"AITA for refusing to attend my sister's wedding?"
Older sister (41f) is getting married to her partner of 3ish years in a month. Older sister and her partner both have children. My sister has a 14 year old boy and 10 year old girl. Her partner has a 14 year old girl, 13 year old boy and 11 year old girl. The relationship is controversial.
My nephew (14) has been having trouble with the 14 year old girl since the third grade and this actually escalated when they were doing virtual classrooms.
She would write a lot of insults about my nephew and used the voice feature to target my nephew. But still my sister and her partner started a romantic relationship and even moved in together. My nephew expressed a lot of unhappiness about this.
So did his grandparents (bio father's parents, he's not involved but they were always very generous in helping my sister with my nephew). My sister stopped all contact with the paternal grandparents as a result of them speaking up.
When my sister and her partner got engaged my nephew didn't take it well. There was a public scene where he told everyone present that she was marrying his bullies dad and didn't give a shit about him. My sister was furious. Nephew was devastated that his mom was marrying her partner even knowing how he'd feel.
My sister didn't want to hear from anyone, including me, that it was a bad idea and she risked losing her son.
She told me he didn't get to dictate her life and they'd deal with the bullying but he was being unreasonable about everything. I told her my nephew deserved space away from the girl and she told me he can't pick his family and siblings fight sometimes.
Two months ago my nephew ran away. He was gone for 2.5 weeks and we were searching everywhere. He'd wanted to go to his grandparents but worried they'd get into trouble. CPS intervened when he was found and my nephew was removed from my sister's home and was given a placement with his grandparents, which was his first choice.
I talked to him since and he said he was glad he was removed. He said he had been prepared to keep running away and he told the social worker that and more. We're in touch frequently and I get to visit him.
My sister could visit, but my nephew doesn't want to see her. But she's proceeding with everything like normal. We fought over her picking the relationship over nephew. She told me I'll never understand.
My invite came in the middle of all this and I RSVP'd no. I made it clear I would not attend this wedding after everything that's happened. My sister and parents told me I should put aside the family troubles and attend or risk the relationship forever. I told them I stand by my nephew over my sister. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought:
tonightdob writes:
NTA: Good on you for standing your ground. I’m not sure why she’d want you there either with how easily she cuts off people for disagreeing with her decisions.
Your sister will probably just live however she wants unfortunately, just continue to be a good support system for your nephew - the relationship between him and your sister will be a consequence of her own actions and it’s on her to own up to it.
ampero9 writes:
NTA. Your sister is a blithering idiot. She should most definitely be more concerned about her sons well being over her partner. If the bullying doesn’t stop, her marriage will suffer.
statelarge6b writes:
NTA Good for you standing up for your nephew. Your parents should have also stood up for him. Is your sister the golden child in the family?
Would love to be kept updated. I hope your nephew is doing well with his grandparents and getting the love and attention he needs. I'm glad someone is putting his emotional and mental well-being first. I really don't understand parents that place a relationship before the well-being of their children.
Parking_Ocelot_902 OP responded:
He's so much happier. Every time I see or speak to him he's already sounding like a different kid. He told me he feels like he finally has a home again and a family. Made me emotional to hear but I also understand.
We need a bit more context in regards to the bullies' father. Does he know what his daughter did and does he care?? If he is against what his daughter did, then this situation may be different. If he denies everything his lil princess does then yes it's a problem with the mother. In the latter scenario she would be selfish. If it is the first one then she is not as the father stands against bullying too.
It is weird but maybe this will all turn out for the best. Perhaps your nephew and the bully will start to get along as they will be brother and sister, and guess what??? She will get picked on in school and he would have to defend her, causing them to eventually become friends.
As far as the wedding goes, I do think your parents are right. Would taking an hour out of the day to watch a ceremony hurt, or lose your sister permanently? This is a major sign they should not get married until the situation with the son and the bully is 100% resolved!
Parking_Ocelot_902 OP responded:
I can't really say if my sister's partner cares. He sure seems to, at first glance, but that could be performative for anyone looking on. I know she was very much actively engaging in it even in the home and it was getting worse. So I can't imagine he's doing anything effective to cut it out.
My nephew will never go to that wedding. He does not support his mom in this, he feels let down, he feels like he matters the least, and in reality that is how it looks. She moved in a child who has bullied her for years and has told us he needs to suck it up basically.
My nephew would also never defend the girl who bullied him. She wouldn't defend him and he wouldn't defend her either. He hates that girl. He's going to stay with his grandparents if he can and if he were to be forced to interact with the other girl again, I can see him running away again.
NTA for sure!!! You did so well by standing by your nephew. INFO: how is your sister’s 10y/o doing without her brother? Do you think she’ll be safe and treated well? Is she likely to be the new victim of the bully?
Parking_Ocelot_902 OP responded:
She's happy. The partner's oldest had no issue with my niece. Just my nephew and that goes back before my sister and her partner were dating. My niece and nephew were never that close to begin with so they're not missing each other... yet anyway. Who knows what could change.
Then I think you handled everything so well. Shoutout to you for being a family member most people would die for 🫶🏻
What has been done about the bullying? Was it even addressed? Was the girl reprimanded? Did she apologize and mean it?
I know there was a forced apology in the school before. Outside of that I don't know. She kept bullying him right up until he ran away so that tells you she didn't mean it and wouldn't willingly apologize.