Woman refuses to attend stepsister's baby shower, 'she doesn't understand why I hate her.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my stepsister I won't attend her baby shower and I won't change my mind just because she keeps asking or sending invites?"
I (26f) have a stepsister (18f) I have not seen in many, many years. She was so young when I last saw her. My relationship with my mom (her stepmom) was never a good one. She was never a good parent to me and when she decided to get married and settle down while also not attempting to be a good mom to me, I made the decision to fight hard to get my dad to win custody of me, which he did when I was 13.
My mom was supposed to go to therapy and classes before the courts attempted to try reunification therapy for us. But she never took those steps so we never did the therapy together (and won't, I have zero desire to be part of her life). I had a relationship with her parents and siblings, though not a close one. I was included by them though and would see my mom from a distance for a few years at occasional family gatherings.
My stepsister would be there also and over time she became far closer to my maternal side than I was. My reason for not being very close to my maternal side is they would encourage me to give mom a chance and they would try and talk me into taking on the role of big sister for her stepdaughter because they knew my mom had zero desire to have any children at all and would not be having more.
And apparently her stepdaughter struggled with not having siblings, so they wanted me to fill that gap for her. I wasn't interested then and I'm not today. I don't hate the girl but simply put we are not family and I really had little to do with anyone from my mom's side in a good 4 years (since Covid).
I received a digital invite to the baby shower 3 weeks ago and I RSVP'd no. This was followed by another one, and followed by a message from my stepsister saying she wanted her baby's aunt to be there, and it followed another message begging me to change my mind and then another invitation that she personalized to ask me to be there and she told me not to bring a gift, just me, because I would be the real gift.
I told her I was not interested again and then I blocked her. But she followed me to another platform and then she begged and pleaded with me to change my mind. She said it wasn't too late for us to be sisters and for me to be her baby's aunt. I told her I won't attend her baby shower and I won't change my mind just because she keeps asking or sending invites.
She told me she doesn't understand why I hate her and this interaction prompted contact from my maternal grandparents and they told me I shouldn't have been so cruel and if I really had to let her down, I should have made it way softer. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Danube_Kitty said:
NTA. You are basicaly strangers. I get she wants a sister. But you are within your rights to not want to be one to a stranger.
jrm1102 said:
NTA - If you do not want to have a relationship with her or attend that is your choice. I can't fault her for trying but she needed to accept your answer a few attempts ago.
Final_Figure_7150 said:
NTA. The way I see it, you don't want to have a relationship with your step sister, as then you'd have your bio mum in your life in some form, by proxy. It's sad for your step sister as she's an innocent third party caught up in this, but unfortunately, it is what it is.
I'd message her to make it clear you're not punishing her, nor do you hate her, but you do not wish to have your mother in your life at all, and she'd have a channel of comms to you via your relationship. She will be at the baby shower, won't she? And ... Even if she won't be there ... I'm jaded enough about our world to bet money on her using your step sister as a go between.
FitOrFat-1999 said:
NTA. There is no way to really "soften" your message, either. Just saying you're not interested and won't attend is the kindest thing to say. Because she doesn't just want you to attend, she wants a relationship. But you dont. Spelling it out - you don't hate her, you're indifferent to her - would be even more devastating. Maybe you should tell the grandparents that.
six_242 said:
NTA. That grown woman is not biologically related to you AND you didn't even have a relationship with her prior. Her gentle let down was the first RSVP. She also need to start therapy before she has this kid because a fully functional adult should have a breakdown because someone doesn't like them.
The_Clumsy_Gardener said:
NTA. People are mistaking your indifference for hate are ridiculous. There is no gentle way of letting her down, you RSVP'd no like three times. Her own expectations of you, a literal stranger these days, is over the top and that's what's causing her hurt. That's not a you problem.