Woman refuses; 'I'm done cooking for my husband from scratch.' AITA?

"AITA for not cooking from scratch for my husband anymore?"

ive (24F) been married to my husband (M24) for around 5 years at this point. when we first moved in with each other, we split finances but it was always my responsibility to make sure dinner was on the table. cooking and baking were my passions so i was very happy to take this on as my responsibility.

as of 4-ish years ago, finances have been entirely his responsibility. he works 2 jobs from home for about 8 hours a day total for 5 days a week. 40 hours total. we are not struggling financially.i have felt like over the years he has been less and less appreciative of my cooking.

previously, i would make a home-cooked meal with fresh ingredients every single night, save for the 2 or 3 nights a month where we go out to a restaurant. i take care of all of the grocery shopping as well.

in regards to other household chores, they are sort of split. he is responsible for emptying the dishwasher and putting dishes away, but everything else is mostly my responsibility

back on topic, ive noticed he is very wasteful of food, especially regarding leftovers. i expressed to him that it made me feel upset that he would refuse to touch any food that wasnt cooked by me that night and served to him.

he told me that he had squicks regarding leftover food due to his upbringing in a hoarder house where spoiled food was often kept in the fridge. i told him that i understood and i also asked if me freezing any leftover food after i had served dinner would help regarding feeling afraid that food had spoiled.

he told me yes and i happily stored any leftover food in the freezer instead of the fridge from then on.

one month after we made that compromise, he has still failed to reheat and eat one single meal ive frozen for him. he will refuse to eat dinner entirely unless i prepare his dinner for him and serve it to him.

he keeps falling back on the excuse that it is due to his food safety fears but he has also told me its because he feels like he should never have to prepare his own dinner because he is the one who works.

i feel like if he is someone who gets to work from home, and choose to have a day off anytime he likes, while also getting weekends off, i should also have nights where i am free from some of my obligations.

i got fed up with this and explained to him that i would no longer be cooking fresh meals for him from now on. i said i would still take care of groceries but i would likely only cook something with fresh ingredients once a week or so and the rest would be pre-prepared, considering i feel like my effort is not appreciated.

he got really angry and insisted that i continue cooking fresh meals for him but i said that if he wasnt going to respect my time and effort, he wasnt going to get my time and effort presented to him. im really sick of trying again and again to compromise, while not getting any of my asks respected. AITA?

flout writes:

ESH. You made a choice to be a housewife, which means you do the house chores and the cooking. to anyone thinks that's easier than working, well, it's not unless you slack at your job.

I think that a good compromise (and that's something your husband should have initiated) is deciding what is considered a freshly made meal. I mean does a Taco night counts as a fresh meal since it contains fresh meat and freshly cut vegetables? What about spaghetti and meat balls?

I'm just saying that a lot of fresh meals doesn't take too much time to prep and execute. I'm in charge of all the cooking in my house (although I have a fulltime job too), and I manage to do this simply by choosing easier meals when I'm tired or working late, while choosing med-hard recipes for when I have the time and energy.

agorate writes:

YTA You don't work and you split chores other than cooking. He earns all the money and helps out in the house and you do what for the hours you're not vacuuming etc round the house whilst he is working, at work, all day? And you're willingly throwing food out cos he's got some weird thing about leftovers...

I think honestly the dudes got every right to want home cooked food tbh. Make less food. Make it clear you want some nights off from cooking but don't diminish his trauma around his childhood and food.

Half and half chores, no work and a bit of cooking is a very relaxed, lucky position to be in.

greeet writes:

Declaring that you will go from cooking dinner 7 days a week to only cooking once per week and pre-preparing media was bound to get him angry. You are trying to provoke a reaction.

So you should expect one. Especially given part of your financial agreement is that you will cover much of the housework in return for not having to work. That doesn't mean you should be doing 40 hours of housework per week, and it doesn't obligate you to only do your cooking between 5pm and 7pm.

Your husband has been pretty clear on his unwillingness to heat up and eat leftovers, so leftovers aren't an option. That doesn't mean pre-preparing food is out of the question. Make it easier if you need it to be easier.

I would suggest you change up your cooking so that you're able to reuse previous dinner leftovers in the next meal. For example, if you cook roast lamb, then the next meal might be a lamb masala (add the precooked lamb in ten minutes beforehand). Serve with rice, but cook enough rice for (with any extra lamb) fried rice...

You can even pre-cook the masala the same day as the lamb. Cook lots of masala at once, defrost, heat, freshen up the herbs and spices.

There are other options. Renegotiate your agreements. Ask to share the responsibility for cooking for a while.

Tell him you need a holiday from cooking for a bit. Start from what YOU need and make it about you and not about him. Eg "I used to love cooking, but right now cooking hurts.

freahg writes:

YTA. Look you have no job and the main thing your husband wants in exchange is a freshly prepared meal each night. Now I wouldn't really want to have that deal, but it seems it's the one you made.

Now here is were you keep your sanity. Seeing as he doesn't cook or do the grocery shopping you could technically prep to your hearts delight and EVEN freeze it. You never have to tell him you are using frozen leftovers or prep as long as you prepare it.

Oven does work better than microwaving and you could just toss a salad. Does he actually expect to see you dicing and slicing to prove you made the meal fresh? Would he even notice? Granted he should get therapy for this fear but there are ways to make it easier and you don't have to share the details.

plloyer writes:

NTA. He needs to learn how to make himself a couple basic meals. It’s a life skill. Maybe it’ll help him feel a sense of control over the freshness too?

But mostly he needs counseling to address the childhood trauma of parental hoarding and spoiled food. That is going to mess with his head until he works through it. You’re paying the price already.

crowndash writes:

NTA. And am I the only one here appalled by all the comments making it seem like the problem is her cooking big meals? Sure she can half the ingredients but her husband's attitude is awful.

He is not appreciative of her and her efforts. Yes he brings in the money, but she brings the conditions in which be can thrive to make and enjoy the money (clean house, food, etc). She is an equal contributor to the household. She is not a maid, and even if she was, his behaviour would still be a problem.