Woman refuses to cook Thanksgiving after fifteen years, 'the turkey cooks itself.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

"AITA for refusing to cook Thanksgiving lunch after 15 years?"

For the past 15 years, I (38F) have been the one cooking Thanksgiving lunch, or at least the turkey and most of the food. It’s been a tradition, but this year, I’m completely burnt out. I’m a teacher with four kids (ages 2-15), and this year has been especially stressful with work, parenting, and school. I just don’t have the energy to take on such a big responsibility again.

I suggested that my sister-in-law (SIL1), who just moved into a new house should maybe host this year, and could make the turkey. She’s a stay-at-home mom with one child (11 months old), so I thought it wouldn’t be too much to ask. My mother-in-law immediately shut that idea down, saying SIL1 is “unreliable” and might not wake up early enough to make it. (How is that my problem?)

I then suggested my brother-in-law’s wife could also take on the responsibility. They got married this summer but have been together for over five years. She’s never cooked a turkey before, but my mother-in-law said, “the turkey cooks itself,” so I don’t see why she can’t give it a try. Everyone else shows up to eat every year without lifting a finger, but when I suggest not cooking this year, it’s suddenly a crisis.

When I told my husband I wasn’t cooking, he said I’m just resentful because his parents helped SIL1 buy her house. That’s not true—I even suggested SIL2 could make the turkey.

Then he brought up that I’m mad because every time we have a date night, his parents tell my older daughter (who babysits her siblings) that we’re neglecting our responsibilities as parents. I pointed out how unfair that is, but he just said, “We’re the most stable, so that’s why we’re always asked to take on more.”

My husband thinks my decision not to cook has less to do with stress and more to do with his family. He said I only decided not to cook after my mom said she wouldn’t be coming over. My mom has been battling breast cancer for the past 10 months and just wants to stay home this year and avoid being around so many people.

Last year, my parents spent Thanksgiving with my sister, who couldn’t travel, but I still cooked for his family. In the past, I hosted Thanksgiving at our house because my family and siblings were coming over, but I’ve still made the turkey for his family for the last 15 years—even the years we hosted for only his side. So the idea that I’m refusing because it’s his family isn’t true.

My husband also said I have “five days to rest” before Thanksgiving and doesn’t understand why I can’t just cook the turkey. I explained I don’t want the responsibility of waking up early, making the turkey, and dealing with everyone asking me, “Is it almost done?”

For once, I just want to show up, sit down, and eat, like everyone else does. He threw in that I’ve been hosting Thanksgiving for the last seven years, which I pointed out is exactly why I’m tired.

When I told him I didn’t want to do it, he accused me of neglecting my “motherly duties,” which really hurt. Why should I always be expected to take on the stress of cooking when others don’t have to because they “can’t” or “don’t want to?" Well, I don’t want to this year either. AITA for refusing to cook this year?

UPDATE:

I was overwhelmed with the response as this is my first time posting. After a lot of back and forth with my husband, here’s where things stand:

I told him that for lunch, the kids and I would be going over to my mom’s house. She’s recovering from breast cancer and just wants a quiet day, so I want to spend time with her. I told my husband he was welcome to join us or not—his choice.

He asked if I could meet him halfway by popping the turkey in the oven before leaving for my mom’s so his family could eat at 3. I said no, but I’d be willing to cook the turkey if dinner was pushed to 6, giving me more time to prepare on my terms. He said that was too late.

He then suggested his mom could cook the sides, and I’d just handle the turkey. Again, I said I’d only do it if dinner was moved to 6. When he refused, I stood firm and said no. I want to bring something easy this year, like sodas and desserts—just like everyone else gets to do. I’m tired of being the one responsible for the main dish when others can step up.

For context, we live next door to his parents and his sister, so the constant expectations from his family are exhausting. My husband and I share the household responsibilities equally—he does all the daily cleaning, even when we aren’t hosting, and we both handle the kids’ baths, school drop-offs, and pickups. I’m not complaining about him at all. The issue is with his family.

His family keeps insisting the others can’t cook or host because they’re “incompetent.” But the real problem is that my in-laws coddle them and never let them take responsibility for anything. That’s not my problem to solve.

I just want a break from being the one carrying the load every year. I’m sticking to my boundaries. If they think no one else is capable of cooking, then they can deal with the consequences—not me. Also I had said since last month that I didn’t want to host or cook so this is not new information to his family.

SECOND UPDATE:

Someone asked how it became the “tradition” of me making the turkey. My mil rarely made a turkey they usually went to my husband’s paternal grandparents house. Him and the cousins are all the same age so once everyone got married his aunts and cousins started doing their own thing.

I got handed the job of turkey because my mil said her oven was too small to fit the turkey. She has one of those built in wall ovens from the 80s. The first year before we were living next to them she came over and brought it prepped and put it in the oven herself and would come by to check it.

Every year after that I was tasked to do it by myself. So for the first 7 years of me making it we would have carry it in the car over to their house. Also, in years past we would have a 2nd turkey made fried or smoked by my fil. No one liked it or would eat it so it would go to the dog. I was still making the main turkey that was just a 2nd one.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Wrong_Moose_9763 said:

Motherly duties, yeah f that. Your husband needs to shut his pie hole. In fact, tell hubby he either backs you or HE. CAN. DO. IT. ALL, cooking, cleaning, including before the meal and after. And don't take no for an answer. NTA.

No_Cockroach4248 said:

May I politely suggest you have a husband problem. He does not have your back and is gaslighting you. Your MIL does not respect you and appears to value her daughter and other DIL more. Your husband will listen to what mommy says and acts accordingly. NTA for refusing to cook, go visit your mom for Thanksgiving.

PodFan06082 said:

I'm sorry. You are NTA. I think it's time for your husband to step up for his "fatherly duties" and take over all the Thanksgiving stuff.

Tablessssssss said:

NTA - I would go to your mom's house Wednesday night and tell husband to have fun cooking tomorrow on your way out the door.

Prudent_Valuable603 said:

NTA. Go be with your mother. Announce in a family text that you will not be hosting Thanksgiving at your home because you will be spending time with your mother who has breast cancer. That’s all you need to say. They are all grown-ups. They are all adults. They can all deal with this themselves.

Take a rest. Let them figure it out. And if I were you, I would just stop hosting altogether. As for your husband, if he argues back with you, look him dead in the face and tell him again your mother has breast cancer and you’re going to spend time with your mother.

And stare back at him and don’t say anything else and if he doesn’t get it, say it over and over again. He is a callous, uncaring jerk of a man if he doesn’t understand that. He can cook the turkey himself.

LadyPDonut said:

You're NTA. Your husband is putting his mom's wants before your needs. It doesn't sound like he will change his opinion, but try to stick to your guns and stop being a doormat to appease people who clearly don't care all that much about your wellbeing. Is there any chance of spending Thanksgiving with your mom?

vicariousgluten said:

NTA. If your husband wants Thanksgiving at your house, he’s welcome to cook as it’s so simple.