Woman REFUSES to attend male friend's wedding; 'After the bachelor party surprise and rehearsal dinner fiasco, I'm CUTTING MY FAMILY OFF.' AITA? UPDATED 4X

When this woman is upset by a friend's upcoming wedding, she asks the internet:

"AITAH for refusing to go to my 'best guy friend's' wedding and telling my parents I am going to cut them off?"

I grew up with my family and another family whose parents were best friends with mine since high school. My parents had me (F28) and my two older brothers (M31 and M35), while their friends had four boys (M27, M29, M30, and M37).

Growing up was pretty nice, but the boys used to pick on me a lot and exclude me during their "girls are yucky" phase. I wouldn't say I see these boys as brothers, but maybe as cousins.

I was close to M27 and M29 when we were little. I will call them Adam and Jake. Until we were 15, we were really close and did a lot together.

I don't talk to Jake much anymore. No hard feelings, but he grew up to be a classic tech bro and can be pretty condescending. However, our families are obsessed with the idea of us ending up together.

The other guys are already married, and Adam is gay. They've always pushed for us to be together (making us go to the store alone at Christmas, telling us both an earlier time to meet at the restaurant for Dad's birthday, talking him up a lot, etc.).

Then both Jake and I met our SOs. I have been with my fiancé for 5 years, and Jake met his fiancée 3 years ago. Our families have been very disappointed and have not welcomed our SOs warmly. One Christmas, I took Jake's fiancée, Tracy, aside and explained the weird family lore to her.

With Jake (just like we did with my fiancé), we assured her that it was just a weird thing of our family and that Jake and I have not been close for ages and have never had more than a friendly relationship. Ironically, having to stand against our parents made us all a little closer.

But we come to the problem. Jake and Tracy are going to get married soon, and it has been chaos. Our parents have upped their antics by 2000%. Family dinners are full of "ahh we thought you two would get married."

They brought out a picture I apparently drew of me and Jake when we were little of us getting married (I suspect they made it. It did not look like it was made by an actual child). They were cornering Tracy about making me the matron of honor and letting me wear white (what??).

Also, his brothers and my brothers joined in, making jokes about us being star-crossed lovers and calling me "the missus." I distanced myself heavily from my family during that time and stopped going home after talking to them did nothing.

One day, one of my brothers invited me out. He said it was just my two brothers and me. So, I went to his apartment, and when I arrived, it was Jake's bachelor party. One of his brothers screamed out that the "stripper" was here ( ew).

I wanted to leave, but the next train left close to 12 a.m., and it was not the safest neighborhood. So, I stayed. They tried to make me drunk, were constantly physically pushing me and Jake together, and even locked us in my brother's bedroom.

I could hear loud laughing from the other side. Jake and I did not talk much. He apologized to me and asked me if I could not come to the wedding as I made Tracy uncomfortable. I completely understood and said at that point I was not planning to go anymore.

He offered to drive me home as he was also completely sober. When they opened the door, he said we were going home. In their heads, that meant we were going to be intimate or something because all the caveman sounds started.

The next day, my phone was blowing up. Someone uploaded a video of me and Jake leaving and captioned it "finally." It was very awkward. I am clearly uncomfortable, and so is Jake as we exit the apartment and enter his car. There were comments, calls, and texts.

Tracy called me crying and cursing me out. Jake called me apologizing and telling me he tried to explain. My mother and his mother sent me a bunch of texts saying how proud they are and that it was about time. My fiancé is understanding, but he wants me to make clearer boundaries with my family.

I drove past their house, and they were all there. They didn't even let me talk and were just love-bombing me. I started screaming and told them Jake and I have never and will never be together and I will not be leaving my loving fiancé.

That I would not be going to Jake's wedding, and if they kept up with this, I would cut every single one of them off because I am tired and just want to live my life and not their incest fairy tale.

By the end of my meltdown, my mother and his mother were crying, and my father just told me to get out. Since then, I have been getting messages from my brothers calling me a bitch for treating my family like that because they only wanted the best for me. So, AITAH?

Edit: no an, uber was not an option. Taxis and ubers are ungodly expensive here. Thus is take the freaking train. Also no we don't have a car. Tracy was away and my fiance had a night shift. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

bellarose7 writes:

NTA. Both families are insane and your brothers are gross for even participating in this disaster.

You and Jake have made it clear that you are not interested in each other romantically, and you are currently both engaged to other people. However, both sets of parents' and siblings' incessant behaviour are adding fuel to the fire and causing a divide, but are blaming you for their disregard and ignorance.

I'm baffled and stunned that these adults think that what they are doing is okay. They are being selfish and manipulative and need to look in the mirror and examine their immature and abhorrent behaviour instead of insulting and putting blame on you.

