted to Gail but he's still frustrated.”

Now we know that she would have never told us. I haven’t talked to Wayne yet to see how he feels about this.

Update 2:

Thank you all for the thoughtful, and blunt responses. I tend to be a very straightforward person, so it is nice to know that random unbiased third parties on the internet also think this situation is ridiculous and childish.

I am aware that this whole thing is very “high school”. I couldn’t agree more! I think that is what makes it all the more baffling. I know many of you wanted an update so here ya go:

Since I left off, Wayne and I spoke and thought it was only fair that we reach out to Gail. As many of you pointed out, we have only gotten Bonnie’s side of the story. Gail admitted to having a “crush” on Wayne, but denied everything else. As previously established, Gail is untrustworthy so I take her response with a large grain of salt.

Wayne and I screenshotted the texts and sent them to Bonnie. We made it very clear that we are not keeping anything secret and we assumed that Gail would immediately reach out to Bonnie to let her know we reached out.

Bonnie was upset that we talked to Gail and “didn’t know what we hoped to gain” from that. Bonnie went on to say that her “life is exploding” and us wanting more information is valid but it’s not helping her. (Duh.)

What made me laugh is that she said she “wished [she] would have had a say in how the interaction was navigated”. Like yeah, same girl. I wish we would have had the option to choose how to respond too…but I digress.

Bonnie decided to call Wayne. I was at work, so I couldn’t be privy to the conversation. By Wayne answering the call, I am aware that it opens him up to manipulation which I did point out to him after the fact. Long story [already way too] long...

Bonnie said that her and Dan are having “issues” separate from this whole ordeal so this situation is adding fuel to the fire. (I know, I know, no shit) Us reaching out to Gail, stirred up additional shit for Bonnie (Duh x2).

Wayne told Bonnie that he knows that she has a lot going on but that doesn’t negate what she did to us. Essentially telling her that this is a result of her own actions. Bonnie asked Wayne, “Do you want to step back from our friendship?” Wayne said no. (I can feel your disgust, just keep reading).

When Wayne is relaying this to me, I am trying to remain composed and let him finish. This is basically the Cliff notes of what I told him. Bonnie knowingly lied to us the entire time we have known her. If she could lie for this long, what else has she lied about?

She knew that Gail was unstable, yet thought it was okay for us to continue to be friends and invite her into our home.

Bonnie and Gail have no respect for me. This is clear because Gail badmouthed me the entire time and wanted to end our marriage.

And Bonnie thought it was okay to let Gail continue with these delusions unchecked and continue to be around us. Not to mention that as a medical professional, and a friend, she should have encouraged her to seek help.

Bonnie knew that Gail had lied to Dan, yet didn’t correct it or bring it to our attention. She was cool with Dan thinking I’m awful and believing a lie.

Bonnie continued to treat Gail as a friend, and made her a bridesmaid. Further solidifying her indifference to me and my marriage to Wayne.

Bonnie wanted to invite us to her wedding (against the Groom’s wishes) knowing full well that Gail would be there and this could pose potential problems.

Why should we go to their wedding? A wedding is celebrating the sanctity of marriage, which Bonnie and Dan clearly don’t give a shit about. Why should we drop money on going to their wedding, to celebrate their marriage, when they clearly don’t give a shit about ours?

How could you possibly still consider Bonnie a friend knowing all of this information?

I gave Wayne time to process all of this information. Honestly, I didn’t want a response right then and there because I want him to have confidence in his decision knowing all the possible ramifications.

Wayne ended up saying that he doesn’t consider Bonnie a friend, and hesitated before because he is so sad and disappointed in Bonnie. I think he had trusted her so much and since all of this goes against her perceived character, it is a lot to process for a logical person.

This whole thing is so immature and childish that you want to rationalize everything into something more complicated in hopes that all the dots will connect. Because this is so illogical, Wayne had a tough time seeing this clearly.

I told Wayne that we should tell Bonnie that things are not okay with us, but she needs to sort her shit out and decide where her priorities lie.

Wayne was hesitant at first to do this because he didn’t want to trigger Bonnie and make her feel worse. I pointed out that Bonnie used that same train of thought for Gail and look where she is.

While we are not telling Bonnie that we are cutting her off, we are simply pausing our argument so she can figure out her relationships. We are willing to talk to her at a later date about considering keeping her as a friend but keeping her at arms length until she can prove she is trustworthy.

However, this is all dependent on the decisions she makes about Dan and Gail. We are waiting a couple days before telling Bonnie that this is our plan because we wanted to make sure our emotions were in check to be as civil as possible.

I am sure you are wondering, what about Dan? In short, meh. If he is so fragile about guns and cares so little than to just ask about something so trivial? Whatever. In the best possible outcome, we would still have little to no contact with Dan.

As RuPaul says, “What other people say about me is none of my business.” (And not just because it doesn’t come to my attention until two years later…bazinga)

Wayne and I are in a good place. We talked about how he can’t please everyone and his family should come first. While we don’t want to be callous or dismissive of our friends, how events impact our family is the first priority. This is where things currently are. If you want another update, let me know.

Once again, thank you for your responses. It was incredibly validating for me. After processing, he was able to come to the conclusion that Bonnie is not a friend. I won't lie and say his initial response wasn't deeply hurtful.

I told him this but reiterated that he needed to sit with this information and decide how he wanted to move forward. As someone who has lost touch with "friends" that have the emotional maturity of a potato, it can be extremely sad when you accept their absence from your life.

I doubt many people will understand this reference lol But there is a scene in a Bob's Burgers episode where Linda forces Louise to have a slumber party. Hilarity ensues and Tina and Gene end up being "human shields" during a pillow fight. Tina: "Is this your first time being used as a human shield?"

Gene: "Yeah." Tina: "This is my third time, you're doing great." It terms of dealing with petty, dramatic people, this isn't my first rodeo. Unfortunately, Wayne sees life through rose-colored glasses and always sees the absolute best in people. Does this make him naïve at times? Sure.

Does this make him a wonderful friend and partner? Absolutely. Is it incredibly frustrating when he needs to overanalyze situations and then eventually come to the same conclusion that you, a cynic, came to hours earlier? Yup.


Sources: Reddit
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