If you don't mind me asking, where do you live? I'm shocked that this is even happening. You should get both families and your brothers to read this thread. They should be ashamed of themselves and embarrassed for acting like emotionally immature teenagers.

afagh writes:

NTA but honestly why tf didn't both you and Jake call his fiancee (Tracy) and explained the situation? You both knew how bad your families is and what they are doing so wtf didn't you contact Tracy in the middle of the party and explained (and recorded videos) to prove it.

This might cause the wedding to fall out and while it's not 100% the fault of you and Jake, then you did nothing to prevent her from misunderstanding this (and everyone would misunderstand this shit show).

Also you don't give your family more warnings. Just cut them off right now. For years they have tried to force you to be with someone you don't. Why are they still part of your life?

They don't deserve to be in your life nor see your wedding. They shouldn't be part of your children's life either because... Do you want them to control your kid like they try to control you? Cut them off already and do not take them back.

csnart writes:

NTA. Your family’s behavior is disgusting. Particularly the bachelor party. That little stunt could have broken up not one but two partnerships. I would send an email to your entire family, outlining exactly how immature, disrespectful and unsupportive their behavior is.

I would particularly outline the bachelor party as a ridiculous and cruel stunt that could have broken up two happy couples. I would tell them if they were actually interested in your happiness and not their sick fantasy they would be happy for you that you had found your partner.

And then I would be clear that they were not going to be a part of your life- including coming to your wedding until they sincerely apologized and never said another word about this sick fantasy of theirs again.

And seriously- think hard about having them to your wedding. They have proven they are willing to be complete and utter aholes in service of this weird narrative they’ve built.

Update 1:

Omg yes! My brother lives in a small town. Sure, it's maybe 30 minutes by car to the next town, but it's still a village. And then it was 10 p.m. The night bus wouldn't have come until later than the train. I just checked again and an Uber would have cost me almost 80 euros because of the night fee. Yes, I've blocked my parents and their friends for now.

Update 2:

Update 1: Jake and Tracy broke up. Update 2: My fiancé was cheating with Tracy the whole time! Update 3: I think I might have feelings for Jake, but I can’t let our families win. Update 4: I’m pregnant and it’s Jake’s.

I'm kidding. Just thought this comment was particularly hilarious. First of all, thank you all for your insight, especially those of you who reached out in the comments and privately with similar stories.

I honestly thought my family was the only demented one, but apparently, it's a trend (also, a lot of German parents have done that... in that vein... Joa scheiße, ne?).

Now for the real update: My fiancé and I spoke and concluded that cutting out my family for now would be the best option. I sent a message to my parents and brothers explaining my decision to distance myself for the time being.

I emphasized that while I love them, I cannot continue to endure their pressure and manipulation. I told them their behavior had made me resent them and, to some extent, Jake.

They ruined any friendly relationship we could have had and made me feel gross and exploited. I told them they were setting me up to be sexually assaulted if it had been anyone else but Jake. I also told them that their controlling behavior was the reason I never told them about anything in my life.

I told them it hurts to be with them, and I am in a bad mood for days after meeting them. I never look forward to holidays with them and have caught myself wishing I would get into an accident or get sick before the holidays to have an excuse not to go.

They cut themselves out of my life, and they will not be there when I get married, have kids, or in any other life achievements.

After sending the message, I left the group, blocked them all, and felt really light. I cried with my fiancé for hours, and I didn't really know if it was tears of sadness, relief, or happiness. I was so conflicted. I just kind of fell asleep.

Jake has also cut his part of the family off. According to Tracy, he just went to their home, dumped a sack of their stuff on the table, told them to stay the f away from him, and left. His mother tried reaching out to me, and my father tried reaching out to Jake. Our fiancés had been targeted by them too.

My parents sent the police to my house claiming my fiancé had me there against my will. We talked to the police. They couldn't do much but assured me that they would leave a note in their database clarifying that I am not being abused.

I also asked how to go about a no-contact order, and they pointed me to resources. They also said they would tell my parents to leave me alone and noted that should they make false reports, they would have to cover the cost of the drive out to me.

As of Friday, we have different numbers! Tracy is coming over this afternoon, and I am taking her to my nail salon, and afterward, we are going to a game store because she really wants to play some escape games.

Jake and I are still not close, and he is also not close to my fiancé. But he is happy that we have carved out a healthy space and that Tracy is so comfortable with me now in such a short span of time. They are reevaluating their wedding plans, but I won't disclose more here.

Also, to the people that made fun of me for saying that I couldn't drive by anywhere without a car... I have a bike.

Anyway, that was it. It was only a week, and I don't see this going much further. My parents are going to keep contacting me probably, but it's going to be all right. We are all all right.